774 (The T.A. Report) ― Contrary to popular belief, the harsh policies of the Nigerian government will affect most people equally–including even self-righteous Buharists and other supporters of the country’s immortal ruler.
This was revealed on Saturday in a report published by the Nigerian Research Centre on Open Secrets (NiRCOS).
“It is shocking we know, but we are used to discovering things we totally did not expect,” said the centre’s head of research Divine Odurudu while addressing journalists.
“We found out, for instance, that when the Federal Government closed borders to neighbouring West African countries, Customs officials refused to let people cross with goods even if they had APC membership cards.”
“Who would have thought?” Odurudu asked, obviously still finding it hard to process the information.
He cited other examples too: Of ruling party members in Katsina, the president’s hometown, who coughed out millions of naira in ransom to kidnappers; of four-time voters for the General who could not access COVID-19 financial palliatives despite being overqualified and having Bubu’s picture on their Twitter profiles; of hardworking trolls getting sprayed with stray bullets while innocently heading to the Buhari Media Centre office closest to them.
“The evidence was overwhelming,” the NiRCOS boss said.
“Since the Central Bank of Nigeria placed a ban on cryptocurrency transactions yesterday, we have read the letter and other documents countless times to see whether there is an exception for Buharists because, as well all know, Bubu is loyal to his loyalists. News splash! No one is exempted, not even Ogundesi.”
The think tank’s report stated that rather than make them lose confidence in Bad Boy’s government, his failings and ridiculous policies have only solidified the allegiance of Buharists to the country’s supreme leader.
According to Odurudu: “Many do not admit things are way worse now and the few who do would mouth something silly like, ‘Yes, the economy is bad and the government is killing innocent people but these are necessary steps towards taking the country to the Next Level.'”
Caveat: Note that this piece is a fictional satire aimed purely at humour. The words above are nothing but products of a drunk writer’s imagination. We hereby refuse to accept responsibility for the results of anyone’s credulity or mischief. Do not take us seriously. We repeat; do not take us serious! … On second thought though, maybe you should do just that.
