By: Abdullah Ajibade
Before long, Nigeria, with its wealth of experience in the fine art of fighting corruption will extend its Masterclass to many African countries—because who is better to lead the charge than a seasoned expert in the field?
As a Muslim, Fridays have always been special for me, but the most recent one came with special juices, credit to the words of Mr. Humphrey Geise, Namibia’s Ambassador to Nigeria, while paying a courtesy call to the Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission (ICPC) headquarters.
He said, “The fight against corruption is taking a new dimension in the continent and we believe Nigeria should lead in sharing its expertise in the fight against corruption and we hope it will open its doors to other African countries like Namibia to learn.
“We feel ICPC and the EFCC should be able to go the extra mile to share their remarkable achievements. It’s not good for Namibia to go outside the continent to learn this.”
When I stumbled upon this glorifying perspective, I had to fact-check—not because it was false, but to beat the question: is this all? I had expected more from the Ambassador. Something not far from the glamorous way the former governor of Delta state, James Ibori, was welcomed after serving his jail term in a UK prison—a true carnival! (Ibori, as you know, had been convicted in a British court on charges of money laundering.)
On this, I advise Namibia to step up its efforts. If you want Nigeria’s help, you have to acknowledge the full extent of the country’s anti-graft magic.
In a proper big brother flex, the ICPC chairman confirmed that the agency is open for partnership and even highlighted that the training arm of the agency would come handy to see to the training request for personnel of the Namibian Anti-Corruption Commission.
Beyond this training, I will also contribute my part—free of Value Added Tax—by sharing a brief but insightful practical experience of fighting corruption in Nigeria. But before I do this, allow me to address a part of the Ambassadorʼs statement where he mentioned that it’s not good for Namibia to go outside the continent to learn the art of fighting corruption.
Sincerely, there is a lot to consider here as it is hard to imagine the possibility of any African country going Brazil’s way. In 2023, the countryʼs Supreme Court sentenced former president Fernando Collor de Mello to eight years and 10 months in prison for “passive corruption and money laundering.”
Why look outside when we have more useful case studies back home, such as the White Lion of Ajaokuta Garden, who moved a meagre $720,000 from public funds to pay a child’s school fees as a way to demonstrate that the youths are truly the leaders of tomorrow and thus deserve proper care.
Moreover, African leaders and politicians are less corrupt compared to their abroad counterparts. And before you mention the Maina Pension Scam in Nigeria, don’t forget that the accused isn’t a leader or politician. Abdulrasheed Maina, the chairman of the Pension Pension Reform Task Team, was accused of looting N195 billion of the pension funds that affected about 141,790 pensioners. Per African standards, he’s a chairman, not a politician or leader.
Now, based on practical experience, I will be discussing six proven methods that has helped to solving corruption cases faster and easier in Nigeria.
- The Dino Method: This method requires some sacrifices, but if properly executed, it’s a game-changer. All you have to do is slump within the court premises when your corruption case is ongoing. This cuts the duration of solving the case. It has worked for Metuh, Dino, Maina and Pondei, so don’t doubt its efficacy.
- Ruling Party Method: This method is less stressful and straightforward. Just analyse the chance of your party winning the next presidential election. Once you are certain of winning, loot as much as you can and grease the palms of some people so they can provide the umbrella when it’s raining. Avoid any conflicts with the bigwigs within your party as that might truncate this method. An important mention here is the current chairman of the ABC.
- Innocence and Media Method: This method will consume your money, but a trial is not bad. Here, ensure your body language and utterances consistently reflect innocence, then pay some media personalities and influencers to promote some of your good deeds. This will build your public sympathy. Madam Alison has previously asserted that she never stole any money from Nigeria. Many believed her.
- Puppetry Method: This involves ensuring that your successor is entirely under your control. This will cover for any potential corruption charges. However, if you are unlucky and an external probe arises, just ensure that your successor activates his immunity, extending it to you like the precious flower (ododo) of Ajaokuta Garden.
- Missing Files Method: This involves finding ways to make your case file disappear regardless of the office in charge. For instance, during an ongoing protest, leverage the situation and have your case file stolen. In 2020, reports had it that the corruption case files of 15 high-profile individuals went missing. It’s effective! The chairman of the ABC party can offer past questions for a fee in dollars.
- Tribalism and Religion Card: This method doesn’t require you to love your ethnic group or your religion. You just need to faintly associate with any of the major religions or ethnic groups that are not the same as your opposition, then claim you are being victimised because you spoke against the opposition for fielding two candidates from the same religion or ethnic group.
While these are proven methods to fighting corruption based on practical experience, the icing on it is organising a group of loyalist state governors to lead campaigns against the anti-corruption agency and even pursue legal action. This strategy will spur the energy to fight corruption.
Contrary to Ngozi Okonjo Iwealaʼs view that fighting corruption is dangerous, these outlined methods make it easier when executed properly. Meanwhile, Nigerians have been too ungrateful to celebrate the countryʼs anti-graft efforts. One even said the attempt by Namibia is like Tottenham seeking insights from Arsenal on how to win a Champions League.
Abdullah Ajibade is a freelance journalist and a part-time satirist. He can be reached via @ogbeni_pentalk on X or abdullahajibade@gmail.com.
