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Masterclass: How to become a Nigerian society

Masterclass: How to become a Nigerian society

By: Uchenna Emelife

We like to tell ourselves that Nigeria is a beautiful country. This is notwithstanding the deaths, kidnappings, robberies, terrorist attacks, fraud that take place almost on a daily basis. We insist on using ‘beautiful’ as though the glaring blemishes are simply beauty marks. What I particularly love about Nigeria however, is her people. They are exceptional in many ways. So if you’re interested in learning how to fully become part of a Nigerian society or you have doubts as to the kind of Nigerian society you’re already part of, you are in luck. I’m here for you.

The Nigerian Society (NS) can be classified into two:

1. The Average Nigerian Society (ANS)

2. The Woke Nigerian Society (WNS)

1. The Average Nigerian Society (ANS)

The ANS is made up of Nigerians who are highly conservative. They are hostile to everything that may seem Western except religion, even though the same westernisation brought the very religion they revere. They have very little exposure, may be educated but not exposed. They find several platforms of exposure like movies, books, social media a distraction and would rather hold on to their beliefs and their Pastors’.

Want to become part of an ANS? Here are some easy steps:

What To Do When You Hear of Rape

As an aspiring member of ANS, you must meet a rape news with an already formed conviction that whoever got raped brought it upon themselves. If it’s a woman, oh! It is your lucky day, an avenue to preach the Gospel. So before inquiring further details, demand that your questions be answered. These should be your questions:

What was she wearing?

Important question. No one who is fully clad can be raped or attract a rapist. After all, there has never been any rape victim who was raped while in a decent dress. You must say this part with full confidence. Stand on it and don’t let any body shame you with things like “You’re making a case for rapists,” so what if you are? The way some ladies dress with their bodies exposed, it is deserving they get raped even.

Some people will attack you with news of kids being raped and decently dressed ladies too. But I’m here to teach you how to clapback. Revert with more questions like:

Why Were They Walking Alone at Night?

You throw this one when the indecent dressing fails. Remember you have one mission which is to justify the rape, so you must never leave any loophole. When the said victim is fully clad and still got raped, then there must have been walking alone at night. If true, then what were they expecting? Why would a woman who is so weak and should rely on a man for security walk alone at night when they are not asking to be raped? You’ve to put this question out with a straight face. It is philosophical, wait till it sinks in. If it looks like they don’t still get it, remind them that God in His wisdom created Eve for Adam so they could walk together. Drop the mic after this. You don finish talk.

Have you seen kids these days?

For real, have they seen? Why are they trying so hard to exonerate the victim? Didn’t the Bible say that heaven helps those who help themselves? These people don’t help themselves, that’s why they get raped.

Back to your question. Tell them that parents in the way they style their children offer them to be raped. And some of these kids stubbornly mature faster than normal. If they never wanted to be raped, maybe they would have never allowed their chests and buttocks protrude early and their parents would have dressed them more decently.

What To Do When You Hear of Suicide

God forbid! Yes. That should be your first reaction. It is only a coward that would kill themselves. If only they prayed harder and believed in God, their situation would have been resolved. After airing this, you move on to the comparisons.

As an aspiring member of ANS, you must be good with putting others in your shoes, even when you don’t know what they’re passing through. Believe that your situation is worse and if you could survive it, then anyone can survive anything. So say things like:

“Look at him. He is even in first class. Me that lost my Dad when I was in UG 1 and I had to repeat the whole year, did I kill myself? He is just a big fool.”

Especially when the said suicidal person is still contemplating suicide, but if they have already died by it, the condemnation stage begins:

“He will rot in hell. Bloody fool. Suicide is a sin. Ah! That’s how somebody used his own hand and enter hell fire.”

Never ever try to be logical or attempt to understand. That’s the devil trying to fool you into thinking that it’s okay to commit suicide. Suicide should never be an option.

