The ultimate guide to being in the opposition

Elections are a fight between two forces: the power-holding force and the forces that want to hold power, each fiercely opposing the other. However, as an expert in Political Opposition Affairs, I am not happy with how these players I am seeing on the pitch are playing the game. 

Back in those days of my first reincarnation, before these players were born, there was a way we opposed each other. These kids have not learned how the game is played, and that is why I want to share my wisdom.

Speaking from my experience in fantasy and sitting-on-the-wall politics, being in the opposition is really simple.

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But first, how should the force in possession of power play the game?

1. Harass your opposition with power

Dr Myles Munroe, in his infinite wisdom, blessed us with a quote: “When the purpose of a thing is unknown, abuse is inevitable.” We have cowards with power now who do not know how to wield what they have. That is an insult and a scandalous abuse of power. If you cannot swing a sword, then you should not carry one. What is the point of having a gun without knowing how to pull a trigger?

The right way to use power is to use it. There is no mercy in this game. Use the power when you still have it. Use every apparatus of power to hunt down your enemy. As the power holder, you are the commander-in-chief of the armed and unarmed forces. Unleash them on the opposition. Start with the unarmed forces, and investigate and surveil those with clean records. The ones who are not so clean? You may not necessarily keep them with Lady Justitia, but her enforcers should do the job.

2. Scatter the camp of your enemies

Confuse your enemies. There is no better way to be a good opposition than sowing the seed of confusion and conflict into their camps. There are two ways to do this: the overt and covert methods. What you have to do in the overt method is to borrow from the wisdom of Robert Greene. Hire some of your enemies; make them friends or acquaintances. To defeat an opposition, you need knowledge of their structure, among other things. Now you have people who have the knowledge of the structure you want to fission for your advantage.

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For the opposition politicians, here’s what you need to do.

1. Take the meaning of ‘opposition’ literally.

You are not really in the opposition if you do not take the word seriously. What is your job as an opposition? Simple. Oppose everything and anything the ruling party or government does, from policies to the construction of infrastructure. Whether those policies or infrastructure will benefit society is not a question you should be asking as an opposition politician. If these government deeds turn out to be good, there is always a flaw you should formulate a scientific theory on. As the opposition, you should be an expert in statistics and counter-statistics. When the ruling government comes up with statistics, you should have a counter-statistic. If they say the value of the naira appreciated by one per cent to the dollar, tell them how insignificant it is. If the government starts a heaven-to-earth road project, you should question how heartless the government is to embark on such a money-gulping project when the money can be used to buy one bag of garri and one bag of rice for every Nigerian. 

2. Recycle promises and make counter-promises

One naira to one dollar, cheap petrol, 24-hour electricity, free education, good roads, etc. Nigerians have heard these promises before, and they were close to being fulfilled. That is why you need to recycle them. You are not a good opposition politician if you cannot give the electorate hope. By recycling these promises, you are not only giving yourself an election chance, but you are also contributing to the mitigation of climate change, which is an indication that your government will embrace sustainability in the use of national resources. 

Another thing you should also do is make counter-promises. Counter-promises are the opposite of what the government is promising or doing. As you know, Nigerians are not always happy with the government recently; hence, it is your responsibility as an opposition politician to promise the exact opposite of what the government is doing. Your counter-promises do not have to be something you support; do not dull your chances because of ideology. Also, your promises should be ambitious; do not make small promises. Aim high. You want to motivate voters to vote for you and that is why you should appear motivated with your promises. 

3. Scrutinise your Opponent’s Credentials

Disqualifying your opponent before a match makes winning easier. Go through their report cards from nursery to secondary school. If they cannot provide it, then that means one thing. They are not competent. The logic of your conclusion is not what you should bother yourself with. 

Scrutinise why they have a D7 in Marketing as a Science student in their O-level when the position requires an all-rounder. Scrutinise why someone with a third-class degree will be nominated when we are trying to quell the fire of Olodo uprising. Do not forget their NYSC too. Track down their platoon mates and everyone who attended the same orientation camp with them. Remember, everything you can get on them is a card you should play. Play your cards right.

4. Find out about their past.

The unlearned will say the past is the past, but the learned know the past is a tool for the present and future. As an opposition politician, you need as many tools as possible. Investigate the opponent’s past. All the things they did in the past are tools for you; dig and unearth them like the ancient treasure that they are. Did they live in their father’s compound till they were 25?  Have they ever lodged in a police station, or have they just spoken to the receptionist? If they have done these, it means they are not capable and competent. Do they have childhood photographs they can use to prove they are not aliens?

5. Shun any form of opposition alliance

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

That is a quote from the Bible. Now, let us rephrase it. “Do not be unequally yoked with other opposition. For what partnership has the real opposition with fake opposition?” 

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Sunday Oyebode is a graduate of the University of Ibadan, where he was a member of the Union of Campus of Journalists (UCJ UI). He writes from Ibadan and has an inconsistent interest in politics.