by: Ifeoluwa Kayode-Dada

 A run-down of reasons why our country, Nigeria, is one of the greatest nations to ever exist must include our impeccable military and defense system. Our soldiers are ever on the frontlines; contending against high-tech, super weapon, gun-wielding robots, popularly known as “unknown gunmen”. 

Our top-notch defense system deserves its accolades for its the tedious efforts to contain the dangerous invasion in the form of these “unknown gunmen,” which is indeed laudable. This maybe why, albeit contrasting, at present, there has been little to no success in bringing these perpetrators to book.

Our in-house detective (also a detective unknown) has, in search of the identity of these men, ran through the jungle, walked through the Sahara, searched trees and combed through forests to gather Intel on this situation and it behoves upon us, the citizen with no military training except the NYSC camp drills, to lend the our dear military a helping hand.

We will take you on a long revealing journey, painting the faces of these men with our delicate brush strokes and intricate details.

1 – Brush stroke one (the unknown men’s faces): Their faces are like any other, except that their cheeks are fuller (because they have been relatively undisturbed by the rugged military experience). In the event of actual effort being made to capture these men, the military should please note the cheeks. It is their identity badges.

2 – Brush stroke two (the unknown man’s hands): Contrasting to their pretty cheeks, the enemy hands are slightly tougher. Why? Because they are very skilled in martial arts (Kung Fu). The grandiose, over-exaggerated trainings of our armed forces couldn’t possibly withstand this martial arts training. This adds to the mystery of their unknown status. So, beware of that impromptu and unexpected hand-flip in the face or stomach, dear military men.

3 – Brush stroke three (the unknown men’s legs): Their legs, although like any other, have super speed (like sonic, the hedgehog). This is why, they are never caught by our superior forces. They are not trained to deal with such matters, and this fact also explains their status of their unknown personalities (imagine trying to catch a bad guy that runs a million kilometers per minute, you fit catch am?)

4- Brush stroke four (the unknown man’s guns): Obviously, a distinguishing factor of an unknown gunman is the “gun” itself. Nigeria is a relatively safe place, so guns are not easily accessible, therefore establishing the uniqueness of this “unknown gunman’s threat”. Our very own Detective unknown’s findings show that these men use high-tech weapons from the future (Yes, could you even believe that these guys may be time travellers?)          

These are reasons why, till date, they are all still at large; though many lives have been lost to them at different times throughout the federation. So, when you hear the words “unknown gunmen” from the telly, you sure now know what is at stake.

Ifeoluwa Kayode-Dada is a budding writer and lawyer. She writes satire because, it is a merger of three things she cherishes: humour, intelligence and activism. She can be reached on Instagram via @Ifeoluwakayodedada and she could be mailed via idada818@gmail.com

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