By: Ola W. Halim
—HOW were you dressed?
Like a gum-bubbling whore, right?
Skimpy blouse, navel-on-fire-but-please-don’t-touch?
Bumshorts gripping your backside in a fist of bulbous skin?
Brown skin girl, clap for yourself.
Brown skin flaunting herself while sashaying past a terrace of signposts which read, in resplendent crimson, BEWARE OF DOGS!
Of course, you weren’t carrying a sign that read: DOGS, RAPE ME.
Or perhaps you’ve forgotten you’re dealing with real dogs.
Growling dogs, hair stiff like bristles.
You’ve forgotten the Dogible says, in Tenet 17 Verse 4:
A patch of female skin fills the [dog’s] head with rousing images.
I’m sorry dogs raped you, though, but next time, wear clothing that uncompromisingly conceals you. By uncompromising clothing, I mean hair masks, face masks, long-sleeves, flappy skirts that swallow your legs like the shark swallowed Jonah.
I emphasise: blindfold yourself. Sexy eyes drive dogs mad! Trust your mind to guide you instead. (Dogible 1:43—The true eye is the mind.)
Hide your nose too—the hair in your nostrils could harden dogs’ penises, in case you don’t know!
Look for a way to stitch your lips together, because if your voice stirs their blood, you’re gone!
—you went out at NIGHT, right?
I keep telling you: you’re a woman.
A potential mother.
A wife in the making. Not a cat scurrying at night.
A woman should always remain indoors. In fact, she should hammer multiple latches onto her door and use really blind window-blinds. There’s hardly light, and the heat at night can be searing? Woman, would you rather shove yourself into the claws of a dog lurking outside?
As for those claiming they’re raped in their houses, do you people bother asking whether they sleep or sit right?
You’re a woman, yet you lie on your back and throw your legs apart. And when you sit, you open your legs for your vagina to do the invitations.
Sit right, no.
Sleep right, no.
Tie your wraps right, no.
But when dogs invade your houses and the ‘patch of female skin’ stimulates them, you meow about being raped!
—you went to HIS HOUSE, didn’t you?
Brother Ezekiel is a childog of God. God is withholding the blood flowing into his penis.
So you were sitting on his bed, cackling so hard that your skirt slipped and revealed a large ‘patch of female skin’, and you expected him to look away. (Dogible 22:6—[as a dog] ignoring a woman served before you on a platter of gold is ultimate cowardice.)
And now, you want to call the police?
Well, I suggest you try illiterate ones who can’t read the Dogible, or the sergeant will flip to Tenet 7:22 and read:
A woman amid a crescent of dogs is offering herself as bread and wine.
—examine HOW you walk!
You these young women of nowadays.
You walk like snakes slithering through elephant grass.
You twist and curl your body like a shameplant being caressed.
You dim your eyes as if you’re threading a needle in a smoky room.
You even wag your tongues like dogs licking children’s butts.
What’s more, you smile all the time!
Let’s turn to Dogible 21:9—And the woman was smiling, and the dog forced himself on her, for smiling…is invitation.
And now, you’re ranting on Twitter?
Well, thank God your followers have seen most of your smiling pictures. Thank God they know smiling, revealing your teeth, according to the Dogible, is nudity.
—you’re an UNAPOLOGETIC feminist!
Let’s open to Dogible 20. I read from verse one:
A feminist is any woman who thinks she can tame dogs.
Here’s what we’re told in verses two and three:
Feminism is the ideology [that] women are higher than dogs/And to establish a feminiverse, all women shall have them [dogs] castrated.
What about Tenet 16:9?
Dogthren, a woman exhibits those [feminist] traits while you fold your arms? Hearken! The Lord shall gnash His teeth against you, for you have committed the greatest sin.
Granted, you can argue feminism is equity of the sexes, and not how the Dogible pictures it; but no Dogible scholar, myself included, will listen to you unless you change that to equisexism.
Dogs will be happy with you if you do. No one wants to hear anything femi- imposed on them.
Meanwhile, you can be a feminist without growling so loud about it. There is private feminism, isn’t it, the type you practise online, with an anonymous Facebook account, a silhouetted DP, a challenge-my-ideas-and-I-cut-off-your-prick bio. Simple!
By the way, how many women are still being disenfranchised?
