NDDC MD’s acting coach resigns after his ‘disappointing performance’

ABUJA (The T.A. Report) ― Apparently frustrated, the drama coach of Professor Kemebradichemo Dan Pondeck, boss of the Niger Delta Directorate of Corruption (NDDC), has resigned following his “disappointing performance” yesterday at the House of Representatives.

Professor Pondeck had “passed out” (with some difficulty) on Monday while he was being questioned by the federal lawmakers on how his directorate mismanaged N81.5 billion in 2020 alone.

His trainer, who identified himself simply as Director Rukevwe, said he has never had a more terrible teaching experience and he is, in fact, considering getting treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

“The entire national assembly probe is a script we’ve written since last year and this fainting episode is meant to be the season finale,” he said. “But see what happened? My whole reputation is on the line. My career is in shambles.”

He explained that the plan was hatched by the Ministry of Information to rebrand the Muhammadu Buhari administration “so the anti-corruption war appears to move beyond audio to audiovisual”.

“It is the same thing with the EFCC boss probe,” he whispered over the phone. “Why do you think both of them are acting chairman and MD? You think it’s a coincidence? My brother, their job description all this while has been just to act — and Magu is doing well so far.”

Director Rukevwe described Professor Pondeck as his worst student since he started teaching what he calls “Political Theatrics” seven years ago. He said his record, which was sterling, has now been stained for life.

“I directed Sifia Pains in 2018 and trained the leading actor, Ogun-Idile Fayose. You will agree with me it was an Oscar award material with outstanding success. Some of my other students include Rashidi Meina, Olisa Metoo, and Didino Meliar, who has since excelled as a world-class entertainer.”

“But Pondeck,” he continued. “He is an absolute failure. The plan was for him to pass out without movement after feigning epileptic fits in the green chambers. He was supposed to have thrown in two or three coughs too so COVID-19 can be suspected. That would have delayed the probe by at least 14 days, you know.”

In September 2019, former lawmaker, Meliar, explained that his notable performance during a criminal trial where he “was unable to stand” was due to a concept known as courtophobia.

“You all joke with everything in this country. I seriously couldn’t stand. It happens whenever I’m in a court room. I have courtophobia. Google it!” he tweeted.

We at The T.A. Report are on the edge of our seat to see what the NDDC professorial boss comes up with. House-of-reps-o-phobia is certainly a mouthful, and maybe way too specific. Probophobia, perhaps?

Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.