By: Timothy Edaki
Unlike many courses in this University of Life, SAT 101 is a compulsory one for all men. It continues into second semester as SAT 201- Rudimental of wife battery and assault. It carries the highest credit load and is open to all male members of the University. There is no given credit load for it but it is a requirement for every male student immediately you step into a romantic relationship with the opposite sex. The best time is however when the relationship has been cemented in marriage.
The course will highlight ways and methods to teach women, specifically your wife(ves) a lesson. It will proffer solutions to stopping the “running” mouth of a woman using your hands.
The course has a Guide which serves as a compass towards effective use of the course materials as contained in the course units. There is also provision for tutor-marked assignments which should not be handled with levity by students and a truckload of practicals which will involve bringing your wife to class to assault her.
What you will learn in this course:
-You are a man and the automatic ruler, the lord, the owner of the home.
-Your wife(ves) is (are) subservient to you.
-As a man, you are not allowed to show signs of weakness or any form of emotion, that is feminine.
-A wife is to serve your sexual needs, attend to your financial predicament, appease your hunger and provide care and attention for your children.
-In any of these areas, if she fails, you’re allowed to teach her a lesson.
-In every lesson or beating administered, you must leave proof that something went down; a black eye, broken bones, disfigured face, etc.
-Being an alcoholic is a quintessential part of being a man.
-You are under no obligation to love your children or provide for them.
Course Aim:
The aim of this course is to explore the reaction between men and subtle or acute stupidity. It is to explain to the student(male) that your thinking faculties are located not in your brain but in your hands and between your legs.
Course Objectives:
At the end of this course, you should be able to:
1. Provide salient reasons why wife battery and assault is of necessity to society.
2. Explain terms and actions like slaps, blows and other paraphernalia associated with this course.
Course Materials:
Major components of this course are:
1. Wife (for practical purpose)
2. Hands (specifically fists)
3. Belt
4. Stick(s)
5. Bottle(s)
Study Units
Module 1
Unit One. Meaning of wife battery and assault
Unit Two. Traditional/Modern means of wife battery and assault
Unit Three. Instruments required in wife battery and assault
Unit Four. Theories of wife assault
Module Two
Unit One. Culture as it supports wife assault
Unit Two. Society as it supports wife assault
Unit Three. Religion as it supports wife assault
Unit Four. A real man hits his wife- a million reasons to
Module Three
Unit One. Practical lessons
Unit Two. Practical lessons II
Unit Three. More Practical lessons
Unit Four. Raising a legion of wife beaters.
References
Reverend Sir (2005) Introduction to wife assault. Lagos: Religion Publishers.
Mswati (2017) Fundamentals in the business of maltreating your wife. Swaziland: African Culture Publishers.
Elisha. C (2019) The Senatorial pattern of assaulting women. Kano: National Assembly of Assaulters.
Edaki Timothy is a Nigerian undergraduate student. His creative offerings have appeared in Kalahari Review, Praxis Magazine Online, EverGreen Poetry Journal, Sub-Saharan Magazine, Agbówo, POETICA Magazine, Scarlet Silk Anthology and elsewhere. Find him tweeting @timothyedaki.
Absolute Genius.