By: Obinna Tony-Francis Ochem
Are you a man? Are you tired of feminists? Most especially tired of twitter feminists? Do they rope all men together to drive an agenda? I am sure you know the word, ‘agenda’ is rife on Twitter. The latest phrases are ‘agenda people’ and ‘agenda people must agend.’
When feminists want to call out problematic men, they tweet or say ‘Men’, but you as a man is tired of being held accountable. After all, you protect women from other men. How dare they not be appreciative of you? Men are God’s given gift to earth. You are an alpha male, don’t mind those male allies, they are nothing but ass lickers and beta males. Don’t cower to their level, you are more than gassing twitter misandrists. Yes, they are misandrists. Nothing else.
“Men are trash,” she tweets. You scroll through your timeline, your glance catches the tweet, it makes you sad. You think, “Look at you. I am different from all men. I don’t rape women,” then you stop, brushes it off. It doesn’t matter if you rape or harass women, or if you are a Misogynist. What matters is that you are on twitter where no one knows you. Don’t allow them to rope men together. It is not all men, you yell, before typing all your caustic words.
Before you type those caustic words, do you think twitter feminists will dignify you with a response? You want them to get hurt when you tweet, so they will reply to you? And you scream a win for Patriarchy FC. Patriarchy FC always on the lead. Here are the little guide to follow.
You log in to Twitter, a tweet pops on your timeline. Another girl had been raped. Men are getting bashed. A twitter feminist tweets that this is the reason why she hates men, listing all the crimes men have perpetrated toward women. Under the thread, there would be fellow women and male allies making her point. There will be people like you, making an incoherent argument for your fellow men, talking about, “Not All Men”.
Take a deep breath, ignore them, tweet about your brother who was raped by a woman. If you don’t have a brother, talk about other men. Create a fairy tale. I will recommend you read more of Stephen King literature. After all, Chinụa Achebe became the father of African literature by writing fiction.
After that, make up statistics, to talk about how all young boys had been harassed by female housemaids, in as much, most Nigerian households don’t have a housemaid. Mothers acted as a maid. Do it, then you will see feminists getting rattled by your tweets. You have given yourself an A in Gaslighting 101.
Do you know what Whataboutism means? Google it, my friend. When a feminist, tweets about women, bring out the theory. Watch them get rattled.
2) Male Feminist
If you can’t do the first one, become a male feminist. When you join twitter, the first thing to put on your bio is feminist, before you list the football club you support, then finally adds God-lover. This doesn’t mean anything. You can even call yourself King of Feminists. After all, women can’t fight for themselves like you have been taught, Patriarchy needs the input of men. Take up space. Educate women. Tell them to become Feminist-lites and stop making Feminism hate against men. When they make a hasty generalisation, tell them this is why most men don’t want to identify as Feminists. She will have to rethink. You know, without male inputs, feminism would not have been a thing. All the waves of Feminism meant nothing.
When you call yourself King of Feminism, destroyer of Patriarchy, you can sneak in flavour of Misogyny, then some of your feminist-lite women will hail you, or make excuses for you. All hail their king. At that, start masterclasses, on menstruations, on female reproductive health. You will be hailed for ensuring female cleanliness.
Why am I telling you all these? So, when they tweet, Men, you can invade their mention, saying Not All MEN. They will listen. All hail the saviour of women.
3) Outright Misogyny
This is the best selling stuff. Establish your account, start tweeting violence at women. When people ask you why the account was established, tell them because it’s to counter misandry. Because they are oppressing you. They want men extinct. Men’s only crime is violence against women, rape against women, etc, you think it does not warrant the male slander all over the timeline.
A part of bro-code said bro should not listen to b*tches. You know bros’ are meant to listen to broses only. Alaye no fall bros hands. Tell them women should stop holding men accountable. You only listen when a fellow man gives advice. Don’t you remember when there are hot takes on Twitter, some men tag, Ogbenidipo to give his two cents? Yes. Because only men should advise men. Or Kevin Odanz and Oloye, they are experts. They are the chief, learn from them to boost your Misogyny CV.
4) Ozzy’s Obsession
Before you created a twitter account, you must have read about Ozzy, her tweets all over social media? From Facebook, WhatsApp status, and Instagram. Since you are a man, you should have seen her from your fellow men, bashing her.
She is too soft. Her assistant is Kiki Mordi. Ignore that one. She is not soft like Ozzy, except after you have built your audience, and can face her squarely with supports.
Face Ozzy. When she tweets anything about her son, twist it to fit your narrative. Not any narrative, the narrative that will make your male followers insult her. To say she doesn’t know what Feminism is all about. To say she hates men. Keep tweeting at her. While at that, be one of her twitter followers. Don’t care if she follows back. Once she tweets, jump to attack until she blocks you.
Then you have made it.
There are two types: Satire and Satirical Misogynist.
— Satire: When you come across a video where a man rescued a young girl, tweet, “ah, men are trash. Why did he rescue her.” Then add angry emoji. Your followers will understand the point you are trying to make. Even if it’s dumb. It doesn’t matter if an older woman could have done the same to a younger boy. It reinstates men as saviours, not trash.
When there is a video of male armed robbers apprehended by men. Tweet, “Look at that, inequality in terms of security and protection.” Your fellow men will litter all over your tweet. They will understand. Those women are two-faced hypocrites.
—Satirical Misogynist: You tweet about women’s struggles, thanking God you are not a woman, then tell your fellow men to tweet why they are thanking God they are not women. Mockery emojis littered all over your tweets. When a feminist calls you out, call it satirical Misogyny. *Inserts feeling cute emoji”
Here, you don’t want to be anything. You have your main account, but created a burner account because you are tired of political correctness people, social justice warrior leftists, etc. You barely have more than a hundred followers.
Your twitter avatar, is a picture of Lord future, a random man or a woman because you don’t want anyone to know who you are. Most of the time, your tweet is under “See More.” Your whole tweet is on dragging, bodyshaming, and insulting women. Don’t stop. When you feel most of the twitter Feminists have blocked you, deactivate and create a new one. Lord Future will be proud of your hustle, after all, Misogyny is a personal trait.
Obinna Tony-Francis Ochem is an Igbo- Nigerian writer. He writes from the comfort of his tranquility, exploring the theme of gender, class, sexuality, climate change and shape shifting monsters. He is an alumni of the L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future Online Workshop and SpringNG ’20 cohort writing mentorship program. His works are published in Moskedapages, Kalahari Review, Punocracy Longlist, Tush Magazine essay finalist and The WorkBooth magazine. He was a finalist for 2019 Quramo Writers’ Prize for his manuscripts, Deep Ocean, and one other finalist. He is studying Marine Sciences at the University of Lagos and blogs on www.obynofranc.wordpress.com. He tweets, @obynofranc.