By: Elejaitan Bernard Atilade
From: Party Chairman
To: Cabal, Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders
Topic: Primary Party Election
Code: Behind Closed Doors; Need for Action
I, the honorable chairman of this great party, wish to express my utmost gratitude to the indisputable Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders of this great party for the landslide victory contributed in the previous elections and the smooth running of the party. Be that as it may be, in preparation for the forthcoming general election, I am directed as a loyal servant of this aforementioned group to notify you all of my intention to commence the consultation towards drawing up lists of meritorious and credible candidates for the forthcoming party primary election. It is against this backdrop I await your illustrious response to nominate prospective candidates that are docile to the dictates of this group to honour the best amongst them.
From: Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders
To: Party Chairman
Topic: Primary Party Election
Code: Behind Closed Doors; Need for Action
Your Excellency Mr. Party Chairman, we the Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, Stakeholders of this great party appreciate your initiative in recognizing us as regards your notification on the nomination of candidates judged worthy for the forthcoming party primary election. Consequent upon this, we had set to look into immediate and intermediate candidates that have served the purpose of the Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains and Stakeholders of this party. Thus, we have set up the Party Nomination Committee to have those with high financial returns to this body shortlisted as eligible candidates for the party’s primary election.
From: Party Chairman
To: Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders
Topic: Primary Party Election
Code: Behind Closed Doors; Need for Action
I’m delighted by your prompt response to my memo and the seriousness with which you are taking this into consideration. Going through your memo, it is obvious the party is set to go on with her primary election. Thus, aspiring members whom were not shortlisted will be officially disqualified on the grounds of campaign of calumny, dastardly acts and irregularities of credentials.
Meanwhile, in a bid to be proactive against the general election, different committees should be setup to liaise prolific strategies for this great party to emerge victorious. Of interest to the forthcoming general election are; INEC liaison committee, EFCC indictment committee, Pentecostal/Orthodox industry committee, judiciary lobbing committee, and the Twitter/Facebook committee. Please all hands should be on deck and operations should commence in earnest.
From: Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders
To: Mr. Party Chairman
Topic: General Election
Code: Behind Closed Doors; Need for Action
Your Excellency Mr. Chairman, we appreciate your wisdom in this crucial period. All necessary operations will kick-start. The Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders have setup the necessary committees as rightly suggested in your previous memo. Gratitude to God almighty, the representatives of the different committees and the party flag bearers are in smooth negotiations with their respective departments. The INEC liaison committee will include the INEC chairman in her payroll till after the election. More so, since experience has shown indicting the credibility of opposing parties’ flag bearers is a step to electoral success, the EFCC officials will be brought to agreement on how to shortlist names of threatening oppositions for public corruption. In the same vein, the committee for Facebook and Twitter has come up with names of five erudite professors of high calibers with powerful social media influence. They will be saddle with the responsibility of succinctly and logically rationalizing on social media platforms the credibility of this party and her flag-bearer before, during, and after the election.
Also, having understood the psychology of average Nigerian that votes, the party flag-bearers have been commissioned to begin their pre-election items distribution, such as; small bags of rice, salts, beans, flour, exercise books, sugar, T-shirts branded with the party logo, flag bearer’s name and photo. Mr. Chairman, rest assured the Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains and Stakeholders are ready to provide further assistance towards the success of the forthcoming general election. To this end, the party’s ‘Mr. Fix It’ will be delegated to write top religious leaders in the Pentecostal/Orthodox industry for prophetic endorsement.
From: Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders (Mr. Fix It)
To: Rev. Daddy Overseer, Father, Apostle
Topic: General Election
Code: Behind Closed Doors; Need for Action
Dear Rev. Daddy Overseer, Father, Apostle,
Fraternal greetings to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hope this letter finds you well; if so, doxology. I am directed to write you this memo on behalf of the cabal; Godfathers, chieftains, and stakeholders of our prestigious party to crave your spiritual and prophetic awareness towards the forthcoming general election. As the holy bible says in Psalm 127:1: “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builder’s labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over a city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” It is with this we are confident with you nothing is impossible in the political realm. Your relevance and contribution to the dividend of democracy in Nigeria cannot be overemphasized.
We are at the phase of reaching out to religious leaders for necessary strategies towards having a landslide victory in the coming general elections. Testifying to your good reputation in political prophecies, the party has dimmed it fit to seek God and His servant first so that every other thing will be added unto her. It is against this background the party wishes to saddle you with the responsibility of spiritually and prophetically endorsing her flag-bearers in the forthcoming general election, thereby announcing and anointing them as ‘God-sent’ leaders.
Also, in a bid to achieve our aims without traces of conspiracy with you, the party strategists are proposing you carry out your own responsibility during your periodic pre-election prophecy sessions. This will go a long way to serve as the major campaign for the party and her flag-bearers, calm the nerves of Nigerians when irregularities occur during and after the election. More so, you should disenfranchise the members of your congregation to either vote for our party or stay back at home projecting in them how fetish and demonic every other party is except our great party.
Be that as it may, the Cabal; Godfathers, Chieftains, and Stakeholders in consonance with the party chairman have decided to put up some innovation in your ministry. Firstly, directives had been given to all party flag-bearers to begin the sowing of seeds pending their post-election thanksgiving services that will be graced stupendously by party delegates. This is also an avenue to start preparing toward this great occasion, to ensure necessary arrangement for men of such caliber. Of interest to you are plans to also build a gigantic prayer auditorium to boost your ministry and for convenience of party members (that will be second to none in Nigeria).
It is also a thing of concern for the party to get you a new private jet. You will need it for easy mobility to and fro doing the work of God. There is absolutely no reason why a man of God of your caliber should suffer discomfort while carrying out the work of God. You should not mind those wicked critics who wish to loud-mouth, the private jet is a token of your struggle to give Nigeria nascent democracy. This is just a little about how our memorandum of chop-make-we-chop will go.
Elejaitan Bernard Atilade, from Kogi state, Nigeria, is a third year philosophy student of University of Nigeria, Nsukka, Enugu state. He is a die-hard humanist, pan-African and pro-Nigerian which has spurred his interest in writing. Besides reading and writing satire, he loves playing basketball, badminton and being sarcastic!
