Why we cannot #EndSARS

By: Ibrahim Williams

I want you all to know one thing for sure. You can never please everyone in life.

For a couple of days now social media has been buzzing with rants, cries and clamours. And the streets have been steaming with continuous protest all across the nation. For what reason? The youngsters want an end to SARS.

Isn’t it a shame, that the young citizens of this country have always failed to recognize and appreciate the tedious work we’ve been doing in the presidency and the police flush? Fine, we know we are the type of leaders that ignore our burning homes to quench the spark at other people’s houses. Fine, we know we love to show our concern for Donald Trump when he contracts Covik-19 than say a word to the growing virus of insecurities in our country. Fine, we know we keep quiet when you young people cry, bleed and die every day. But does that make us bad leaders? Are you not aware that every blessed day, we pray for you? And that we always have you in our minds? Why then have you decided to profess such abomination as #EndSARS? Why so ungrateful?

See ehn, there are a lot of things we adults see that if you were to climb Aso rock you wouldn’t be able to get a glimpse of. It brings sadness to our hearts when you guys speak of SARS as if they are a menace. This is a unit that is about 20 years old. We founded and funded it to kill to keep your lives and properties safe from usurpers and invaders. We spent a large sum of money on training our men with state-of-the-art facilities. We spent a lot of resources ensuring we recruited the best men for the job. If not why do you think we made it a requirement that to be a SARS officer you must be an ex-convict?* Is it not to better protect you? Why then do you want us to end it, ehn?

Now to the issues you guys are shouting about. I heard some of you said officers of SARS stop and search you indiscriminately. Ehn ehn? And so what? Don’t you know they are trying to ensure you didn’t forget anything at home? In essence, when they say:

‘Where’s your phone?’ — They only want to ensure you didn’t forget it at home.

‘Unlock your phone.’ — They only want to ensure you remember your password.

‘How much is your account?’ — They only want to ensure you are aware of your bank balance.

‘How come you’re driving a car?’ — They only want to ensure you’re not allowing the luxury of driving get in your way of fitness.

‘You’re using an iPhone?’ — They are only curious about why you prefer IOS to Android.

And so on. That’s all. Nothing more.

The sad thing is just that you youngsters read too many meanings to little things. Take, for instance, those guys that were killed by some SARS officers, do you know whether they tried to kill the SARS officers by pushing them? Do you know whether those guys that died had chased the SARS officers in their sleep with a machete and threatened to kill them? Tell me, if someone chased you to death in your dream and you saw him in real life, what would you do? Would you wait till your dream came true? That’s even on the one hand. On the other hand, how many people have SARS officers killed sef? How many? I bet they’ve only killed less than 30 people. So why so much fuss?

At this juncture, I think it’s important I speak on behalf of the presidency and the police flush, because after we ate chicken peri-peri five days ago, they got infected with oral infection and so cannot talk. You see, we cannot end SARS. We just can’t afford to. They have helped the nation, among other things, to recover ehm what’s his name o…that was kidnapped at ehm…what’s the name of this place o? Yes. That and many similar cases of robbery, kidnapping and fraud. If you ask me, I’d tell you we can’t #endSARS for five reasons.

1. Because we need to keep our officers active by affording them opportunities to practice their training on harassment, sporadic arbitrary shooting, extortion, manipulation, rape, robbery, intimidation, abuse of human rights and so on. After all, it’s an age-long mantra that ‘practice makes perfect’.

2. Because the youths need to understand the importance of giving and sharing. Our officers are out there to teach the Nigerian youngsters on being thy neighbor’s keeper and feeder. I mean if you can afford to look good, you should lend a hand to an officer standing under the sun all day all week.

3. Because we need to instill fear in the youths. Fear is good for a youngster’s heart. Believe me. It helps in stabilizing the heartbeat and in turn, the right flow of blood through the veins. It helps in increasing creativity and innovation. It helps in forestalling acute pneumonia and depression and so on. It is for these reasons that we believe having something to fear daily will keep our youths healthier and happier.

4. Because we need to keep the entire police force relevant and popular. Close your eyes and imagine this. Nigeria without potbellied men and women in black standing by the roadside lazily, their eyes sunken and starved, their guns slung/held like an inferno waiting to burst? What kind of Nigeria is that! We believe the Nigerian Police Flush is an integral thread in the fabric of our nation and the SARS operatives are the active enforcer of NPF’s good image.

5. Finally, we cannot #EndSARS because that would mean safety and comfort for the youths. No responsible government provides that. No one ever needs to feel safe and comfortable. Safety and comfort are injurious to self and national development because as humans, we can only grow when we are out of our comfort zone.

On a parting note, I want you all to know that we the government of our dear country are ever aware of your plight. We hear you when you wail. It’s just that your clamour has come at a time where there are more pressing issues to handle like finalizing the Hate Speech Bill, and ensuring the ozza room is free from cobwebs and dust.

*Editor’s note: Kindly note that this claim has not been verified.