The giant sleeps, the bandits eat, the rice arrives

The giant sleeps, the bandits eat, the rice arrives. And in this mix is the tale of a nation governed by a gripless wheel, protected by prayer, and fed apologies in 50kg bags.

Fellow citizens of the giant of Africa, good day. As my pen prepares to dance to the rhythm of your mournful excitement, I am pleased to inform you that, contrary to what your eyes, your stomach, and your bank account are telling you, Nigeria is fine. And before you bury me six feet beneath the “renewed hope” falsehood, hear me out and judge with unborrowed conscience, not like the godfather of Rivers.

Where do I even begin? Let me start from when the rain began to beat us. ‘It is my turn,’ he said, and it came to pass. And since he became yet another temporary landlord of the Aso house of impurity, hope has not been renewed, decay has been progressive, and insecurity has been successfully rebranded as mere distraction. The bandits feast, but in this giant nation that has lost its legs, we do not call that a crisis. We simply call it political blackmail.

Need not look far for an example. A governor recently linked the surge in insecurity across the country to the opposition’s effort to undermine the president’s administration ahead of the 2027 general elections. He even said, “There is no vacancy in Aso Rock.” Meanwhile, security agencies in his state have recorded dozens of abductions and several high-profile attacks on highways in recent months. That’s the pattern.

Away from that, a few days ago, I read an article by a friend. In it, he asked: “If the master strategist is so good at his political games that he wins all or most of his moves on the chessboard, what is the point of his mastery when nearly all his subjects are already eliminated before the endgame?” I read this excerpt again and again with a smile of shame for this tottering giant.  

Well, I think the master strategist, the kingmaker, now king, does not have to care about his subjects or what becomes of them. That is not his cup of tea. His concern was always fulfilling his long-held dream of becoming king and changing the national anthem. He has achieved both. It is time to call it an administration.

But my friend didn’t stop there. He went further, referencing some comments made by the king maker, “You do not ask dying people that they should pray ‘that bandits should abandon their ways and have a change of heart.’ You do not say that ‘that is the law.’ Instead, you, the CSO, just be the CSO.”

How dare anyone criticise the master strategist’s security blueprint? Why deploy troops when thoughts and prayers are available? The bandits merely need a spiritual reorientation. Once the victims pray hard enough, the kidnappers may repent and be integrated into the security force. And please don’t bring up that saying about prayer without works. It clearly doesn’t apply here. The strategy is to pray. The work is to pray. The solution is to pray. All hail the master strategist! 

Well, beyond the prayer option lies a tangible solution to banditry, an all-in-one remedy to poverty, economic hardship, and insecurity, among others. What is it? Rice. Kudos to our politicians; without this discovery, the tottering giant might never have been crowned as the world poverty capital. What an achievement! 

As for foreigners reading this, welcome to the Rice Republic, where citizens are cooked, Bandits feast, but the waiter picks his teeth. Over the years, rice has been an all-in-one remedy that has virtually solved various problems known to this giant. Imagine one of your relatives got kidnapped, requiring you to raise a huge ransom. But on a Monday morning, while you were quietly thinking of how to get this money, you heard a knock on the door with an underlying, yet reassuring voice saying, “We are government representatives.” A glimpse of hope would rent your mind, perhaps your relative would leave the kidnappers’ den soon. 

But after the polite greetings laced with politicking, they hand you a bag of rice and somehow, by the next day, it appears on the news as another government achievement. Meanwhile, your relative remains in captivity. That’s how it works here. Over 40 students and teachers in Oyo state are still held in the bush under the grip of bandits. Yet, do not be surprised when trucks of rice roll into the victims’ homes, for it has become the all-in-one remedy that is too convenient to heal the wound. It is a gesture that fits headlines more than it saves lives.

As they await the return of their relatives, the backyard turns into a stage with drums rising in loud celebration of hungry political supporters because the government has brought you rice as if carbohydrates could replace the missing loved ones or facilitate their return. What is a kidnapped relative compared to a bag of rice? In fact, why worry about bringing people home when you can bring nourishment instead?

The captive remains in the forest, the kidnappers remain in business, but the cameras have arrived, and the rice has been delivered with jubilation everywhere. Well, in the classroom of the master strategist, solving the problem is optional, but being seen near a bag of rice is not. 

As my pen takes a temporary rest, it is without joy that I inform you that we are cooked. Again, the bandits continue to feast, the waiter continues to pick his teeth, and the menu remains the same.

And who wears the waiter’s apron?

Your dearest Master Strategist.

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Abdullah Ajibade is a journalist and a part-time satirist. He can be reached via @ogbeni_pentalk on X.