By: Godswill Gwanzwang Elisha
Are you a Nigerian? Are you young, agile and a number in the teeming population of Nigeria’s unemployed youth? Do you aspire to hold a political post in the country that prides itself as the giant of Africa? Do you seek refuge from the kidnapping propensity of the Nigerian Police Force’ Kidnap Squad? Do you want your Army Captain friend to kill your abductors? Thank Providence for placing you in the right country and making you read this at the right time. Herein are four easy steps to achieve your political goals.
MODULE I: SELL FISH!
To be a Nigerian politician, local man must learn to start small. Somebody shout Hallelujah! The other day I heard a pastor preach to his congregation on the imperative of starting small and how it is abominable to despise humble beginnings. He cited a Bible verse to drive home his point.
Do you still remember Wadume? That renowned Nigerian politician on whose account some gallant Nigerian soldiers decimated the Nigerian Police Force Kidnap Squad. Hamisu Bala of Ibi town, Taraba state. Just so you know, he started small by selling crayfish not worth more than a thousand naira. He later upgraded to fish, properly so called, worth about five thousand naira. He emptied himself into his trade and exhibited the highest degree of propriety, diligence and fairness in his business. Heaven could not overlook him. He forced the hands of Divinity to do something. So, beyond human comprehension, Heaven opened one of its windows and threw upon Wadume the goody-bag of riches.
If he had been idle, there would have been nothing for him to rely upon in stating his case before the court of the Almighty, who is a just and the sole giver of wealth. You too should start small. Sell crayfish. Upgrade to fish. Boom! Your wealth has come.
MODULE II: NOW THAT YOU HAVE IT, FLAUNT IT!
What good is having money if you can’t spend it? Wu den d moni epp?
Now that you have the money, proceed on pilgrimage to Jerusalem or Mecca in thanksgiving to your maker. To show that you have arrived, travel first class, talk first class and wear first class. Never contemplate prayer and fasting while there, you have made it in life. Any pious act now is like campaign after election. Upon completion of the pilgrimage, the next thing is to marry, and if you have a spouse already, add to the number. But before that, remember to add the honorific of JP or Alhaji before or after your name, don’t mind making it your middle name.
You need no telling that after long years of servicing you in all the rooms and compartments in your house, madam is worn out. Her skin now competes with the agama’s, and her tanned skin is a complete opposite of how she came into your life. Her lips have thickened and have been rendered unsuitable for a passionate conversation of the lips. Her once graceful nubile frame has long given way for a tube-like edifice constituting nuisance in your newly acquired mansion. The idea of being romantic or giving it to you in other versions other than the version exported to us by the missionary is lost somewhere in oblivion. Your justification for adding another needs not be stressed. She is now below your standard. Add a fat one. Follow up the fat one with a slim one. Tola should join them as the tall one. What of a short one? Miss not the pleasure they can bring to your bed.
Be not contented with being a local champion; buy a house close to government house, buy a house or more in every major city of the country. Never stay at home for longer than a week except on special occasions. Form busy for everyone including your newly purchased wives, after all, if your money cannot buy you true love it can at least buy you many more mistresses.
If you have a problem, spend money; if you encounter a hitch in solving the problem, spend some more. Spend, seriously spend and spend more money on man till your money bails you out.
MODULE III: BUY THE BOYZ AND THE BIG BOYZ!
As earlier stated, start small. To succeed you need to have boyz and big boyz on your side. Before buying the big boyz, start small by buying the boyz first. How do you do this?
You don’t have to go far. Enter a gaming shop and give “dem boyz” money to play game with. Go to the holy of the holies of the community and deliver truckload of weed to the parishioners of that cathedral, crimson their eyes with your gift. I bet you it will prove a masterstroke during election. Go to Maishayi and settle everyone’s tea and noodles. Extend your benevolence to the beer parlours and football viewing centres. In all your doings, share money.
Get your boys to carry your gospel to every nook and cranny of the locality, especially within a hearing distance of the Big Boyz. Make efforts to draw close to the big boyz. Visit your traditional ruler, when leaving drop some car keys for him and his entourage. The royal blessing that would follow should see you through difficult times. Chieftaincy title may chase you home.
Hang out with politicians and finance their political ambitions. A child in a crowd needs the shoulder of an adult to see what is taking place in the front. Expect them to return the gesture someday.
Your next stop should be the police. Pay them more than the usual fifty naira; allow brown envelopes to reach their postal addresses freely.
If the police prove too trust-worthy for your liking, close their chapter, it is time to aim for the army. Make a field marshal your friend, if this proves difficult, don’t go below a captain
If you have done the above in addition to what I posited in the preceding modules, be proud of yourself, you are now almost a Nigerian politician.
MODULE IV: NEVER KIDNAP, CONTEST FOR POWER!
With your divine wealth, classes of wives, mansions, cars, boyz and big boyz at your disposal, do not contemplate kidnapping for ransom or some shit that some people do these days for money. Let’s get the records right, Wadume never did these kidnapping stuffs. He has said this on several occasions. He sold his fish well and the heavens took pity on him and bestowed wealth on him.
Form a political party or join one, on that platform, contest for election. Ginger your boyz and big boyz to go to the polls and send “Say Baba” back to his infertile cows in Daura or wherever ruga they may be grazing. Call yourself Mai Kyauta – the generous one – and promise that your generosity will reach the pockets of the citizenry. Promise them what you do not intend to provide for them (Are they not ever gullible?), even if you fail at the polls, don’t worry; you are now a Nigerian Politician.
Brandish your new identity as a politician. It explains the source of your wealth. It qualifies you for chieftaincy titles and juicy political appointments. Should those untrustworthy policemen betray you and kidnap you, your boyz and big boyz will alert your friends in the army who will annihilate the Police Kidnap Squad.
Knowledge, they say is power. Now that you have been empowered, do not fail to act on it. Your breakthrough is around the corner. I look forward to reading your success stories.
GODSWILL GWANZWANG ELISHA is a Jalingo-based rookie lawyer. His preoccupation is meeting the needs of his clients. When that gets boring, he unwinds by writing. He is not a writer but on the few occasions that he does, he attempts giving sinews to the bones of his thoughts. Email: email@example.com; Facebook: facebook.com/gebyt1.
PS. I dedicate my first attempt at satire to my most cherished, Priscilla Pama, who taught me that I can liven up and be jocular, and still sustain my pursuit of greatness.