By: Sultan Quadri


“Almajirai, sorry Almajiri!” I screamed with excitement. I have never seen someone with a better future. They are being encamped in a repository of knowledge and are contributing to the growth of the country. Ultimately, they make our own burdens lighter. They are a beauty to behold, even their wise masters will sit at meat with them, crack jokes, and tell them stories. These are some of the many luxuries they enjoy that we don’t.

For example, they don’t have to wake up with their lungs filled with dust, friendly insects feasting incessantly on their bodies. They wake up hurriedly so that they can eat the food they didn’t get a fill of yesterday. In the ever pleasant morning, they are asked what they want to eat, they smile and grumble that they want a new meal and their requests are granted. 

Even if they see a ray of hope or interest in something as Haram as Makarantan Boko, a thunder of “infidel” and soothing lashes of loving whips will never touch their backs. What do you need western education for? Without it, the commissioner rose to the top. He loitered the street, begged for money from passersby, almost got ran over by cars daily, ate crumbs from the plate of strangers and, when it was time, he was handpicked from the street and was sworn in as a commissioner the next day. You don’t have to strive; striving is rebellion.

When you see your master’s children wearing what looks like something they wear in somewhere they call school, run to your loving master, ask why you find it confusing, and he will allow you drink from the river of his flowing wisdom. Well, that is if your master’s family are not kept far away from beastly animals and the preying eyes of bad belles. Who doesn’t like unpaid labor? Even the illustrious King Pharaoh was not stupid enough to let go of the lazy Egyptians that did nothing but eating his food. He didn’t even force them to build Pithom and Ramesses.

The Almajiris go to your small farm when they are bored and need something to while away time. The farm is not even productive and it doesn’t even add a cent to your wealth. God forbid you to reap unjustly from the wealth of others. Put them in their places, use the sweetness of Al-janna, and the terror of Al-jahim to make them understand why they can’t be empowered to contribute to this good-for-nothing country. They don’t need to even dream of having anything here; it’s vanity upon vanity.

No wonder they long for the afterlife so much that they believe death is actually doing them a favor. A life well spent; the more the suffering on earth the more the reward in the afterlife. Your friends and families will envy you, you will drive a Maybach. Dubai is so dirty, seasoned with the endearing smell of undiluted urine, trash beautifies the road and once in a while dust re-energizes their lungs. Empty heads filled with mischievous agendas are saluted and given references until they become Islamic Scholars.

Dubai is backward, they will never allow infidels to corrupt them with western education and they will never evolve. The boys of popular scholars go to the farm with golden hoes, why will they ever use a tractor that was invented with western knowledge?

Alas, O, ye patriot! If only what a ruler is good for in Nigeria is not to measure the percentage of the treasury to be looted. Yes! So, you think they don’t know about percentages? How do you think they brilliantly share monies received from well-meaning and law-abiding citizens that just want to show appreciation for their good works?

In truth, the rulers are really zealous. They got into office to work, take Almajiris off the streets, build roads even when the world is building runways and railroads, et cetera. That is how much he intended to do.  “Let’s give him air to breathe,” defacto state coordinators concluded. They made sure they didn’t contaminate the air around the ruler with any foul idea or logical resolution. “But seriously, did the Almajiris complain to you?” he was strategically advised.

It is easy to throw election promises off the ship here, just tell them, you tried but it was an effort in futility. Don’t worry, they will elect you for the second time to really focus on the task ahead. Conspiracies are forbidden is this clime. You cannot conspire with a gang leader to burn the mosque of rivals or harbour criminals. You mustn’t kill off the dreams of promising Nigerians. They are not even worth it even if you decide to consider that filthy agenda. And yes, your friends from the south are evil. Especially those two big tribes, they are always conspiring against you. But do you think they have your time? They are trying to get far away from you. Biafra is the way and the Oduduwa Republic is the path.

That Lord Luggard ehn! He didn’t do well for us o. It seems I’m already digressing, but not in the way we prefer to reduce our expenditure on capital assets than cancelling something as integral to national development as renovating the national assembly. It is a place of honor. Sorry, I have digressed again. Maybe it is the ways of Nigeria that is affecting me, official modus operandi: An upside-down priority list. I will love to come back to the southerners; they didn’t care until the shipping of Almajiris began to pay visits to their territory.