Nigeria’s many good news: A brief commentary
Irrespective of the past and recent events in the country, I vehemently believe that our friends abroad and Nigerians in diaspora are still desiring to be in Nigeria. Some may not be bold enough to say this but I know their minds. They miss a whole lot. The dramas, the tears, thrilling headlines, and many more a government could offer it citizens.
How do we appease the general?
With the situation of things, the general needs to be appeased with six kegs of palm oil and an unblemished female dog, with fresh palm wine.
The Maize Revolution
A hungry man is an angry man, but you’ll find a man angrier when the food he’s offered brings dissatisfaction rather than the opposite. The consumption industry is fast catching up with the construction industry in terms of utilising gravel as a raw material.
A quick comment on Lai’s linking of insecurity to 1975 coup
Yet some people would go ahead to heap blames on Buhari. Yet some would even count him incompetent without knowing the spiritual effect of what happened in 1975. Please join me as we put all the blame of this regime’s failure on the coup.
Nigeria, a safe haven for you
If bandits could kill these ones, it doesn’t mean there is insecurity in Nigeria. Believe me. I tell you the truth. These common bandits are only trying Buhari’s patience. See, that he is long-suffering doesn’t make him a coward o! He will fight o! He will crush them all o! He still has his military uniform o!
How Nigerians keep sabotaging themselves
Recently, news broke out that the Nigerian Hair Force “allegedly” killed over 20 Nigerian Harmy personnel by airstrike. It is important to note that no one is above mistake, moreover the news has to be properly investigated before we state whether it is true or not.
Nigerian cows to get CIN
It was proposed by the lawmakers present that these cows be issued Cow identification Numbers (CINs) in similitude to the National Identification Number (NIN) already being issued to natural persons in the country.
Job advert: Kidnappers wanted. No experience? No problem.
One thing that stands our company out from the rest is our Corporate Social Responsibility and gender-sensitive policies. We do not low-ranking members to engage in sexual violence. We do not collect ransom for unborn babies and only charge for the pregnant mothers.
10 latent positives of enlisting 50m youth in the military
Three, it saves unnecessary cost incurrence from buying sophisticated military arsenal. We won’t need to be wasting money on purchasing up-to-date weapons for our soldiers since there will be more than enough human beings to serve as cannon fodder.
Exclusive: The true story of how greedy capitalists killed Jesus because “he was bad for business”
Pontius Teenubew’s small frame competes with the dust he is gathering as he completes his passionate address to the Council of the Rich, “I can’t sell wine easily, because nobody wants my wine when Jesus can turn water to wine. Mazi Jonathan can’t sell his fishes, because this Jesus can multiply them. Look at Healer Adamu, nobody wants to see him when they can wait for Jesus. If we don’t end Jesus now, he will end us!!!”
Nigerian man paid to fix local hospitals again runs abroad to treat himself
Nigeria’s highest-paid civil servant, Mohd Boo-Harry alias Bad Boy alias Kilokanmi (What is My Business?) alias E Choke (?), has again dipped hands into his employers’ purse for a “medical check-up” in London even after being handsomely paid to upgrade the country’s health facilities.
Obituary: Nigeria, where preventable deaths are cast in stone
From Jalingo, he was transferred to a Specialist Hospital in Gombe where experts waited to remedy his health issue. But first, he had to travel on the infrastructural perfection that is the Jalingo-Numan-Gombe road. The comfort and joy that the bumps, potholes and debris on the elegant road offered him was a taste of what lies beyond this world.
Exclusive: You-High to give up on virtual learning
Information reaching our quarters has it that You-High, the Ibadan-based university, will give up on its virtual learning programme, owing to repeated trails and errors that have failed to sustain academic activities.
Nigeria to set up insurance scheme for kidnap victims
“Think about it for a moment,” said the country’s defence minister Babachir Magaji during a press briefing on Monday. “We have to be prepared. Getting kidnapped is not a matter of ‘if’ anymore, it is about ‘when’. And it is not something that affects just one social class or ethnic group. Everybody is eating the breakfast.”
How to live in Africa as an African
Copycatting is an endemic feature of an African who lives in Africa. And when you engage yourself with this African style of inauthenticity, let it be the western style that you will copy. Forget the west humiliated us with colonialism and some of them said “Africans cannot think” and forget that that means we don’t have our own pre-existing ways of doing things before they discovered Africa.
How to show you are a genius in Nigerian varsities
1. Do not keep your clothes smart to your body: You see, ironing clothes, starching them or putting necessary gators on your shirts/trousers are time wasters and, trust me, you wouldn’t want to waste your precious time on things that wouldn’t showcase the level of your erudition.
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