This piece was originally published as a thread on Twitter on October 21, 2020. {Headline has been coined and added by Punocracy.}


Following years of military disgrace by Boko Haram teens, our soldiers (fondly called Zombi-o by Fela) last night restored the Army’s glory in a battle against flag-waving #EndSARS protesters who had attacked first with verses of Nigeria’s dangerous National Anthem.

The government’s policy of breeding the world’s largest herd of 13+ million uneducated school-age kids paid huge dividends as touts, too dim to recognise their own interests, joined government in sabotaging their compatriots’ #EndSARS protests.

In a brilliant tactical move, the Army — aka POPS (Politicians’ Orderly & Protection Service) dodged cutlass-wielding, police-station-burning touts on Lagos mainland and deployed to liberate the lucrative #LekkiTollgates (aka Eko-o-ni-Baje Oil Wells), from chanting Young Radicals.

The Nigerian Army, which had earlier achieved a feat of Military Irony for raping victims of Boko Haram, went one better by shooting tax payers with bullets bought by tax payers waving the Nigerian flag.

The #Lekkitollgate, which was burned after the #LekkiMassacre, may remain closed permanently, as a memorial to the dead youths and the dead letters of the Nigerian constitution that guaranteed their right to life. (But do not hold your breath.)

The operation was led by Lt Col S.O. Bello, who had long resented his non-inclusion (with colleagues, Maj Gen Ewansiha, Maj Gen Ethnan, Maj Gen Mohammed, Brig Gen Edokpayi, & Brig Gen Bamigboye) in the prestigious Amnesty International List of Officers to be Tried for War Crimes.

‘Why Lekki, and not Sambisa?’ asked puzzled Nigerians. So their Army explained how despite thousands of civilian kills, #NigerianArmyMassacres had failed to trend. Yet, a mere police unit with hundreds of civilian kills had achieved global fame with the #EndSARS hashtag.

‘Why live bullets, and not water cannons, or rubber bullets?’ asked weeping Nigerians. “The police may be your “friend”,’ smiled the Army, “I warned you: I am #Crocodile.”

The #EndSARS #NigerianArmyMassacre marks another successful outing in the long history of the Nigerian Army’s specialisation in the killing of unarmed civilians, dating back from the Asaba Massacre (’67), through Odi (’99) to Zaria (’15).

With #LekkiMassacre our Army jazzed up state terrorism by fusing two separate war crimes, Massacre and Disappearance. Thus, victims are killed publicly for maximum terror impact, then their corpses are stolen, enabling Governor @jidesanwoolu to deny that anyone died.


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