Ashewo: a guide to using the tag right in Nigeria.

If you’re a man with a penis, and you know how to use it on a woman (or you intend to use it someday), be it by sending unsolicited dick picture on the Internet to apparently more successful women (to bow to your eminence), or by just throwing it around in public places in the name of urinating, or by using your super strength to pin women down (especially strangers or stubborn wives and relatives) and penetrate them without consent, then you should stop reading this.

God has given you the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding to know your place in society, you belong to the top of the food chain and you’re never afraid to take what belongs to you.

It is those ones who call themselves Liberal men, those stubborn women who call themselves feminists, and those men who lack the spine to insult women and want to treat them as equals that God has sent me to. Those ones need to be reminded why Women are forever tagged Ashewo.

Only an Enemy of God will treat women equally.

We (Nigerians) are an advanced society of religious people. An index (whatever index means) has recently shown that Nigerians top the list of most religious and prayerful people on earth. With over 200m worshippers of Allah and Jesus, we easily beat worshippers from other countries. We are God’s own. That is why it is important that we remind our men that God has given them the power to Lord over women and they must use that power in the glorification of God.

The Bible said in Ephesians 5:22-23; “Wives, be SUBJECT to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.”

If she is a woman and she’s not subject to her husband, or under her father’s protection (at all times including at work), then she is an ashewo by default. If you call her colleague or mate (especially if she has annoyed you), then you’re committing a sin. That ashewo was born to be subject to you.

If she’s your superior, she’s an ashewo.

Women can’t be above men in any work setting whatsoever. A woman above you must’ve definitely slept with people in the office. Note I said people, because no single man can elevate a woman above other men. It has to be a lot of weak spined men. Even if he were an entry level worker, a man should always be above women. Otherwise, she’s an ashawo.

A woman who has a car, and stays on her own is a proud ashewo.

Which Alhaji bought the car for her? Who is paying her house rent? Why does she wear suit and other office apparels in the morning and come back late at night; looking exhausted. Is it a young millionaire? A UK based sponsor? A pastor? A woman can’t simply own a house or car on her own. It’s not written. It can’t happen. When she does, dear men, please call her ashewo unprovoked.

Tell your little children not to be like Aunty Sandra who lies that she works in a Bank but you never see her when you visit her branch. Tell them that she is a lying ashewo because she mentioned one day that she’s the manager of that branch and that’s why you never see her. How can a woman head anything? Isn’t head a position for people with penis alone? Sandra is an ashewo.

She can’t simply ball on her own.

When we say “all my guys are ballers”, we mean the guys in every literally masculine sense of it. The male gender is endangered by lazy women who need to depend on us for existence and we have the difficult task of handling every situation; including balling. Therefore, a woman is not expected to ball on her own. Even if she’s with a man whom she claims to be her lover (they call Alhajis lovers too), she is an ashewo. Any woman who is found balling on her own is also an ashewo.

Balling is a thing for guys, and when a woman decides she wants to ball too, then she’s an ashewo.

Leaders? Maybe women leaders.

We don’t have offices for “men leaders” on purpose. A man is expected to lead, and when he does so, he leads other men and the women. But a woman is expected to lead only women. That’s why we’ve in the goodness of our hearts created lots of women leader offices across country so that women can lead other women.

While some women have ashawo-ed their way into top offices, the peak offices like Governor (Mama Taraba, sorry o), President, and whatever is in that league is for Men alone. If and when we create a female National Assembly, they can have their own Senate President and Speaker, without fear of being removed by better men (men are always better).

If you’re arrested, better cry and call Alhaji.

They said some women were arrested days ago in Abuja and people have been carrying digital placards. So what? Those Police officers were men doing what men were made to do; dominating, and there’s nothing you can do about it weaker vessels. Take your beating in peace. Next time you’ll call an Alhaji immediately and cry like mad instead of saying you’ll bail yourself out. Who cares if you were just balling (remember this is a sin for women sef) or working at night. You’re a woman and you must comply.

Last last…

Women, you see, are very fragile creatures. They need to be protected and covered. They don’t know left from right. All they do is eat, and wash clothes, and cook, and do dishes, and iron, and complain about period, and make babies, and raise babies, all from money provided by men who work very hard to make it happen. We are supposed to be the provider, just let us do our thing. We are meant to be the protector, don’t take it from us. We are the voice of reason, don’t challenge us by being smart. These things are really simple and it’d be a better world if women would just know their place.

Knowing your place isn’t that hard is it? Any little out of place behaviour, and you’re nothing than an ashewo. Kajiko? Men, if she says you’re right at all times, allows you assert dominance, doesn’t complain (even when you beat her), and can endure long periods of torture (especially this one) for her kids (even if she doesn’t have any yet), then we may call her Iyawo or wife material instead of ashewo. But only for as long as she behaves. She misbehaves? Ashewo.