A bill for an Act to cater to the millions of traumatised victims of tardy Nigerian tailors, to establish a Tailor Crimes Commission, Tailors Victims Support Commission and the Tailors Victims Support fund, to criminalise and provide punishment for tardiness by tailors and other matters related thereto.
1. Interpretation
In this Bill, unless the context otherwise requires-
“Tailor” means any individual engaged in the production of any type of apparel for human use irrespective of whatever cool appellation they may give themselves, including but not limited to pretentious titles like “seamstress”, “dressmaker”, “fashion designer”.
“Tardiness” means everything from non-delivery of apparel given for production or delivery of said apparel at anytime after the agreed time and date for such production.
2. Establishment of Nigerian Tailor Crimes Commission
(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Crimes Commission (hereinafter referred to as “Tailor Crimes Commission” or “TCC”)
The Tailor Crimes Commission shall –
(a) be responsible for all matters affecting crimes by tailors in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;
(b) monitor and supervise Nigerian tailors in relation to international tailoring standards and advise Government thereon;
(c) prosecute, arrest and investigate tailors who cause heartache and sorrow to innocent Nigerians whose only sin was engaging a Nigerian tailor;
(d) enlighten and inform the public on matters relating to their rights with regard to tailors;
(e) maintain an up-to-date database of Nigerian tailors and their heinous crimes, reward tailors who are crime-free, and shame those who consistently ruin the hustle of god-fearing Nigerians;
(f) be responsible for such other matters as relate to tailors in Nigeria as the Minister (for Internal Affairs) may, from time to time, direct.
3. Tailor Crimes
(1) A person commits a Tailor Crime if
(a) He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails completely to produce such apparel;
(b) He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to deliver such apparel to the owner at or before the agreed time for delivery;
(c) He or she, being in receipt of a fabric, or money to purchase said fabric for the production of any apparel for human use fails to produce the apparel according to the agreed specifications, making it either too small or too large or too different from the sample or totally unwearable or missing major appurtenances including but not limited to buttons or sequins or functional zippers, or button holes.
(2) A person who commits a Tailor Crime shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 4 years including a fine covering the cost of a new apparel.
(3) The following shall not constitute acceptable defences to Tailor Crimes
1. “I get catarrh”;
2. “I no well” when said excuse is not accompanied by doctors report or evidence of total physical incapacity;
3. A wedding;
4. A wedding of one’s relatives;
5. Death of one’s grandmother or aunt or great-grandmother especially one who has died before;
6. “No light”;
7. “I no find landing for your cloth”;
8. Anybody’s second burial;
9. “My pikin no well” except when accompanied by evidence.
(4.) The offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes
(a) A person commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes when he or she commits Tailor Crimes more than once against the same person within a period of two months or commits more than one Tailor Crime against the same person, for example, being tardy AND ruining the apparel.
(b) A person who commits the offence of Aggravated Tailor Crimes shall be liable upon conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding 8 years including a lifetime ban from being a tailor.
5. Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Commission
(1) There is hereby established a body to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims Support Commission (hereinafter referred to as “NTVSC”)
The NTVSC shall –
(a) be responsible for the emotional support of all victims of Tailor Crimes in Nigeria as provided for in this Act;
(b) respond to all emergencies relating to Nigerian tailors including but not limited to providing trauma counselling to victims whose spirits have been broken because a Nigerian tailor ruined their wedding, party, event, funeral, job interview, date, award ceremony other important event;
(c) hold town hall meetings to sensitise Nigerians on the dangers of Tailor Crimes;
(d) coordinate meetings and create local chapters of victim support groups online and offline;
6. Establishment of Tailor Victims Support Fund
(1) There is hereby established a fund to be known as the Nigerian Tailor Victims Support Fund (hereinafter referred to as “the fund”)
The fund shall –
1. Consist of monthly tax from all tailors in Nigeria whether or not they have committed Tailor Crimes;
2. Be used to support victims of Nigerian Tailors and run the support commission in general;
3. Be used to pay for trauma treatment and new fabrics in compensation for Tailor Crimes.
This piece was first published on Medium on May 17, 2019, and was authored by Elnathan John, satirist and author of Be(com)ing Nigerian: A Guide.
