In a turn of events that has left analysts and foreign policy experts bedazzled, a series of social media posts by a Nigerian netizen has somehow restored world peace.
The netizen, identified as Chinonye “Joy” Akabuike, is better known online as “Joyeux babe 🌸🌹🎀”, a self-described Lagos baddie. According to findings by this reporter, it all started a few days ago when Joy commented, “Impossible. This can’t be happening” on a news article released by Independent ReporterZ. The event, the destruction of a multi-storey building in Palestine following an Israeli airstrike, immediately unhappened. This caused concern and backlash for the news outlet, which reported the event with video evidence, only to see the building standing perfectly okay. Even the people who died in the attack were surprised to find themselves alive and well.
Joy would later go on her social media profiles to consecutively tweet “#Free Palestine #LetThereBePeace #NetanyahooShameOnYou,” attaching a picture of herself before going to bed that day. And as fate would have it, by morning the next day, a peace deal was struck in the Palestinian peninsula with the Israeli military apologising profusely as they withdrew back into their own nation. Sources in Jerusalem further confirmed that there was indeed shame on the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahoo.
Over the next few days, everything Joy posted with a picture of her face happened. With the phenomenon now termed “Joynomenon” gaining traction and close following, leaders of major world powers moved to make adjustments in their foreign policy objectives. Putin immediately ordered the withdrawal of Russian forces from Ukraine before Joy could tweet about him. But the duo of Macron and Trump were not so lucky as Joy posted that Macron should “#ReleaseReparations #FreeTheSlaves,” leading to the sudden emancipation of slaves that apparently still existed and releasing reparations to all countries in the world. President Trump was, however, unaffected when Joy called him a fool. Sources within the White House confirm that his behaviour is as usual.
International reaction
The United Nations, in a statement yesterday, confirmed that the Joynomenon has brought great peace to the planet, adding that it was tired of sending strongly worded emails to countries in conflict. According to the UN spokesperson, there is a proposal before the UN Security Council to adopt Joynomenon as a method of conflict resolution going forward.
However, some countries and other international human rights organisations have raised concerns about free will and the principle of non-interference. According to the ambassador of a country in the Middle East, “While peace is beautiful, it is important to let the countries involved resolve their own issues. You can’t just pick up your phone, tweet and interrupt an issue without understanding the full context.”
Others expressed vexation at the idea of carefully thought-out foreign policy and numerous summits being replaced by a hashtag and a selfie.
Reactions within Nigeria
Meanwhile, in Joy’s own country, Nigeria, there is a mixture of awe and scepticism concerning her newfound abilities. There has been even more awe as Asian popstar, Lim Fao, flew into Nigeria after Joy commented “Be mine” under his Instagram post. She personally confirmed to this reporter that they would soon be getting married.
She further noted that following her new abilities, several Nigerian entrepreneurs immediately launched counterfeit Joy Miracle Soaps and Joyeux Lotions, claiming that a single bath could reduce fuel prices and repair potholes. According to her, this is affecting sales on her trademarked brand, and she is considering taking legal action.
Sources close to the President, Senate President, Speaker of the House of Representatives, Chairman of the ruling party, as well as major political office holders across the national and all state levels have expressed relief that Joy didn’t type “The Senate President is a mad man” or “I hope Tinubu dies” like she normally does every other week. Given the concrete possibility that she could still do it, and that whatever she posts all over her social media immediately happens, these officials are nervous and apprehensive about what their fate would be.
When asked about this, Joy confirmed that she rarely posts about Nigeria, as doing so doesn’t get her as much engagement as she’d like. However, as of press time, the Federal Government was reportedly negotiating a strategic partnership with Joy and had offered her a ministerial appointment. It is said that the chairman of the ruling party is the driving force behind this decision.
“This is so that no party can claim an unfair advantage in the upcoming elections,” a source close to the matter noted.
Experts speak
Astrologists and theological experts have struggled to find an explanation for Joy’s condition. Professor Timber, a respected theologian within the Vatican, found it unholy. “Things like these were easily resolved by burning at the stake. But now we have to examine it closely,” he said.
A chat with an astrologist on Astrology.net, offered a nuanced explanation when she described Joy as tapping into peak female energy—the Nirvana. Celestina Moonwater attributed the phenomenon to what she called a “rare hyper-alignment of Mercury, Jupiter and pure feminine energy.”
“I think it’s going to be like that for a while yet. And she’s going to keep getting powerful. I think the stars want her to be the Neo of this Matrix, the messiah of our problems,” she said.
This was perhaps confirmed today when Joy tweeted “Good morning, Nigeria,” causing bandits to turn themselves in en masse and the country’s GDP to increase by 50%. The federal government has since pleaded with her not to tweet “Good night” until they understand the implications.
Oluwagbenga Kolawole loves reading, writing and satirising political and social issues. When he’s not doing that, he’s blowing bubbles and fighting crime. He writes from Abeokuta, Nigeria.
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