The ever considerate and benevolent President Muhammadu Buhari has sought and obtained a warrant to detain Revolution exponent and Sahara Reporters chief executive, Omoyele Sowore, for 45 days in the first instance. Before fellow revolutionaries start shouting a luta continua; victoria ascerta, let it be known that Sowore is detained for his own good.

We should be grateful that Buhari is a converted democrat. In 1984, General Buhari would have drafted an overnight decree exclusively for Sowore’s brand of sedition and backdated it before throwing him into Kirikiri or Gasua. Anyone disagreeing with such Supreme Military wisdom could have been fixed. I am not saying that the 9th Sinnate of failed rulers would have denied their political grandfather a wish for accelerated hearing of a bill to that effect, but there are judges willing to do democrat Buhari’s bidding.

Our hard-working Irrational Assembly is on a well-deserved recess, having screened 43 ministers in waiting. They are pretty tired that they need the break. It was not until my gym instructor asked me to raise and drop my arms ten times that I realized how tedious it is to clear a ministerial list in record time while distributing committee leadership. It takes 34 muscles to lift an arm, imagine the number of times (Dr.) Lawan dropped the gavel before the deed was done. These loyal legislators need more pay.

People berate the condition known as ‘bow and go’. But it takes about 100 muscles to make sounds. Animation students know how hard it is to make pictures move. Let us pray that our indolent politricians return with sufficient energy to deliver Nẹs Lẹbù.

Sowore and his fellow revolutionaries may not understand how lucky they are to be so benevolently detained. It is unsafe walking lawfully around Naija. Such natural actions happen after binding and losing. Buhari is a saviour. He has saved Sowore from sudden death. People in the habroad think that America is safe. Sowore’s DSS detention saved him from being the target of two deranged Americans who went on the rampage in El Paso and Dayton, killing 22 human beings. Yes, Sowore operates from New York City, he could have been shopping at Walmart last weekend. Let us thank Sai Baba for taking his freedom but sparing his life. Nobody ever got killed in El Paso who was in DSS detention; kí a má rí!

Habroad people slave for dollars, binge on burgers only to buy tickets to visit home to say life is valued in America. We knew what happened to Trayvon Martin. Although America is not at war, this year alone there have been nearly 300 mass shootings in Trumpcountry leading to as many deaths. They count it with gusto. We don’t count our misfortunes here. That would have made the witches happy and scare willing investors.

If Naija people know how dangerous it is to live in the habroad, they’ll never queue at any foreign embassy for a visa to sudden death when it is cheaper to die and be buried at home. Dying in the habroad is a luxury reserved for those with the capacity to return home stowed in an ornamented box stowed in the belly of a plane.

Our Ministry of Funny Affairs should issue a travel advisory to all patriots who have heeded General Buhari’s charge to Andrew not to check out but to ‘stay here and salvage it together.’ It would read like the fake one circulating on social media with little amendments.

In view of the unsavoury incidents in Europe and the Americas; the proactive government of General Buhari, ever conscious of its duty to bury its citizens home and abroad, issues this travel advisory.

That anybody who chooses to travel to any part of Europe or Trumpcountry do so at their own risk. There are high risks of being mauled on the streets of New York, shot in El Paso or gunned down in Dayton. Gun-loving Trumpians like Naija herdsmen are very likely to pull the trigger without provocation but there are more guns in America than there are people. Trump’s nuclear arsenal is enough to blow up the world five times and nobody is sure if in a moment of sheer delirium he would not press the button believing that white people are immune to nukes just because they made it.

You are warned that going to Europe is not a good idea seeing that Britain, the Queen’s land has been locked in a battle to opt out. Europeans caused two world wars and they could do it again when Britain exits.

By the way, why leave Naija where death is cheap, at homes, on the road, in the streets and everywhere and cemeteries are fresh and yearning to go and die in the habroad? Stay home and die here. Those who flagrantly discountenance this travel advisory are warned that no planes would be dispatched for their evacuation. The one that Buhari’s minister launched is a mere horse on paper; it does not fly.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed.


This piece was first published by Daily Trust on August 11, 2019.

Tunde Asaju, a cousin of Pius Adesanmi, is a multi-lingual award-winning international journalist based in Ottawa. He was head, press and public affairs at the British High Commission, Abuja for years. He was a producer with the BBC World Service.

You can watch his tribute to Adesanmi, titled “Death, Be Not Proud”, here.