… where sa-tyres never go flat

Prize for Satire

A non-negligible guide to becoming a Nigerian pastor

A non-negligible guide to becoming a Nigerian pastor

By: Raphael Francis

Forget about being called, who cares? Calling ko caller ni. Don’t you know you can call yourself? After all God said in 1 Peter 2:9: But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.

FIRST, you must be ambitious. It’s very important; even the Bible says you should dream dreams. Find a befitting name for your business venture, note, Jesus must be included in the name even if it ends in INC. Something like JESUS CHRIST THE WARING CHARIOT INC, JESUS CHRIST THE STORM ENDER INC. But you still have inexhaustible options. Be creative. Make it attractive. Something like MIRACLE VILE; FAME GROUND ASSEMBLY etc.

You need to have a good command of the English language. No need to ask why, it’s an added advantage. Don’t forget to play with rhymes too, it makes your theatrics more poetic. A pseudo-Anglo-American accent would do the magic, fake it, call God “Gahd”, it’s more flowery. Mind you, you don’t need a degree to attain this. A Nigerian sheeple will bow to you with or with no degree. It’s what they do. It’s why they’re what they are.

You need to have an attractive name, yes! it’s important, don’t be a drab. If you have one long boring native name like mkpoikanke. Change it, yes! Change it to something more exotic or rhythmic like Ransom Thompson or Joshua Peter’s. If you come from a family like mine or have a domineering father that insists on keeping your birth name. Be creative, shorten it. Change it into something like this: for instance, Temitayo Balogun Joseph to TB JOSEPH. Imoh Bokime isong to IB isong.

CHOOSE your area of speciality, don’t be a jack of all trade, master one. There are inexhaustible options like:





Propagation of The Word etc.

Choose prosperity gospel; the Nigerian sheeple are gullible enough to buy into your deception. They just want to get rich overnight because the Nigerian God blesses people who don’t work hard.

Note: Your prosperity gospel must go hand in hand with miracles and prophesies, stop asking how. Stage something. Get a brother on a wheelchair. Make him stand. Make sure he’s a good actor. Or a sister to testify with a doctor’s report about a fibroid that disappeared instantly when you laid hands on her. They will believe you; who questions a doctor’s report these days anyway?

Now you’re ready for the main business. Get a hall, a canopy. Come on be lucrative. Start something. Start off in a primary school. A seven days power pack encounter with the lord will do the magic. Don’t be discouraged if the turnout is not much, haba! Take it easy, Rome was not built in a day, have faith the Nigerian god is faithful, He will bless your Hustle. During the second day of the crusade, you’ve to be dramatic if your sheeple must follow you, must I tell you that? You should know that seeing is believing. Perform wonders, work miracles, give them something to take home. The incredulous your performance, the larger your congregation.

Sell something; your sheeple needs something blessed by their Papa: a talismanic object like stickers that would ward away evil spirit and also serve as accident proof when placed on their vehicles. Sell to them table waters, but give it exotic names like WATER FROM THE SPRING OF THE SPIRIT, tell them it will cure all kind of ailments, AIDS and cancer inclusive.

Then on the last day of the crusade just sit down and listen to testimonies, you will be amazed at what the Nigerian god can do.

Don’t be surprised when you hear that the mere placement of your sticker on a spoilt refrigerator brought it back to life. Or just adding a little drop of your holy water made two cups of rice turn four. This is just the beginning, you haven’t even seen any gullibility yet.

You have many choices now, either lease a hall or start building one. The ministry must move to the permanent site, that’s why seed sowing and tithing should be your anchor point. Back it up with Malachi 3:8-10, there’s also Leviticus 27: 30-32; Even Acts 4:34-35. But you must be careful, there are some parts in Acts 4:34-35 you shouldn’t read to them especially verse 35, that part that says and distribution was made unto every man according as he had need‘. Don’t worry, they won’t bother to check, after all if you want to hid something from a black man (Nigerians) put it in a book. Moreover, they believe everything Papa says.

Now you must marry, it’s always glorious to stand with your wife in front of the church poster smiling honorably with the title ‘Pastor and Pastor Mrs’ then under it boldly written ‘HOST’ or ‘FOUNDER’. Moreover, your sheeple needs a mummy figure.

By now, you should have a church App where your sheeple can pay their tithe, offerings, and make donations electronically at the comfort of their homes. It’s very important, don’t forget. Go national, establish a branch, get televised, a daily, weekly or monthly devotional is a necessity, have one.

Begin acting like a deputy God, but don’t overdo. The Nigerian god is a jealous type, he might make your church collapse and you know what that means. Give countless prophesies especially about one political figure or party overthrowing the other come next election. Then sit back and watch politicians run to you for prayers with bag of money. No need to use Bible now, we’re in a digitalised world, get an iPad.

You need to compete with your contemporaries, increase your auditorium to a million capacity, outshine them. Own a university, the Nigerian god will tell you a befitting fee to be paid, if anybody opposes you, use your authority as a deputy god and lay curses on them. Don’t forget you need a private jet, it’s your gateway ticket to get listed on Forbes. Get one.

Then seat back with your potbelly and regale yourself to the doings of the Nigerian God.

Raphael Francis is a reader and an admirer of Chibundu Onuzo’s writings. He’s a Cristiano Ronaldo lover and thinks that Afang soup is underrated. He also prays Arsenal wins a trophy before he dies.

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The only thing you need to know about me is I speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ―― well, except when writing.

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Marvellous Kolade Abe
Marvellous Kolade Abe
4 years ago

Good one ??

4 years ago

He doesn’t disappoint

2 years ago

Talents every where… Well articulated ✊?

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