By: Olamide Francis


On behalf of every Nigerian, we want to say thank you to our Daddy and Mummy—UK and US—on whose shoulder we will always stand until we’re old enough to be truly independent. It’s not that we’re that reckless to get out acts together, we are just being subservient to our father and mother. Only a bastard child will not heed to his parents’ instructions. Nigeria will never be one.

Daddy and Mummy, without you, where will our president get adequate care for his health? Without you where will our politicians who have created a functional society for their constituents run to when water pass garri here? Daddy without you, and sometimes your friends in the UAE, where our leaders go to spend their money? Mummy, if you didn’t work so hard on your educational system, where will children of the influential study? You have done so much for us, we cannot tell it all. Once have you called, thrice have we answered. Who born monkey!

Mummy, when we fought so hard to quit sucking your breast in 1960, we didn’t realise it came with so many responsibilities. We thought it would be a walk in the park and our cargo cult mentality will cause our lands to flow with milk and honey. We hastily stole our freedom not knowing that it came with great responsibility. Mummy, those were the mistakes you made. You set us free physically, allowed us to run off in amazement, but you didn’t tell us we needed to be mentally free too. Now we are in such an abusive relationship with our leaders so much so that without your intervention they cannot sit up.

Daddy, amidst all these, we want to know how you do the things you do. Why do our leaders fear you so much? Are your hospitals, schools, security, and health care that sweet and functional that they can’t deprive themselves of them? We’re just wondering. For example, we cried like bushbabies for months for the release of an activist, Omoyele Sowore, after several court orders to release him. But our government, who should be an example to us, refused to obey the court orders until a letter came from Congress. Only six signatures from the US swept through Aso Rock with fear leading to the reluctant release of Mr Sowore. 

Daddy, we also want to thank you for your recent and timely intervention in the Edo elections. If not that you said you were watching and will ban election riggers from sucking from your feeding bottle, how would the election have been? It was your instruction that contributed to ensuring the will of the people prevailed. 

Daddy and Mummy, the only lesson we could pick from this masochistic union you put us in with our leaders is that a pleasantly abusive and adorably irresponsible husband that’s receptive to his daddy and mummy is better than the one that beats up the wife but cannot be cautioned by daddy and mummy. We now know where to run to when we want our leaders to sit up.

Above all, we thank God that it’s not a shameful thing in any way that a sixty-year-old man still takes orders from his parents on how to run his family. What an obedient sixty-year-old! Daddy and Mummy, we need you now, more than ever. We need you more, especially as the 2023 presidential election approaches. Collect your feeding bottle from their mouth so that our leaders can act accordingly.

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