By: Malik Kolade
Before you start jotting things down, understand that when I am talking about Yahoo Yahoo in Nigeria, I am not talking about the riff-raffs who depend on $25 iTunes or Amazon gift cards from one John Doe in Casablanca or those who use $1 million to buy a Morris Minor – one car like that from the future. I am also not talking about the ones who end up in the garden of SARS and bribe their way out with N10,000. Never, not those small fishes wriggling in the ocean. Those ones are mediocre, and because we don’t celebrate mediocrity in Nigeria, we can never be proud of them.
When I am talking about Yahoo Yahoo in Nigeria, I am talking about the Sharks of the Ocean. The ones that dupe their clients in broad daylight and still get away with it. The ones whose legitimate act of fraud, swindle, and money wire is constitutionally backed up. The ones we are always proud of, the all times golden sons of the soil. The ones who don’t cash out through Money Gram or Western Union, rather the ones that na FBI dey escort their cash out inside bullion van.
But if you still do not understand those I am referring to, then two things might have happened, one is maybe I haven’t called them names like Shinzu Money, Spending The Picker, Jacuzzi The Loader or other names you’re familiar with. The second is maybe I am a fool, because only a fool writes in a simple language another man will not comprehend. But if you grab my description, then below is the almighty formula for The Legal Way To Do Yahoo Yahoo In Nigeria and get away with it.
Firstly, because it is unlike the illegal Yahoo where you can just wake up one day and use your phone or laptop to bomb sites to get clients, you have to start from the basic. I mean from the days of Greatest Nigerian Students; Great! Greatest Gbagba; Gbagba! Greatest Gbogbo; Gbogbo! Greatest Shiwon; Shiwon! You have to start from those days because you need that background knowledge. Forget studying it in the University, field experience matters, and the only way to get that is through Aluta Continua, Victoria Ascerta. But if you use silver spoon to eat in your house, you don’t need this stage, it is a stressful one and I am certain Chief Adigun Olowolayemo would have used money to buy that stressful process for you.
The second stage is the internship. This stage is extremely important and tricky. Here you have to play your cards well because you are no longer dealing with the Professors and Emeritus whom you will be paying their salaries later on. You are now dealing with the big fishes and you have to be careful not to get swallowed. If that happens, it means the tiger squad don burst you be that, and your career may end with it. In this stage, you look for potential organizations where you will be able to practice what you have learnt in your Aluta days. And it’s not just any organization, but I will recommend those that can sweep Nigeria clean or those under whose shade you can hide when it rains.
This stage is also where your field experience will be useful because it will make your CV stand out. And when your internship is finally approved, your work begins. Engage in their struggle with and for them, be at the center stage (if possible) or better still, be the liaison officer between them and those Baby-Comrades who are still in the Aluta Struggles. With that, you have a strong foothold, and if eventually the struggle pays, you can remind them of how you fight e-wars for them and thus make demands in return. It may be a portfolio where all you do is being Special Assistant to His Excellency on Marital Affairs. Again, if you drink from oil wells, this stage is not for you, it is profile diminishing, one not befitting your status. Besides, Alhaji Danladi Abubakr would have used power to buy that stage for you.
The third stage is when you start to cash out. This stage is when your father’s oil well or the money you have parted with serving as Commissioner for Petroleum Resources will play its part. Need I remind you that the cash out is not immediate and that you have to give the little cash out you have gotten to get more. You have to woo your clients with passion, make fake promises to them, and if possible, make the Yahoo a plus. I know you cannot have bloods on your hands but in your name, so with just 10 packets of Colorado and 5 bottles of Dry Gin, the responsible men will drool at your feet begging to do the job for you.
When all those are done, the next thing to do is grease the palm of the you-know-whos. Well, for you that your father built your house with oil blocks, you don’t have to bother so much about this, but if otherwise, you have to grease the palm with everything you have. Believe me, it’s worth it. After all, your goal is to be like Shinzu Money in White House or Chief Nzeougu Nwafor in one penthouse in Ikorodu reading about DasukiGate while gesturing to where the bullion van will park in his garage. For this stage, the final thing to do is be a Polytheist. And except you don’t live in Nigeria or you want me to spoon-feed you with every tip, then I resist the urge to shalaye why you must do Polytheism.
For the final stage, I want you to understand that everything you do matters, especially to your clients, even if it includes giving them a token to buy their trust. Your clients are the formidable forces who will put you where you will wire the money, so be in their good books. You must also understand that your clients will not feed only on promises, so you have to distribute Bursary, Award Scholarships, create Empowerment Programs and do giveaways occasionally. Even if you have to break the bank, just do it. And if you have carefully followed these steps without skipping any, then sit back and relax, you have the next four years to cash out, accumulate your losses and more, or when after you die, we give the process Machala Loots while we recover your hard earned money in foreign currencies.
Now that I have given you the blueprint, I would have said that the ball is now in your court. But truthfully, except you want to do a Yahoo Yahoo where you don’t want to wire your cash out in bullion vans, the ball is not anywhere near your court because there is level to doing this kind of Yahoo Yahoo in Nigeria.
Malik Kolade (Broken Mirror) is a Lover, Reader, and Product Designer. He is about 6 inches tall, knows book, loves to eat Beans and Dodo, and a fan of good music. Malik writes to give the voices in his head a medium to be heard. He is the author of many unpublished books, but one day, he wishes to publish a book that will journey his thoughts to the mind of millions. When he writes, he loves his works to carry the byline “Broken Mirror”, because the pen name, unlike how people think of it, signifies hope. There is so much about him that a bit may not cover. By the way, he wants people to think he is lost, when he is just finding himself in this BIG world. He currently writes under the pseudonym “Olanrewaju Akin” and tweets @malik_kolade.