Vacancy! Vacancy! Vacancy!

by: Akuboh Benjamin Mopa

The ‘Duke of Daura’ would be vacating Aso Rock next year and the country is set to have a new leader. Do you have what it takes? Find out below;

JOB SPECIFICATION

 Are you between the ages of 65 and 99?

What our elders can see sitting down we would never see even climbing the Iroko tree. So please, if you have not made the transition from Iroko tree to rocking chair, don’t apply – let your elders with experience handle things till then

Do you have selective memory?

The medical term is amnesia. Although, naturally, amnesia is bound to happen to those in the age bracket specified above but God forbid our future president to suffer from a disease. So, the term is selective memory. You will need this vital skill when it is time to forget all the juicy promises you made during your campaigns. 

Have you spent more than 50 years paying your dues for the service of our great nation?

Being a former army general or politician would be nice. A long-serving civil servant can also apply

You better not have a clean official record because those are for individuals who have not made great sacrifices. The great among us must also be controversial.

Do you belong to a religion? 

You better not be a pagan, atheist, freethinker or whatever nonsensical terms humans use to deny the obvious existence of God. Yes we know you are a closet christian or a Muslim who drinks the finest bourbon in private but as far as you are regularly seen at the mosque or church that would do. This would be handy for when you would start making anonymous donations to these places of worship

Are you married?  

If you’ve never had to take care of a spouse or children you don’t need to bother applying. We cannot leave the future of our great nation in the hands of one who has not even managed a family before. 

Speaking of wife, we would like to know if you are a feminist. You should of course make promises of equality during campaigns and allocate a few key positions to women. But you better not really be a feminist. Do not be disobedient to God, he made you leader and protector of the home. Feminism is for advanced societies we don’t need that here.

What is your educational background?

Where is your primary school leaving certificate? Since you probably finished primary school in the early sixties there is a high chance you lost your certificate. Better rectify that before applying we don’t want to call those without certificates as certified to rule us. If you have further education that is a bonus but a Primary school leaving certificate would do.

Do you know how to communicate with the people?

You don’t need to be a good writer. In fact we don’t care if you are. You better have a team that will articulate your thoughts. Any individual speech written or letter addressed to the nation without proofreading is probably too error-ridden or even worse-truthful. So be humble and let your media team sort it out. Don’t worry about the rumors you have heard about politicians being capable liars. The lies will be drafted for you.

Who is your godfather?

Some have God, others are fortunate enough to have both God and fathers. But a politician has godfathers. People who like their names suggest can provide for your needs both as father and as God. It is not news that progress in politics is damn near impossible without one. 

If you don’t have one it is too late for now, find one before the 2027 elections.

JOB DESCRIPTION 

Now that you have seen the required qualities we expect you to possess let us explain what your job looks like;

OPPOSING THE OPPOSITION 

If you are thinking you need to have an up-to-date curriculum vitae (CV) to apply then you need not worry. This job is focused simply on how many problems you can point out from the previous administration or from your opposing political parties.  How badly have they done? How many trillions did they waste? How many months did they keep students in higher institutions at home? How many villages were pillaged by bandits? How much worse now is the dollar-to-naira ratio  during their tenure?

Just arm yourself with the answers to all these questions and you are on your way to acing your interview. 

DENYING YOUR OWN FAILURES

We admonished you to not have a clean record if you want to contest although this record will be brought up there is no need to fret. There will be few questions about how you plan to do your job effectively. Just tell them them how you plan to correct all the mistakes and especially those of the previous government and you are good to go. Asides the occasional interviews you would be appearing for on television (which to be honest will not mean much), you would need to prepare for your campaign tour around the country. You would need loads of your own money or tons of rich sponsors to be able to purchase the mammoth crowds that would ‘press the necks’ of your enemies. The correct term is fellow presidential candidates but no! They are your enemies. This is simply the art of war!

BEING DIPLOMATIC

A Nigerian president must be diplomatic. By diplomatic we mean showing up for every gathering of world leaders. You must attend these meetings for two reasons; first to show the world you are not dead and secondly to beg other countries. You are either begging them for money or begging them to forgive you for the money you already owe but you must be ready to beg. That is the true meaning of diplomacy for this job. 

IGNORING THE PEOPLE 

There would be those genuinely concerned citizens who would make the disrespectful mistake of criticizing your government. Please you are not to engage them. Who are they to talk to a whole Grand Commander of the Federal Republic like that? You are to immediately dismiss them as wailers or members of the opposing party but you must never listen to them. A weak president does that and you do not want to be a weak president. 

The specific details will be communicated to you upon your election but for now this is all you need to know. Apply for this post today and earn your shot at taking our great nation from bottom to top. Good luck!