A church thanksgiving

Ladies and gentlemen, my brothers and sisters in Christ, help me to shout seven powerful hallelujahs.

In fact, I don’t think seven hallelujahs will do. Help me to add another fourteen to it. I’m the only one that knows the kind of evil that God averted in my life and on this entire planet. If you don’t want the kind of disaster God averted over my life to come to you and your family, praise, praise, praise, Master Jesus! Amen? Thank you.

I will begin my testimony by thanking our father in the lord, Superior Primate Reverend Doctor John Igbagbodola (JP), for his spiritual and emotional support and guidance over me, my family, and this church as a whole. You see, the devil is a liar. But as our father in the Lord used to say, there is no spiritual or physical attack that we cannot overcome with faith and the power of prayer.

My own problem started when my neighbour developed an infection in his eye. Medical practitioners all over the country told him that it was glaucoma and that he should try to reduce the kind of activities he engaged in. But he was a driver who made his daily living by transporting goods all over the country and sight is a sense that is absolutely crucial for him.

Although his family members were able to raise money for the operation and had told him to sit around and do nothing, I convinced him not to let anything hold him back, and I gave him prayer water from the holy well that our father in the Lord blessed last year. A few days after, disaster struck; his eyesight deteriorated rapidly, and he became blind. Now, this is where the devil started showing his wily machinations; his family members dragged me to court for maiming him. They allowed the devil to blind them to the fact that what happened to him was actually a spiritual attack.

After their petition and the official filing of the lawsuit, I was thrown in jail. In jail, I met this guy who was imprisoned for constituting a public nuisance. When I got to know him better, I realised that he was heartbroken because he had gone for testing, and the doctor had told him he couldn’t marry his long-term girlfriend because they were both sickle cell carriers. I first burst into laughter at the absurdity of his situation. What is sickle cell where the God of Superior Primate Reverend Doctor John Igbagbodola (JP) is? Isn’t He the one who created everything?

So I counselled this guy, and I told him to trust and pray with me. I told him not to let anything or anyone distract him from his true love. And that what was happening to him was a machination of the devil. I told him that as soon as he is released, he should go to the house of the girl like a proper alpha male and tell her what he thinks. And that if she runs into his arms, he will know it is meant to be. He got out and did as I told him. Brethren in Christ, you won’t believe that his wedding has been fixed for next week. He is even here right now. Brother Felix, shout one hallelujah! Thank you.

At this point, I would like to speak to us about the unity of the church. Throughout all the weeks I spent in detention, nobody reached out to me. I was instead hearing rumours about how my enemies, and not I, will be spending the rest of their lives in jail. Only Iya Eruwa brought beans to my cell once. Our father in the lord also sent his wife. I’m very grateful to the three of you. But for everybody else, please, let us stay united. Don’t let the devil enter our midst.

Anyway, back to the issue that took me to detention, I was eventually taken to court. I didn’t get a lawyer, because deep down I knew I wasn’t guilty and that no one in my family had ever gone to prison. I knew I had no cause to worry. Brothers and sisters in Christ, you wouldn’t believe that when I got to court, a lawyer miraculously appeared to defend me for free. He told me he was pro bono, which I’m sure translates to ‘led by the Holy Spirit.’ This man argued and argued, and God used him to conquer the devil and the lawyers my neighbour’s children brought. At some point, they said I was lying and that I was liable, but the lawyer set them straight. He told them that even though I am human, I am a devoted Christian and thus incapable of lying.

At this point, I should say once again that prayer solves all problems. Guys, let us all be prayerful. Did you know that the guy that they were suing me over was not even angry with me? In fact, the last time I spoke with him, he told me it was fate. In return, I counselled him too. I told him not to let anything hold him back. Before the incident, that guy was the Max Verstappen of truck drivers, and now, even in his state, he’s working towards getting back behind the wheel. He might even break the Guinness World Records for being the first blind commercial driver. For with God, all things are what? All things are possible! Thank you.

Finally, I would like to thank the god of our Superior Primate Reverend for not putting me to shame. He has always been with me and is with me still through all the challenges and difficulties. The lawsuit was withdrawn; I was acquitted; the sickle cell carriers that doctors said cannot marry are about to get married; and I was able to bring one more soul into the fold. For this reason, I would like someone to help me shout a loud and thunderous hallelujah.

Halelluya?

Halleluayah!

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Oluwagbenga Kolawole is a writer and political thinker with a deep respect for the style of Amos Tutuola’s The Palmwine Drinkard. In his spare time, he can be found blowing bubbles, fighting crime, or staring suspiciously at the news. He is also a husband to several beautiful women and the boyfriend of one beautiful lady, to all of whom he remains entirely faithful. He is the reigning champion of the World Sarcasm Federation Championship, a title he takes very seriously. You can catch up with him on Substack at thekaygeepapers.substack.com or on X at @olukolawole_.