June 10, 2020. Buhari, perhaps too shocked to personally deliver a message to Nigerians after an attack too many by the technically defeated Boko Haram on a village in Borno’s Gubio LGA, tasked one of his oracles – Garba Shehu – to address the populace.
The message was a familiar one – in the same predictable and worthless words in the Queen’s hallowed language. Part of the release stated that the president “…is deeply shocked by the killings of tens of people…” Of course, we all know how the address ended and how the matter shall be addressed. For the benefit of doubt, here we go —
How the address ended: His Excellency is awaiting briefing from the governor of Borno and the Chief of Army Staff superintending affairs at the Coliseum that that jewel of the North-East has stooped into.
How it shall be addressed: Having being briefed on the incident, a committee shall be set up to look into the attack and make recommendations on how to prevent further attacks.
Today, I do not intend to denigrate or bring to ridicule the president of a crippled giant of a blessed continent like most satirists and unpatriotic Nigerians do. It is my sole aim to bring to light an exploit of the president that is often overlooked – a feat that by now should have found its way into the Guinness Book of World Records if Nigeria is a country that is appreciative of the efforts expended by her leaders.
To put this matter into proper perspective, I’m inclined to point out that His Most Esteemed Excellency wasn’t shocked when Nigerians brought him to power after falling short in his past seventy attempts to return to the helm of affairs — though queries were raised over his academic qualification that is so good the Nigerian Army had to save it in its museum to be used in motivating new intakes to aspire to greatness and excellence. Neither was he shocked when Nigerians forgave him and returned him to power by lawful votes cast, despite his woeful performance at the examination that was his first term.
When he assumed office in 2015, he was shocked at the scale of corruption in the country. That accounted for his ill health and his many medical tours abroad. But the strongman from Daura survived that onslaught.
Upon recovering from the attempt at his life by the prevailing scale of corruption in the country, he was electrocuted by the dismal state of the power sector. Remember, he promised Nigerians uninterrupted supply of electricity within months of assuming power. We all knew that he survived that threat too. Nigerians can testify to the improvement in the power sector that is so real it can only be seen in the pages of tabloids.
The next problem to shock him was the infernal rage of Boko Haram in the North-East. The protracted armed confrontation chased sleep away from his life until he was able to technically defeat the so-called Islamic sect that detests the notion of peace and tranquility. In the aftermath of a particular attack that claimed scores of lives, he was shocked to the extent that he could not visit the scene of the incident; his health could only afford rendezvous at the residents of the governor and the emir of Borno.
According to some moderately reliable news sources, the president has survived over a thousand and one electrocutions without journeying to the land from which there can be no return. Both hardcore and soft-core Buharists have been hailing him as the Nigerian version of the proverbial cat with multiple lives.
How many countries in Africa can boast of a leader who can ensure this many electrocutions and still defy death to tell the story of their resilience? Our problems can only be taken care of by a man who has been shocked severally but has nevertheless refused to take a bow. Is that not the Nigerian volksgeist? The invincible and indomitable spirit we are made of and renowned for all over the world.
Our president boasts of a superb, fantastic and world-class Naija-made shock absorber. Authoritative sources on technology news have it that Germany, China, Japan, USA, amongst other countries are vying to acquire the patent.
Moreover, have you given thought to the fact that Nigeria’s road to El Dorado is bumpy and extremely rough? It is imperative that we continue with a man that can withstand the shocks that await us.
Having said all these, I bear no doubt that General Muhammadu “Daddy Shock-ey” Buhari is the man to lead us to the prosperous Nigeria that we are longing for. I therefore support him to continue as our president for the duration of his life.
All hail President Daddy Shock-ey!
Inspired by Abubakar Adam Ibrahim’s article “The Paper Tiger: Nigeria’s Rising Presidential Condemnation Count.”