by: Som Adedayor
ABOKI. Original meaning unknown. Every Hausa man is an aboki.
ABROAD. Wonderland. All dreams come through there.
ACCIDENT. Only collision involving vehicles.
ACTRESS. All are sex workers. Always in messy marriages. Can never settle down with a man.
AFRICANS. We are all wicked.
ALCHOLISM. Always a spiritual attack. Never an addiction.
ANTICHRIST. Obama, Lil Nas X, Michael Jackson, etc.
ARTS. Where students who can’t cope in Science class go. The least dull among them study Law.
ASHEWO. Any lady who turned down your advances.
ATHEISTS. People who stop believing in God after terrible things happened to them. All hate God.
BALDNESS. Caused by too much wisdom. Sign of intelligence.
BEARD. Manliness. Men without it are boys.
BEAUTY. Associated with mamiwata. All pretty ladies are mamiwata. Or at least angels.
BEER. The only cause of pot belly.
BESTIES. Sex mates.
BITTER. All things bitter are medicinal.
BITTER LEAF. Heals all diseases.
BOOKS. “Nobody reads anymore.”
BRAZILIANS. Do no other things than football and Samba. Good footballers. Good dancers, too.
BUHARI. See JOBS.
CALABAR, PEOPLE OF. Human eaters. Bloody cannibals.
CARBON COPY. A child who resembles their parent.
CATHOLICS. Idol worshippers.
CEO. Everyone selling something in a WhatsApp DM is a CEO.
CHEWING GUM. Eaten only by sex workers. Induces insomnia.
CHURCH. A for-profit organization.
CHILDREN. Leaders of tomorrow. Under no circumstances should there be any workable plan for them.
CHRISTIANITY. One true religion. Disregard other thousands of religions without knowing about them. Declare, yet, that it is not a religion but a way of life, a relationship with God.
CLIENTS. Victims of yahoo guys.
CLOSE UP. All toothpastes are Close Ups.
CONNECTION. God’s Grace. When you get admitted into a reputable university based on the network of influential people you know, say it’s God’s grace.
CONSTITUTION. Some pamphlets only of interest to lawyers and Law students.
CORN. To be bought and eaten on the streets by political aspirants a few months before election.
DATE. Going to eat and drink at a restaurant.
DEMOCRACY. A topic in Government or Civic Education.
DICTIONARY. Anyone who speaks big words is a walking dictionary.
DISCIPLES. Only the twelve disciples. Peter, John, and co.
DISCOMBOBULATION. An empty word. Used to get uneducated grassroots citizens interested in your run for a political office
DISORDER, MENTAL. Non-existent.
DRESS. Address people the way they are dressed.
DUBAI. A city where rich people go for shopping or vacation. No houses there except supermarkets, resorts, and hotels. No citizens except attendants.
EARWAX. Cures boils.
EDUCATION. All that matters is the certificate not the knowledge.
EXPERIENCE. “Experience is the best teacher.”
FACEBOOK. Outdated. Sign of underexposure.
FAINT. Faint whenever you’re called to account for money entrusted to you.
FELA. Either you never ever talk about his misogyny or you publicly celebrate it.
FELLOW. Always learned.
FEMINISM. Alien to African culture and so can never work here.
FEMINISTS. Ladies who hate men.
FRENCH. Announce how romantic a language it is.
FULANI. They love their cows more than their children.
FUJI. To be looked down on. Lots of the downtrodden masses. Educated people don’t listen to it. Going extinct.
GHANA MUST GO. A cheap traveling sack.
GRAMMAR. Big words.
GALA. Any sausage roll packaged in nylon wrappings.
GAY. People trying to emulate white folks. Besides sex they do nothing.
GEN Z. Rebels.
GLASSES. Worn only by intelligent people. Sign of intelligence.
GODFATHERS. Only politicians who act as political fathers to other politicians.
GOODLUCK. As a president, decide who your citizens, who are consenting adults, should love, the gender they must get married to.
GOYA OIL. Anointing oil. Heals every disease.
GUNMEN. Always “unknown.” Sometimes said as: “Ungun known men.”
GROUNDNUT. Causes pimples.
HATER. Anyone not in support of the bad things you do.
HANDWRITING. Intelligent people all have bad handwriting. For professionalism, a doctor’s handwriting must be bad.
HORN. Used to summon gala and soft drinks hawkers in traffic, greet an acquaintance who has just driven or walked past.
HOMOSEXUALITY. Greatest of all immoralities. Worse than adultery. Angers God the most. As a Christian, say it is a choice. See FEMINISM.
