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Tag: army

How to get away with (extrajudicial) murder in Nigeria: A beginner’s guide

How fortunate one must feel to be a Nigerian, to come from a country where absolute freedom is not a myth and impunity reigns supreme. When a great man (we are not sure which one) famously proclaimed that “your liberty to swing your fist ends just where my nose begins,” he certainly had not heard about the wonderful country called Nigeria. He, especially, betrayed his ignorance of that special creature known as the Nigerian Policeman or the Nigerian Soldier for whom the liberty to swing their fists ends wherever the fists end. Full stop.

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Becoming a Nigerian politician: The ‘Wadume’ Model

Brandish your new identity as a politician. It explains the source of your wealth. It qualifies you for chieftaincy titles and juicy political appointments. Should those untrustworthy policemen betray you and kidnap you, your boyz and big boyz will alert your friends in the army who will annihilate the Police Kidnap Squad.

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Why obey a court order when…

Why obey a court order when there’s Twitter? Even if lots of innocent, precious lives are lost during a protest over the continued detention of someone despite court orders, all you need is a thread that starts with you “most deeply commiserating with the families” of the victims, continues with a threat to the protesters, and ends with a prayer to God—you know, because Nigerians don’t just love prayers, they also love (authoritarian) leaders who pray.