… where sa-tyres never go flat

Unseriously Serious

What an honest ad for Loom really looks like

What an honest ad for Loom really looks like

{‘Am I a yahoo boy?’ by Naira Marley plays softly in the background… Maga to sanwo mi se/Karin wa ko ma daru (ibile)/Yahoo yahoo/K’oloun ma je ka damu/Maga to fun mi lowo steady se/Karin wa ko ma daru/…Oya eyan abracadabra/Iyen aburo nakamora eh eh/Eni to wa laye yi ti o se Oloun se elo wa wa.}

Do you want to make money you didn’t work for?

Are you afraid of starting a small or medium scale enterprise with your savings but really need it to multiply, and multiply fast?

Are you tired of investing in such boring things as retail, real estate, or anything real at all that may take months, or even years, before putting extra money in your thirsty pockets?

Then, guy, there is no time to waste. This golden opportunity is made just. For. You!

Do you like the idea of doubling or tripling your money without having to steal fairly used female underwear or pay consultancy fee to some grey-haired herbalist? Awesome! With Loom, you even get to quadruple your cash wait, it gets better, in two fvcking places! Yes. You heard that right. Multiply your money by one, two, three, four, five, six, seven … eight!!! That is exactly what you get.

Invest ₦1000 and get ₦8000! Invest ₦2000 and get ₦16000! Invest ₦13000 and get a whopping ₦104000. Even NairaBet is learning, beside this brilliant scheme.

Hurry now! Join the fastest Loom cashing out group. Click this link to secure your spot on the queue: https://chat.whatsapp.com/i23amgya419wfraudsterNc. Trust us, it is an (almost) endless cycle of massive wealth creation.

Loom in Nigeria has 4 levels: Purple, Blue, Orange, and then Red, for the member at the centre. Though this colour signifies looming danger for the (late-)coming loomers, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

But wait, there’s more! Joining even comes with the bonus of making it look like you have a real job as you try to get others in the loop, though you may sound like a complete idiot to some of your friends. Splendid, right?

We are afraid money back is not guaranteed.

Our financial analysts have assured there is a 67 percent likelihood of cashing out within the first six months.

However, previous studies have also shown that inability to cash out may lead to dizziness, poor appetite, rapid weight loss, fever, depression, among 451 other symptoms. Should any of these side effects persist after three days, we recommend you see a doctor (if you still have some money left).

We may look like a ponzi scheme, talk like a ponzi scheme, operate like a ponzi scheme, but don’t be fooled… we are indeed a ponzi scheme. No scheme is as good as one where scammers scam fellow scammers, ain’t that right folks?

Join our network today and cash out before it’s too late… er, or before you become wise enough to actually invest your money.

Offer valid while stocks last!

(Okay, okay… Just kidding. There are no stocks. Our marketing strategist, whom we paid lots of money — from generous loomers — forced us to chip that in.)

Yours sincerely,

Derek Smiling-Tuzabank Loom.

Loom! … it may look like magic, but it’s just plain ol’ scam.

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I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

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4 years ago

This is really good. The language, puns, euphemism and the satires used here are just apt and wonderful. I love this piece.

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