How many women are still being bred for marriage and denied formal education?
How many women are being raped without them first provocating dogs?
Women, according to Dogible 5:77,
[are the] shoulders of the home, that is, the carrier of the head [the man].
Verse seventy-eight admonishes:
Should any [women] not gain gratification from this [being the shoulders], let her be offered to hounds on heat.
So, my dear, tone it down.
You matter, but not that much.
You were created equal, but God wasn’t high on hemp when he made fingers unequal.
Power has shifted from the physical to the intellectual, but you’d rather run to a man with bulging biceps than to a bedraggled scarecrow spluttering Shakespeare.
Girls should not be bred to exclusively anticipate marriage, but take it or leave it, marriage and motherhood were the sole reasons for their creation. (Dogible 22:9—The Lord only sanctions [girls’] thoughts about marriage.)
Women should sniff after their careers, but your children will be taught by the streets and grow up worse. (Dogible 66:7—Any mother doused in career raises orphans.)
—you RUDELY said NO!
You said no to a stray dog?
Worst of all, you rudely said so?
You scrunched your face, flailed your hands, pouted your lips, and said “NO!”, in uppercase, and an exclamation mark marched out of your mouth???
Dogible 7:7 says,
Women revolve around the whims of dogs.
If you don’t understand that, then study this excerpt from Dogadam’s magnum opus, Virility:
Serve my food now!
Please take this yelping toddler with you!
And why are you giving me that look???
Maybe you’ve forgotten I paid your bride price with my sweat.
I remember sir. Sorry sir.
Unless you want me to throw you out. I can remarry, you see, but you, once you leave here, the badge of a failed marriage sticks on you forever.
Forgive me sir. Don’t throw me out!
Don’t you see how effortlessly Dogadam paints this scene of a peaceful marriage? If you follow Woman’s example, trust me, dogs can be nice, even romantic!
—WHY are you saying it NOW?
It was raining when he broke into your house.
You were sixteen then.
You tried to shout, but the rain masked your voice.
Even after it stopped raining, years tumbling past, the rain was still masking your voice. And of course, you’d been too broken to tell anyone, and you didn’t even know how to start.
Now, because a fellow idiot is advertising her rape story to gain sympathy on Twitter, you decide it has stopped raining.
Now (that he’s successful and you’ve figured you could benefit) is the time you feel powerful enough to talk about it.
I can smell your ignorance, so I keep supporting my lesson with Dogiblical passages. Look at Tenet 3:30—
…for silence is the ultimate testament of agreement.
So, according to the Dogible, your silence means consent. Our people say if you swallow weevils, it means you chewed them first, so retching afterwards is hypocritical.
—dogs get raped TOO!
So why does your case even deserve special attention?
When a five-year old girl broke into a seventy-year old dog’s house and raped him, who bleated on Twitter?
Did you not watch the clip where university girls plunged a dildo into a dog’s butt and whacked him to silence?
You think there aren’t many undocumented stories silenced by the long-standing tradition of dog supremacy?
Or aren’t there ordinary but significant occasions such as:
i. women leering at dogs
ii. women caressing dogs’ collars
iii. women ruffling dogs’ furs
iv. women twirling dogs’ tails around their forefingers
v. women squishing dogs’ balls in the bathroom
vi. women nuzzling dogs early in the morning?
I beg to argue that the above are instances of forcible intercourse if you classify the following as forms of sexual harassment:
i. a dog leering at you
ii. a dog whirling its tongue at you
iii. a dog touching your waist
iii. a dog threatening to rape you
v. a dog peering up your breasts
vi. a dog slapping your butt.
Finally, I advise you read your Dogible always. It’s there to guide you, to teach you, to educate you, to make you a better woman.
Ask, please. I have other classes to teach.
Ola W. Halim writes fiction and reflections somewhere in Edo State, where he also teaches English Language and Literature. His major thematic concerns are mental illnesses, albinism, feminism and equity of the sexes, and the LGBT. His work has appeared on the Kalahari Review, African Writer, Dwartsonline, and elsewhere. He was a runner-up for the Sevhage Short Story Prize 2019, and shortlisted for the TCFN Teacher’s Prize for Literature. He lives mostly in his head.
One of the finest satire pieces I’ve read in a while.