Vacancy! Vacancy! Vacancy!
The management of Blue Burgundy Corp Inc. Unlimited wishes to announce to the general public the commencement of its recruitment programme. Following the successful completion of its last recruitment exercise a few weeks ago, the company has decided to, in line with its corporate values of dedication and service to its customers, shareholders, community and the nation at large, bring on competent and able-bodied new bloods. The position we are recruiting for this time is that of Chief Qualimarketing Officer(s).
About the position
The position of the Chief Qualimarketing Officer (CQO) is similar to that of the Quality Assurance Officer (QAO) but is directly adjacent to that of the Principal Marketing Officer (PMO). It is a job that lies within the expertise of Human Resources but at the same time pays its dues in Community Relations with a touch of Advertising, a brush of Public Relations and a splash of Computer Science, a stroke of Clinical Psychology and a hint of high school chemistry.
The position offers competitive pay for successful applicants who can withstand the pressure of working in a high-pressure and high-turnover environment. The hours are flexible, but successful applicants must be on call 24/7 and also on Monday through Saturday. The employment package also comes with perks like work-provided lunch and dinner, fresh air, connections and fundamental human rights.
Key requirements
Applicants must have a strong educational background. Ideally, we want individuals who solve problems, so we are not limiting ourselves to only those who provide qualifications acquired through formally structured education. Since we believe that education and being educated are social constructs, we welcome applications from people from all walks of life.
Applicants must be individuals who possess strong critical thinking skills. We want outside-the-box thinkers. But we also want creative and intuitive people who understand and respect the box’s experience. We seek individuals who can think quickly and effectively in high-pressure situations.
Furthermore, candidates must be strong and healthy. There will be a physical examination and testing (with the candidate’s permission) to test the vitality of every applicant. We will also conduct psych exams to see how mentally in tune each applicant is, as well as a gym exercise to see how much they can bench press. This is to make sure they are the right fit for the mental, social and physical strains of the job.
Above all else, candidates must exhibit positive virtues that align with those of Blue Burgundy. There will be thorough background checks and a forensic examination of the social media presence of each applicant.
Application guidelines
Interested applicants are strongly encouraged to submit their application letters with their CV, ID card, employment history and medical records attached at the Blue Burgundy office closest to them. We’re not invasive, just thorough. They also have to sign an NDA and pay ₦10,000 as an indication of their commitment to the application process.
Note: Applicants who have applied before for a role that sounds similar to this are strongly encouraged to try again, as tonnes of invaluable applicant data were lost when the portion of the company’s website handling recruitment burned down when it came under attack from malicious cyber forces.
Blue Burgundy… Transforming lives, corporealising dreams
Oluwagbenga Kolawole is a writer and political thinker with a deep respect for the style of Amos Tutuola’s The Palmwine Drinkard. In his spare time, he can be found blowing bubbles, fighting crime, or staring suspiciously at the news. He is also a husband to several beautiful women and the boyfriend of one beautiful lady, to all of whom he remains entirely faithful. He is the reigning champion of the World Sarcasm Federation Championship, a title he takes very seriously. You can catch up with him on Substack at thekaygeepapers.substack.com or on X at @olukolawole_.
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