How To React To the News of a Homophobic Attack

Someone is already doing God’s work, so you must be glad. Say things like, “Serves them right. They deserve to die.” Ignore that love which religion advises you to show. A homosexual can never be your neighbor so they don’t deserve your love. Gay people are why the world is as it is now. It is not corruption or crime or racism as the media is painting, it is homosexuals. They are the cause of Coronavirus. Believe this, profess this. And when you see the photo of a loved-up homosexual couple, you have to talk about their sex life with such obsession that it could be mistaken that you long for it. If you are a guy, ask, “How can another guy put his dick in my ass?” even though no one ever offered to. You watch and enjoy gay porn. Ehen, so what? That one is different na. It’s just acting.

Do these and in no time, the ANS badge is yours.

2. The Woke Nigerian Society (WNS)

The WNS is further divided into two:

1. Religious Woke Nigerian Society (RWNS)

2. Irreligious Woke Nigerian Society (IWNS)

Members of the RWNS and IWNS are Nigerians who are educated, exposed and very progressive. The RWNS however is still religious. They visit their various worship places but struggle with some religious ideas. Christians who belong to this category would rather than tithe, give the money to a beggar. Empathetic, they try not to judge or condemn people. Except when you don’t fit into their freethinking.

While the IWNS is made up of atheists, agnostics, persons who are indifferent to a religion and God. They are everything the RWNS is, except they are more liberal.

What To Do When You Hear of Rape

As an aspiring member of the WNS, you can react to a rape news in two ways, depending on the kind of woke you are. Emotional woke? Or faux-intellectual woke? If you want to be the former, you have to stand with the victim’s statement always. As an emotional WNS, you either start a GoFundMe account for the victim if she needs it, or you launch a cancel campaign of the rapist especially if he is well known. Notice my usage of pronouns? That’s what you must agree with. The victim is always female and right, and the rapist is always male and should rot.

As for the faux-intellectual WNS, you’re an automatic balancer. When a lady talks about how she was raped, meet it with “Even boys get raped too”. You must clamour for equal sentence to be given to a false rape accuser in the event of them lying.

This applies to both members of the RWNS and IWNS.

What To Do When You Hear of Suicide

Write beautiful articles about how important it is to reach out to loved ones always. Whether or not you actually do it, doesn’t matter. Just write sweet articles and after earning 4000 retweets, go about your normal life until the next suicide. Unlike the ANS, the RWNS doesn’t condemn or judge the victim. So, say things like, “I pray you find the calm the world couldn’t offer you.” This bit isn’t necessary if you aspire to the IWNS.

How To React To the News of a Homophobic Attack

This is so ungodly. You must blurt out as a member of the RWNS. You are to stand by the ‘live and let live‘ rule and be embittered by the remarks of the ANS that gloat over the victims of the attack. Leave judgement and condemnation to God is the code you should leave by.

If you aspire to the IWNS however, you should not be as subtle. You must insult God, religion, Christians, Muslims, and blame them for homophobia. Bring in your personal loathe for Nigerian pastors into it, whether it adds up or not. Isn’t religion the opium of the society after all?

That’s it, students. If you have got questions, leave them as comments. I will be happy to reply. Visit my blog same time next week where I will be taking another masterclass: How To Become A Nigerian Church.

Uchenna Emelife is a journalist, creative writer, content creator, and a literary enthusiast. His works have appeared and are forthcoming in Nigeria’s Nation Newspaper, the ICIR, Opinion Nigeria, Minority Africa, Punocracy and others. A third year student of Literature In English, Uchenna was awarded Rookie Journalist Of The Year by the National Union of Campus Journalists (NUCJ) in 2019 and Essayist of the year by the local chapter of the NUCJ and Campus Reporter of the year by Pen Press UDUS. In 2020, he co-pioneered a book club in his school, Book O’Clock UDUS where he reports and writes about books and currently serves as the deputy editor-in-chief of Pen Press UDUS, Programs Director of Minority Africa and the Resource Officer of the Caliphate Arts and Literary Forum. He tweets @uc_emelife.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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