By: Abdurrahman Bello ONIFADE
Dearest Mr. President,
I am just happy writing to you. I can’t explain but I know even my happiness is happy too. Nigeria is blessed to have a president like you. Never since independence has the nation been so lucky to have a president who ‘belongs to everybody’ and at the same time ‘belongs to nobody.’ If the colonialists who handed political power to our na-thieves could see the future, they would probably have waited more to ensure Nigeria’s first president is ‘integrity’ personified. And no one is that except you. Well, we are still lucky anyway. Let’s praise the Lord!
They say God’s time is the best. And that is why no sane person will doubt that there is no best time to establish the Muhammadu Buhari University (MBU) than now. If not for fear of being taken away by our loving Department of State Security (DSS), I would have disclosed for long that I’m in love with your wife, Aisha Buhari. Sorry, the ‘First Lady.’ She is not only beautiful but very intelligent. Only an intelligent woman could think of establishing a university in the name of her husband. Immortalization at its best. Perfect!
The First Lady has consistently shown that despite your wonderful faux pass that she belongs to the ‘Oza Room,’ she will not stop loving you – her one and only ‘Baba Go-Slow.’ Love is a beautiful thing. Come to think of it: has any other First Lady ever thought of establishing a university in her husband’s name? No. Not even Mama Peace whose husband holds a PhD in ‘Docility’ and ‘Democratic Championship.’
Mr. President, so I read in some reports that works have begun on the establishment of the MBU. I know you may not know. But speaking in a press conference last week inside your office, Solomon Dalong, who said he has been appointed acting Director, Public Communications, for MBU, revealed that about “N3billion is to be ‘spended’ on infrastructural developments of the Muhammadu Buhari University, Yola.”
I am so happy to hear the news. Flanked by the controversial police officer, Joseph Mbu, the acting Chief Security Officer of your yet-to-be-established university, Dalong said, “The First Lady had perfected discussions with investors during the last lesser hajj she had with the President in Saudi Arabia. Plans and percentage of funding to be released from both the Federal Government of Nigerian (FGN) and the Saudi investors will, however, be finalized during the next hajj operations.”
The statement further reads in part: “The Muhammadu Buhari University will be established in Yola and subsequently, campuses will be constructed in all geopolitical zones of the nation. The reason for this is not far-fetched. The President who is an embodiment of integrity and the only incorruptible Nigerian on planet earth wants every Nigerian to be like him. He has said repeatedly that if we don’t kill corruption, corruption will kill us. Therefore, MBU is all out to ensure corruption is eradicated in Nigeria.”
That was just too perfect Mr. President. Imagine if every Nigerian was just like you. Owning nothing but some cows. No houses in Texas, Dubai or Johannesburg. And one may only check into a London hospital to treat an unknown ailment, with public funds. It doesn’t matter if one spends more than 100 days; so long other animals will sit up when the ‘Lion King’ returns to the jungle. Oh! That’s so sweet.
Mr. President, my personal findings revealed from Dalong’s statement that the choice of Yola was mainly to counter the activities of the American University of Nigeria (AUN), Yola. The AUN seems to be running a clandestine programme in ‘Server Hacking.’ I believe something has to be done about it. I was even told that the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) has said if nothing is done to check it by the FGN, the integrity of the 2023 elections could be compromised even before they are conducted. We cannot allow that to happen. Never.
So can we just place advert for application for your university? We have to be careful of the applicants so that the set objectives of MBU are not undermined. Like you said your ministers must be people you know, the applicants must have qualities we know. I have a few suggestions for the kinds of applicants MBU needs. We could just make it like this:
The Muhammadu Buhari University, Yola, through its Directorate of Public Communications, hereby calls for application to fill its academic and non-academic positions. All applicants, especially for principal offices, must:
* have 15 years cognate experience is prioritization of frivolous projects in the academia.
* be pot-bellied or with potential signs of obesity.
Note: Applicants’ bellies will be measured with a ruler and anyone whose belly is less than 5 inches will be disqualified outright.
* have a decade experience in deflating students’ ‘gra-gra’ during protest.
* have engaged in intellectual theft (i.e. plagiarism) and not be interested in research or academic excellence. The MBU is meant to kill corruption not raise some intelligentsia who will agitate for ‘knowledge economy’, ‘political will’ or ‘good governance.’
* be willing at all times to by-pass due process and employ the services of kits and kin, friends and relatives, without public outcry.
* not have his/her children in Nigerian public institutions.
* be ready to suppress press freedom on campus and justify managerial ineptitude with either temperamental arrogance, by suspending and banning virile students’ union and unionists or both.
Note: The MBU is aimed at raising intellectual robots who are conformists to social ills; not some chaps who will tell their in loco parentis that a fly has perched on their scrotums.
I know you would like the draft above. Can we just earmark N150 million only for advert placements in New York Times, Washington Post and London Guardian? At least if Hadi Sirika could launch the failed Nigeria Air project abroad, we can do same too for this. This won’t fail though.
And Mr. President, you know oyinbo people say failing to plan is planning to fail. Let’s plan the ahead. I already know the best courses to be run at MBU. No university in the world runs such programmes. Check this out too:
The Muhammadu Buhari University hereby announces admission into the following programmes:
Professional Certificates in:
– Kickboxing and Fence Scaling
– Python Dance and Related Operations
– Grass-cutting Logistics
– Cattle Colony
– Theatrics of Delay in Minimum Wage and Implementation
– Mace Theft and Legisla-thieve Hooliganism
Professional Masters in:
– Banditry and Kidnapping
– Budget Padding
– School Feeding and Stomach Infrastructure
– Dignified Incompetence and Political Mediocrity
Note: Applicants for the professional masters programme in ‘Dignified Incompetence and Political Mediocrity’ must apply through the Speaker, Kaduna State House of Assembly – under whose headship a competent critic of the governor was disqualified from public service; or by proxy through the APC mob who protested the appointment of one Dr. Festus Adedayo and ensured the decision was rescinded.
– Vote Buying
– Corruption Subsidy
Note: Application for the PhD programme in ‘Corruption Subsidy’ is open only to politicians whose cases with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) have either been withdrawn or pardoned due to their political affiliation with the President. Mr. President belongs to a party of saints, run by saints and for soon-to-be saints. It doesn’t matter if these saints had stolen public treasury in sums more than what will be ‘spended’ on establishing the MBU.
I know you love it already Mr. President. I’m doing all these free of charge. Should members of the press or opposition contact you at all, just tell them in your usual manner of knowing ‘nothing’ about ‘everything’ that: “I don’t know what you are talking about. I heard one Joseph Mbu has been parading himself as the CSO of MBU because he bears same name with the school acronym. I can assure I will talk to my wife about it in the ‘oza room’; but get more details from Osinbajo.”
Meanwhile, I know some groups of Nigerians under the aegis of ‘We Cannot Take It Movement’ may through their counsel, Orubebe and Sons, petition or sue you over the establishment of MBU. That won’t be an issue at all. We can get Justice Aiyeniromo Onye-ara of the Federal High Court in Abuja to adjourn the case till May 29, 2023; stating that “all parties concerned must be in court.”
What do you think Mr. President? Please do reply me before responding to Obasanjo’s open letter. Cheers!
Abdurrahman Bello Onifade is a graduate of Nigeria’s first university; where he studied ˜Organization of Ancient Knowledge with a speciality in Political Jargons. He is currently a graduate student at Ado Bayero University, Kano; where he studies ˜Information Chemistry and Knowledge Anatomy. He is the author of Student Unionism in Nigeria: Challenges & Strategies.