by: Badmus Sheriff Oluwakunmi

Dear Folu,

Congratulations on your application.

Mirage. Our marriage shall be the utmost depiction of our sustained affection. For better and for worse, for death or the cross. 

My dear, I learnt about the financial stress of post-marital celebrations. If you could remember Agu’s wedding, the partying was as though he was more than an N-power retiree. I suppose he saved his stipends for all the years he had in service to throw such a party. I wouldn’t be surprised if the EFCC goes after him in the coming days. Why would you spend so much when you work under the government?

I heard you applied for the Batch C N-power initiative. I couldn’t hide my joy when I learnt this. I was first thinking of throwing a mini party for this breakthrough. Later, I thought it would be foolish of me if I started to incur pre-wedding costs on your loving and hardworking behalf. I wouldn’t then have the moral stand to write this article and our plans to launch our love to the “next level” may crash. Rather, I thank God for beginning to answer my prayers. If you remember, you keep avoiding my parents because you’ve been jobless. 

My father is very inquisitive and intelligent, among my aim in writing this letter is how we would think hard and beat the old savvy. Papa would never hand me over to you if he hears that you would be jobless again in 1-2 years. He would frown at my senses. 

When he asks you about what you do for a living, please think big- tell him that you are expecting orders to resume work from the Ministry of Humanitarian Affairs, Disaster Management and Social Development. He would quiz you for your role in your chosen Ministry, please spread your gospel with a level of sense- kindly tell him that you’d be a Disaster Manager and a Social Developer with a focus on deconstructing, reconstructing and restructuring the brains and minds of kids in government-owned schools.

With your grammar, I believe he should be convinced and distracted that you’re one of the many Nigerian adults failed by the Nation and in true terms, your future is not bleak; it’s only being conversed for the nearest future. Papa’s main interest is in your monthly salary. Just pretend and tell him that you have no idea; but at worst, you may pocket something close to the nation’s minimum wage.

If we are successful with this introduction, our next plan should be how to develop a gentle wedding budget. I have a lot of plans. ‘Folu, we are not cooking any rice- imported or local. I know our families will be the greatest adversary in this noble course but we own our futures and we can’t allow some “guests” to feed fat and recklessly on our modest savings. You shouldn’t end up like Agu. I will like to stop here.

‘Tife,

Takia.

Sheriff is currently a Research Intern at the Centre for Econometrics and Applied Research, Ibadan. He enjoys reading and writing pun at leisure.

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