By: Marvellous Kolade Abe
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to inform you that a man called Nigeria is critically ill and dying. He is lying lifeless in earth’s intensive care unit. In fact, his grave is currently been dug in history’s timeline and the pallbearers are ready to bury him out of the history books as soon as he goes the way of all flesh.
Why is Mr Nigeria sick?
Why is he on admission in earth’s ICU?
Mr Nigeria had the best of childhood; he was indeed born with a silver spoon and he had all the potentials, talent and desire for greatness. His cells were active and hungry for elegance and fame. His friends and contemporaries were envious and jealous of his skills and abilities, his superiors were frightened at the rate at which he achieved his developmental milestones.
When people saw the boy called Nigeria, they saw a future world leader. He had no congenital defect; neither was he diagnosed with any childhood killer disease. His future was set to be indeed bright and sunny. Well, so they said.
In the incipient stages of Nigeria’s life, he had huge goals and aspirations for himself. He wanted to be like the big boys: G7, G20, member of the security council of the United Nations; he looked up to them as mentors and role models, took delight in their swagger, confidence and composure. He wanted to have control; he loved to call the shots too like they did.
Young Nigeria craved for the atmosphere, aura, air of the United States, he wanted the colour and flavour of Europe, and he was desperate for the alluring and handsome looks of Great Britain. How he ended up with the looks of an inebriated ape will be discussed shortly.
So what happened?
Why is Mr Nigeria dying in the ICU at the age of fifty-nine having achieved nothing throughout his existence despite all his childhood aspiration and potentials?
Trouble and danger began to brew on the horizon when Mr Nigeria started feeding on an inferior diet of tribalism, nepotism and religious intolerance while he was eating these things, he was heard saying ‘Na something go kill black man’. It was discovered that these diets were entirely cooked with the ingredients of ignorance, mediocrity, selfishness and self-centeredness.
Alarm bells began to ring when it was discovered that Mr Nigeria body lacked the essential vitamins of common sense, creativity, knowledge, critical thinking and innovation; there and then vitamin deficiency began to set in showing various forms of debilitating symptoms. It was said that when young Nigeria was supposed to take the vaccine for unity and strength, he fled!
Then the real trouble touched down!
Mr Nigeria’s cells mutated, giving rise to a stage IV cancer called corruption that will not respond to any surgery, radiation and chemotherapy administered by Dr. EFCC, an infamous ‘self-acclaimed’ corruption cancer specialist—how he manages to maintain his licence to practice is still a complete mystery to everyone.
Nigeria was also diagnosed with a chronic and necrotic form of terrorism which was as a result of a long-lasting infection of insecurity that defeated the antibiotic of the military forces in single combat in a well-resounding manner. Mr Nigeria’s immune system became compromised so much that his body now became a host for any kind of pernicious cell. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was when Mr Nigeria’s stem cell, which was supposed to develop into a future healthy cell, decided to metamorphose into a malignant tumour which will later be named internet fraud, popularly known as “Yahoo Yahoo”.
It was noticed during a diagnostic test that these stem cells were screaming the word ‘Benz’ as they changed form.
Due to this deadly and devastating diseases, Mr Nigeria’s systems and organs broke down. His essential systems: Educational, Health, Transport, Finance, Electoral systems all broke down, not long before his arms and organs of government followed and failed.
Now, Mr Nigeria is currently surviving on the life support from the WORLD BANK, IMF, UNICEF and WHO. The entire population of healthy cells and tissue are either leaving or dying. The prognosis is really bad and he is running out of time.
Can Mr Nigeria ever recover?
Can he ever become healthy again?
Yes, he can, if the cells of Mr Nigeria’s body agree to undergo an advanced, aggressive and radical form of immunotherapy in which they are going to be triggered, stimulated and sensitised to fight the dead cells and the chronic infection killing their host. They will have to take a stance against the marauding viruses infecting and destroying the various systems of their host. And if they decide not to, we can start preparing for the burial proceeding of Mr Nigeria who let everybody down.
Marvellous Abe is a final-year student in the College of Medicine, University of Lagos. He believes words can be carefully and beautifully crafted to change the world for better.