The Punocrat

By: Uzoechina Chisom Chigozie I Down the street, he lived Before the pub and opposite the parish The parish ne’er was attractive […]

We like to tell ourselves that Nigeria is a beautiful country. This is notwithstanding the deaths, kidnappings, robberies, terrorist attacks, fraud that take place almost on a daily basis. We insist on using ‘beautiful’ as though the glaring blemishes are simply beauty marks. What I particularly love about Nigeria however, is her people. They are exceptional in many ways. So if you’re interested in learning how to fully become part of a Nigerian society or you have doubts as to the kind of Nigerian society you’re already part of, you are in luck. I’m here for you.

It is a good thing that you made the wise choice of reaching out to me before embarking on your political career. You see, many a well-meaning Nigerian delved into Nigerian politics without full consultations with people who have spent years studying politricks in Nigeria – and it ended in tears for them. Thank you for contacting me, learned Olawale Godwin.

You lie alone awake on your exotic bed that is of a standard football pitch in size; that is said to be the finest from Milan, and is said to be lesser than a feather in weight when you sleep on it. But it always feels like a rock every morning you wake alone on it, especially since you mistakenly relegate your wife to the kitchen and other rooms in the village when gibbering with some of your distant friends and it gets to your her hearing. You miss her cuddling every night and wish she will forgive you in the privacy of your bedroom without demanding that you bend a knee for her in public over your unruly remark about her in public.

It is my distinct pleasure to welcome you into the world’s most prestigious and lucrative profession; The Order of Cloaks and Collars. You may recognize some of our members by their titles; Pastors, Prophets, Reverends, Bishops or for the more eccentric Worldwide Founder, Most Reverend, Senior Apostle and so on.

God comes to our house one dusty evening and tells us in a deep baritone that my father will have a car. A red car, precisely. The colour of Jesus’ blood. We say amen until we feel a scratch behind our throats. God, a lanky un-bearded bald man in a shiny white cassock, adds with the fervency of the Holy Ghost that we should expect the car in three days.

Hello there. If you are reading this, you are either a desperate Nigerian woman in need of professional advice on how to secure a man or a Nigerian man who would like to understand women and why they do what they do. For those who fall under the former category, it is expected that you discard all prior knowledge you have about getting a man seeing as it didn’t get you anywhere, no offence.

As you know, children of these days are becoming difficult to handle and our hold on them is fast declining. It has become more important for us to teach our children our ways, to show them how important it is to be god-fearing.

By: Oluwaseun Osanyinro Good day beautiful people of Niagara. Is this microphone working? Hey! Sound man! How do I defend myself and […]

God dey hear, one very commendable lifestyle in Nigeria is being your neighbours’ keeper and relatives’ caregivers. It doesn’t matter if it sits well with you, you have to religiously look out for those who are fortunate enough to know you. The beauty of this is that, when Nigeria happens to you — as it is certain it would — you get a return of your gesture in multiple folds. Beyond this, however, is the Ubuntu philosophy of life in Nigeria.