… where sa-tyres never go flat

From Our Allies

September to remember

September to remember

By: Francis Olamide

Dear Diary,

I’m not telling you about the toothless corruption crusade that our leader has used to becloud people’s judgement here I’ll tell you that another day. Well, some quarters believe the fight is going on strong. Especially with the way prisons (sorry, correctional centers) have been congested with looters.

Diary, did you know it’s treason to yarb Mr President too? Mr Sowore’s mosquito has landed on PMB’s scrotum he is the latest victim. But who is a treasonable felon? The person who toppled Shagari’s civilian govt. through a military coup or the one who complained of the decadence in the system?

I want to tell you a few things that happened in September. Especially the ones that reached those at home and abroad. Can’t you see our God is wonderful? The land flowed with so much milk and honey that it even reached those abroad.

1. Closure of the border to encourage local rice production.

Diary, this one weak me. Nigeria can feed Africa, Nigeria can feed Africa; when will it happen? Abi is it a prayer point they’re raising for us to launch into the heavens?

I bought rice this month only to discover it came with plenty free meats. You know those meats that can rearrange your dental formula? It was full of stones. FG sentenced us to eating our local rice when they locked the border. Do we still need a prophet to tell us we are not up to the task? Especially the affidavit agriculture minister we have been having after Mr Akinwunmi.

I told some agriculturists that only a nation that has belle-full and has surplus closes her borders. They threw me out through the balcony asking if I didn’t see the surplus rice PMB has provided. No rice mill is adequately functioning yet you closed the border. One will think those who should be working with Mr President should know better. Well, Baba has even outsourced the nation to daddy Abba leaving the nation with two VPs: one for Admin, the other for condolence visits.

2. Xenophobic attacks on Nigerians in SA

May we never enter trouble that will require our country’s help. Diary, those SA boys started again, the exact way they usually pamper our Nigerian brothers there. It was out of this act of care that many Nigerians lost their lives, businesses, and family to the cold hands of death.

Guess what, Baba handled it very well. He met Ramaphosa and took some fine pictures with him. We used SA’s eyes to see trobule o. Bubu sent a delegation as soon as possible to SA, only that they moved so fast that it took four days to arrive there.

It was during this gallant fight against SA that we got so engaged and forgot we had to evacuate our citizens from SA. Thank God for Air Peace that peacefully shouldered the responsibility of the Nigerians who opted to move from SA’s frying pan to Nigeria’s fire.

As talk no deh tire us, we’re still discussing how to get compensation for damages for weeks now until we will arrive at a silent bustop. Aunty Dabiri has kuku promised those that returned N40,000 worth of recharge card with free data to empower them. I hope it’ll be enough to update those still in SA, “Please tell my family not to come o. It’s not how I thought it’ll be. The milk flowing here is sour and the bees producing honey are on exile.”

3. VAT, bank deposit and withdrawal charges

Our financial sector became so full of productive ideas that they want to kill the common man with various kinds of levies disguised as VAT/deposit and withdrawal charges. There is no hardship in the land, our spending power is strong and Amrica cannot even meet up with our GDP; so, they decided to collect some money from us.

VAT increased from 5% to 7.2% so that minimum wage the one they’ve been using to scam us since last year can be paid.

These finance people got so mentally strong that they want to drain from any source they see. After rubbing us with multidimensional poverty oil, they still want to take out of the little we’re managing to survive on.

Even people with affidavit certificates in finance can’t think of creative ways for a nation to earn rather than taxing the poor so hard. With N500,000 in my account now, I have to pay the bank N20,000 as withdrawal charges and N15,000 to deposit the same amount of money. Very soon, we’ll be contributing money to the government to repair roads, provide power, and enhance security. Abeg, let’s just end this September. I hope in this new week, another news that’ll fuel the frustration of Nigerians will not surface again. See you later, diary.

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