HOSPITAL. To be visited only in critical conditions and when the assorted drugs from the chemist’s shop down the road are no longer effective. Never to be visited for a check-up.
HULLABALOO. See DISCOMBOBULATION.
HUSBAND. Usually prefixed with “good.” Any man that can last five hours in bed and can afford a bride price worth of a million dollars.
IGBO. Love money more than anything.
ILLUMINATI. Every celebrity belongs to it.
INA. Parent to every Igbo youth. All are “omo Inas.”
iPHONE. Look down on those who don’t use it.
INDIANS. Worship cows. Once beat the Super Eagles 99-0 at a World Cup match.
JERUSALEM. Holy and pure city. No one lives there beside pilgrims.
JOBS. To be created only when the youths behave well. “Behave well if you want jobs.”
JOLLOF RICE. Argue that Nigerian jollof is better than Ghanaian. Never mind you haven’t tasted Ghanaian jollof before.
KALEIDOSCOPE. Meaning unknown.
LADIES. “Ladies first.”
LAGOS. Look down on anyone who doesn’t live there.
LAW. Again, only of interest to lawyers and Law students. The only course Arts students should study.
LAW, THE. Lawyers should be called “The Law.”
LEFT-HANDED. Smarter than right-handers.
LEFT-FOOTED. Better footballers than right-footers.
LIBRARY. Every well-read person is a walking library.
MALTINA. Good blood tonic when mixed with milk.
MECCA. See JERUSALEM.
MEN. All men should be emotionless.
MODEL. Must be slim.
MONEY. “What money cannot do more money will do.”
MONKEY. Eats money.
MACLEANS. See CLOSE UP.
MILK. See MALTINA.
MISOGYNY. Non-existent. Mention passionately how nobody hates women.
MUSE. Wives or girlfriends of artists, poets, singers, etc.
MUSLIMS. Terrorists. For one, Boko Haram. As a Muslim, declare that you understand the Bible than Christians. See ISLAM.
NIGBATI-NIGBATI. Yoruba people.
NIGERIA. A joke.
NOBEL. Prize for writers. Only Soyinka has won it so far.
NORTHERNERS. Hausas and Fulanis. Maybe Nupes, too. All Muslims.
NOVELS. Not to be read except for exams. Summaries are better. Better still, watch their film adaptations.
OLD. Synonym for WISE. Every old person is wise.
PAINTERS. Only paint walls and buildings.
POLITICIANS. Curse them behind their backs, dignify them in their presence, secretly aspire to be them.
PARIS. City of romance and love.
PERFUME. To be sprayed on your dress.
PONMO. Sign of poverty. Contains no nutrient.
POETRY. Absolutely incomprehensible.
POTBELLY. Sign of good living. See BEER.
PRIDE. “Pride comes before destruction.”
PROVERB. Said to back up whatever wrong you’ve committed.
PSYCHOSIS. Always a spiritual attack. Never a mental disorder.
QUR’AN. Available only in Arabic.
RAINCHECK. Check the weather for rain whenever someone says “rain check.”
RAPE. Caused by indecent dressing. If it happened at the rapists’ place, emphasize that the victims shouldn’t have visited their rapists.
RESPECT. “With all due respect.” Said before disrespecting someone. Better if they’re elderly.
ROMEO AND JULIET. Greatest lovers of all time. Do not know who they are, but cite them in song lyrics.
SAINT. Anyone who died old with relatives to throw a party in their honour.
SARS. Special Anti-Robbery Squad. Prevents robbery by extorting, raping, blackmailing, kidnapping, and framing up innocents youths.
SCHIZOPHRENIA. See PSYCHOSIS.
SCHOOLS. To be closed down during a lockdown. Campaign grounds, market places, and religious gatherings are to be opened.
SCUM. Men are scum.
SINNER. Anyone who doesn’t practice your religion the way you do or doesn’t practice it at all.
SKIN. To be bleached if dark.
SNAKE. See MONKEY.
SHAKESPEARE. Opine that he’s the Greatest writer of all time. Never should you have read any of his books.
SOCIAL MEDIA. Only Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
SOUTHERNERS. All are Igbos save the Yorubas in the South-West.
SOYINKA. Invented his own type of English. Opine that his books are unreadable. Under no circumstances should you have read any.
SPERM. Heals pimples.
TALENT. A creative ability Satan has put in you so that you won’t have time to serve God.
TWITTER. People not on Twitter are backward.
URGENT. Every 2k you ask for must be urgent.
USA. The new Sodom and Gomorrah.
VIRGIN. You’d fuck them in heaven if you killed on behalf of the omnipotent God.
WRITERS. Only Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka, and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.