… where sa-tyres never go flat

Prize for Satire

Brain mind

Brain mind

By: Ajayi Blessing Paul


Four men are seen on stage driving a Volkswagen 1960 Model. They are pot-bellied men. Their voices are so hoarse and deep they have to clear their throats more than five times before anyone can hear them talk. They are clad in white agbada spotted with different specks of dirt, in different places. The Volkswagen is on its last legs. The heads of the men in the vehicle are cobwebbed. The vehicle is rat-infested with torn seats asides the fact that it has lost its balance, no thanks to overloading. The men are to deliver thirty-six pies to thirty-six towns.

Senator Hau: (giggles as he drives recklessly on the road full of waterlogged potholes) I inherited reckless driving from my father when he was still alive. He taught me that reckless driving makes one enjoy the speed rate of one’s car without losing concentration to pedestrians who journey the same road on their legs. Even though they need our help, we sight them not because of our reckless driving. Many of them smell. We can’t put a spoilt egg among the good ones.

Passer-by: (shouts as the car splashes muddy water on him) What kind of driver are you? You don’t even care about pedestrians trekking the same road you on which recklessly drive your car; splashing muddy water from the water-logged and potholed roads you refused to repair for us?

Senator Hau: Ahh! See the way he shouted just because my Volkswagen 1960 Model splashed some yellow beer on him. Enjoy it, poverty-infested fellow. We won’t allow you to have a bicycle, let alone a car. You will die trekking this road one day.

Chief Yor: Yes! When I take this car from you, I will drive it worse than you do now. I will not only splash muddy water but I will also hit those poor pedestrians so they can die before their time. Ahh!

Igb: Wait! Have you forgotten these same people you begged and prostrated yourself for a few months ago to have their YES before you got this vehicle?

Senator Hau: Didn’t we already pay them for their YES? These people only need a bite of the pie. In fact, you don’t have to put it in their mouth to cut it themselves; just cut a peanut size for them.

Chief Justice Ful: (brings out the thirty-six pies from his pocket. He smells them and quickly tries to swallow them all). Wow! These pies are better eaten by one person. I will be a fool if we’re to allow you deliver these pies to those they belong to. Don’t you think all these things belong to us here? People out there don’t know if the pies are theirs or not. In fact, it is not their right but a mere privilege.

(The driver parks on the road, leading to traffic jam, to join the other three men. They all start tussling to eat the pies. The pies become a messy smash, staining their white agbada, mouths and beards). 

Light Fades out

ACT ONE SCENE TWO: On the Street

Early in the morning, a man is seen on stage holding a Bible and a cross in his hands. He wears a white robe with a pair of female pants hung across his neck. He is flanked by a group of people with placards in their hands. One of the placards reads, “Pastors too are guilty of rape. Crucify him.” 

First man: (shouting) He is a true man of God oo. His calling is to anoint the private parts of his female worshippers with the oil that disgorges from the bottle within his thighs.

Second man: …also called to suck the oranges on the trees of their bosoms. That is called the holy sucking.   

First woman: He is also a good player and preyer. He plays well on their twin organs and rests his head on them every night in intercessions.  

Prophet Solo: I’m a true man of God who preaches and does the truth. Ma’am Toyin is one of my customers. She came for marital business. I was just tempted by the devil at the weak time of my ministry. Wait! Open to John 8: 1-11.

Second woman: (laughs) Oh! Ministry of Rap—ism. You were tempted at a time the spirit in you went on holidays? Man of all women, are you still quoting the Bible? You’ve been found guilty of rape. Caught outright in the name of private vigils. Justify that in your unholy Scripture. 

Prophet Solo: I was only doing the work of the Lord as directed towards her.

Second man: …the work of the Lord or your own lord?

Ma’am Toyin: He told me to pull off my pants that he wanted to anoint something on my thighs. He said once he did that I would be pregnant and have a set of triplets. I obeyed him and suddenly, he pushed me down.

Prophet Solo: She only fell under anointing!

Ma’am Toyin: What fake anointing was that? You pushed me ni (weeps).

The crowd: (starts beating him and singing along) our pro-phet has ra-ped sis-ter To-yin. He has ra–ped. He has ra–ped. He has ra–ped Chief Yor’s wife.

Light Fades out


The Prophet is seen in the dock. Chief Justice Ful is the judge to preside over the case. There is a noise in the courtroom. The clerk calls for silence at the arrival of the judge.

Clerk: Courtttt!

Barrister Lai: My client, Prophet Solo, is not guilty of any offence, my Lord. He didn’t rape her customer, Ma’am Toyin. She only came for a marital business in which my client was only taking her through the process. My client’s customer needs a child. A woman can’t have a baby while standing, my Lord. She needs to sleep. It is a practical business, my Lord.

Barrister Lailai: My Lord, Prophet Solo is guilty of the offence before him. This woman is the wife of  Chief Yor. She has no child from her marriage, yet. Prophet Solo forced himself on his customer when my client had sneaked to his place when Chief  Yor was not at home. This is a rape case, my Lord. Prophets are also guilty of the sins they preach against in their Bible. Let’s treat this case like a biblical sin, my Lord. Prophet Solo should be sentenced to hell, my Lord.

Chief Justice Ful: (soliloquies) This is the right time to punish Chief Yor. He alone wanted to eat the pies without giving us.

Having listened to the case as being presented by Barrister Lai and Barrister Lailai; this is my verdict. Ma’am Toyin is hereby separated from Chief Yor and declared as Prophet Solo’s wife. I rise!

Light fades out.

Blessing Paul Ajayi hails from Ife-North Local Government Area of Osun State. He was born on the 11th of December, 1991 in Ipetu-Modu. He attended Zacchaeus Nursery and Primary School, Ore, Ondo State, where he obtained his Primary Leaving Certificate. He obtained his O’ Level Certificate at Our Saviour College, Ore, Ondo State, in 2008. He has B.A. Education and English, Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, 2016. He published his first academic book titled “High Grade English: A Collection of 200 Incorrect and Correct English Expressions” in 2018. At present, he serves in Kebbi State, Fakai Local Government Area in the National Youth Service Corps. He is single; not married.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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