By: Aliogo Chika Eunice
In the beginning, God created Nigeria and sighed.
For Nigeria was without industries and institutions and ideas, and when God wanted to put those in place, the ‘godfathers’ had adamantly refused saying, “Things aren’t done like that. A special committee needs to be set up to investigate why Nigeria was created and why Nigeria needs industries and institutions before anything can be done.”
A perplexed God went round Nigeria and saw darkness and God said, ‘Let there be light’, but PHCN said no.
God thought to himself that this must be a difficult country, and so he made provisions for candles, generators, inverters and solar power panels. God called the light “Up NEPA” and the darkness “Noise”.
God saw Nigeria was a big directionless land and said, “Let there be a division”. God called his front North and his back South. When God saw there was still enough space by his side, he called his left side West and his right side East.
Once God saw it was good, he gave the divisions a new identity. The North was to be inhabited by Hausas, the South by Niger Deltans, the East by Igbos and the West by Yorubas.
God saw that the old divisions were capable of springing forth new divisions and so God let it happen. The North brought forth North East, North West and North Central and the South brought forth South-South, South East, and South West. God saw it was good.
God created states in each new division and each State had its strength in terms of natural resources, peculiarities and human capital.
The North was in charge of food, the South was blessed with crude oil, the West had the privilege of education, while the East were rewarded with industrialists and businessmen. God saw that it was good.
God made airplanes to fly in the sky, boats and ships for the waters, and cars, donkeys, and cows for the road.
God appointed an Edo woman to oversee the affairs of the sky, an Igbo man to supervise the affairs of the sea, and a Fulani man to guide the affairs of the land. God saw that it was good.
God saw that Nigeria needed leadership and so he said, “Let us appoint a man in our own image that would oversee the affairs of Nigeria.”
God searched and later found a man called Buhari. God appointed him as President and gave him control over Nigeria.
When God saw that Buhari was lonely, God decided it wasn’t good for him to be alone. So he provided Buhari with companions and called them Cows.
The Cows became powerful and could stand amongst men. They could own lands without federal allocation and were social media influencers. The cows also had a right to eat and live. God saw that Buhari was happy and God said it was good.
On the last day, God decided to rest. But just as he closed his eyes to sleep, God heard his name being called from different directions and God wondered why.
Nigerians kept calling God to fight terrorism, to repair their roads, to put a leash on cows who identified as dogs because of their companionship, to provide light and jobs and other infrastructures.
God heaved a sigh of frustration.
Then God said to himself, “Na only me waka come? Abeg I cannot come and go and kill myself.”
And God left Nigeria and journeyed farther south, and found a new land and God saw it was good. God called the new land South Africa, and decided to have his rest there.
Na only me waka come: A humorous statement made famous by former Nigerian First Lady, Patience Jonathan.
Abeg, I cannot come and go and kill myself: A Nigerian expression of surrender and compliance, often spoke out of frustration or despair. Loosely translates to, “Please, I can’t kill myself.”
A girl has a name but prefers to be called Bro by all. A girl knows life fucks people either way, and so, loves pun. A girl loves numbers but idolizes words. A girl is me.