By: Obinna Tony-Francis Ochem
Dear Nigerian gay man, have you ever thought about how to be a gay man in a homophobic country like Nigeria? A country where your human right is denied for hurting nobody? Oh, I was quick to forget you are a menace. A menace that should be eradicated anytime sooner. I forgot that a Nigerian Twitter account once said homosexuality is the cause of insurgency, killing, economic recession and other happenings in Nigeria. His tweet got a lot of likes and retweets. Don’t you know everyone can’t be wrong? You are really threading a wrong path.
So, spare my initial goof, I forgot you are the main problem bedevilling this country. You need to abandon your immoral act for this country to blossom. What’s the essence of doing what’s retarding this country? Don’t mind Americans, what worked for them can’t work for us. We are Africans and our root must be upheld. Don’t you know we are known for our masculinity? Nothing should tamper with it.
Why would you even choose to be gay? I know you chose this lifestyle because you wanted to appear woke, chase clout and do other abominable things. People have been trying to trend on social media for being woke and you definitely don’t want to be left out. You are the problem with this society. You, feminists and atheists. Without you, this country would have been great. Imagine your audacity? You are now raising shoulder pads with God.
You know I’m among the few people that like you, so I have come with a piece of advice for you on how to be a Nigerian gay man else you’ll risk being imprisoned in a cell for fourteen years. Fourteen good years in that dilapidated building. Don’t be unfortunate. I think this advice is coming from the deepest place in my heart.
— Become a homophobe. Whenever you hear your friend discussing homosexuality, try to make your voice heard. Tell them how irritating it is and how those that engage in it will burn in a lake of fire. Talk loudly. Allow your voice to be more audible than theirs. Ask them why a man who sees beautiful women everywhere, would still sleep with another man. Even if your statement is being thwarted, still talk. Talk. Everyone is on your side. By that, no one will suspect you are gay. They will tell anyone that becomes suspicious about you how you loathe gays.
— While you loathe them, don’t forget to make lewd comments about how you’ll smash that beautiful girl out there. Describe her anatomy in vivid details. Tell them how women’s breasts are round and bobbling. How their butts are perfect and how their lips are luscious. If you can gesticulate well, round your hands and show them how you’ll sleep with her. Don’t forget to be a misogynist. Bash women. Bash them. Have them only as a fuck mate. Don’t be too soft on them.
— If you audition for big brother Naija and get lucky to be chosen, don’t go there and be secluded to yourself. Be like an average Nigerian man. Have sex and grope women on a daily basis. Don’t stick to only a woman. Show them that you are a bad boy. When the show ends, continue trying to impress everyone that you are a straight man. Show off girls on your Instagram page and on your Instagram status, upload videos of yourself caressing girls. Don’t forget to be addressing women as bitches.
— When you are interviewed and asked about your opinion on LGBT, say they are the problem in this country and quote biblical verses you have memorised to support your assertions. The LGBT activists will only get mad and cause uproar online but most Nigerians will love and praise you. They’ll tell you how you are God’s gift and won’t care if you are smashing a girl and closeted homosexual. Don’t support ever support LGBT. It’s the worst sin. Nigerians will wish you heaven’s gate and tell you how you are the best thing to happen after Jesus.
Tony-Francis Ochem, is an undergraduate student of the University of Lagos, Nigeria. He loves reading and writing. His love for horror and fantasy stories can be dated to his early days of fiction till he found about something called a Speculative fiction. He is still on his early age of writing and hoping that one day, he will become a powerhouse.