By: Ibrahim Williams
May dissension never blossom in our hearts. Amen.
My dearest friends and countrymen, words have reached me that a lot of you are planning to support a mass rally against we the politicos and messiahs of our beloved country. Haba! Is this right for us? Aren’t you aware that there are a lot of good plans we have in store for you? Ahn Ahn! Instead of you to walk down to our offices or call our phones, which we always answer as soon as they ring, you are…you are busy cooking up revolutions here and there. It is wrong, ehn. It is wrong. Anyway, since it’s our country’s IN-dependence day, I think it’s high time I revealed some of our plans to you.
1. To give Boko Haram a country of their own
I’m sure this doesn’t sound strange to you. Of course, it shouldn’t! We are all aware of the menace of this maniacal group of innocent God-loving criminals who lie and pretend to kill in His name rather than the name of their original god. Well, we, alongside Lieutenant General Two-Kor Luratai mapped out a geographic plan. We shall give unto Cesar what Cesar wants, and keep for Nigerians what is left. I don’t want to go about justifying this right decision. I just want you all to know that this is an ongoing plan. It might, however, hasten up following the repeated attacks on Gov. Gana Zoomloom of Bornu state.
2. To wreck start-up businesses and SMEs
Indeed, extreme situations require extreme measures. This is why we have in our proposed blueprint, the pressing need to run-down small business. Pay attention now. You see, we evaluated the damage the pandemic caused Nigeria, and believe me, it was ocean-deep. This damage, we noticed, was most pronounced on start-ups and SMEs. It for this reason that we felt the need to separate the wheat from the chaff. But we are not wicked people. Believe me. We also plan to give the small and medium businesses the chance to take their own decision. On our part, we plan to make life miserable for them by enforcing regulations and extortionate dues. On their part, they can either choose to obey and pay or close down their business. This, we believe, is best for our ailing economy.
3. To invest in other countries
You see in this life, if one keeps facing one direction, one will always only see one thing. Nigeria has faced one direction since 1914. And it is time to change that. We plan to turn our national eyes toward other countries. Our own problems are old enough to fend for themselves now. As the eldest brother of all African countries, we shall strive for peace in Mali and forget our North-East states and Southern Kaduna. We shall promote trade links between Nigeria and Niger, and ignore our ineffective railroad trade lines in the West and the East of the country. Let’s face it, what do we need railways for in Nigeria, after all? We shall continue to promise the African Union our unflinching support to contribute to this country and that, while we ignore our Aso-rock size of debts. Remember, the bible said, “Love your neighbour more than yourself.”
4. To recruit more sacrificial lambs for the Nigerian Army
You must have heard when we informed Nigerians about our ongoing recruitment into the army. Well, that I must say is one of our plans to reduce unemployment and maybe our overpopulation too. In the past 10 years of our battle with insurgency and banditry, all around the country, Nigeria has lost many men in the front line. Therefore, as a responsible government, we are willing and ready to lose more men until victoria is ascerta!
We believe there is strength in huge numbers irrespective of the fatal potency of our enemy’s collection of the latest arsenal. We believe the battle cry of a thousand men is strong enough to hush the ordnance weapons used by these insurgents. If we didn’t believe this, would this nonsense bespoke Boko Haram not have killed Governor Zoomloom in their last attack? And the one before that one? And the one before that? You see? Besides, we need more deaths. More deaths mean more military burials. More military burials mean more cash … I’m sure you understand.
5. To increase the dosage of suffering the masses enjoy
As a compassionate and generous politico and ruling elite, we have compiled a list of ways to enrich the suffering of our beloved masses. My friends and countrymen, you’d agree with me when I say God created some of us with many and many others with little. It is this same God, you’d agree, that encouraged those He gave many to give those with little. For this reason, we have decided to give more to the masses. We plan to give them more reasons to lament, cry, and maybe … kick the bucket.
We plan to increase the amount of levies, fines, electricity bills, fuel, custom charge, clearance charge, export and import charge, land use charge, VAT, income tax, capital gain tax, education tax, lease agreement tax, mortgage tax, dividends tax, royalty tax, building and construction tax, breathing tax, citizenship tax, walking tax, sweating tax, eating tax, laughing tax, crying tax, toilet tax, copulation tax, breathing tax and even suffering tax. Please do not be awestruck! We made our findings prior. We found out that suffering is good for Nigerians, and it helps the masses avoid TB, obesity, HBP, cancer, Covid-19 and other rich men disease.
At this juncture, my dear friends and countrymen, do you still think we don’t have your best interests at heart? Why the proposed protest then? Ehn?