… where sa-tyres never go flat

From Our Allies

Nigeria elections: In reality, there are ballot boxes on social media

Nigeria elections: In reality, there are ballot boxes on social media

by: Quadri Yahya

Ẹ̀gbọ́n Wale and Brother Kabir joined the ‘movement’ very early before the electioneering season became tense,  with ear-bursting loud speakers and troops in entourage of ‘our’ presidential candidate contesting to be Nigeria captain in Aso Rock. 

My area brothers passionately waved their hands to the candidate on the day his campaign vehicle, with a crowd of well-wishers, despite sweating profusely under the scorching sun, strolled along a Lagos street. 

Despite the fact that my bros are devoted supporters, they would not dare to shut their shops to join the ‘agents of change’ team because if they do, they may not make enough cash (in a cash mess era) to buy data subscription to campaign for the same candidate on social media, especially on Twitter. 

There are a number of poor poos projecting ‘our’ candidate’s victory. And Statista also wonders why not, since there are 32.9 million active social media users in this popular county. It later turned out that less than this number could win ‘our’ man the post.

But in the end, ‘our’ candidate lost. You don’t need to pacify us. Here’s why. 

Talk of popularity, ‘our candidate is well-known in the nooks and crannies of this county’, Brother Kabir would argue on social media. He would gnash his teeth when a liberal fellow who is adamant to join the ‘movement’ tweeted a neutral statement of enquiry: ‘Do you think your candidate can win this election, considering factor A & B?’. And my Ẹ̀gbọ́n will go berserk: ‘Don’t be so stupid. Can’t you see that God and the ancestors are behind this ‘movement’. This is our time. It’s youth o’clock!’ 

But in my censored curiosity, I asked my bros where they’d be casting their votes. But, not to my utter surprise though, none of them are eligible voters. I understand, through their grumble and litany of lamentations, that they’re termed ‘keyboard warriors’ and opponents sneered at them by saying: there are no ballot boxes on social media.

But I want to disagree with the latter remark.

On Feb. 25th, had the electoral empire not backstab the social media savvy and set up ballot boxes on social media, ‘our’ candidate could (no, would) have won without rigging in any part of the country.

Yes, apart from ‘the man of the people’, 17 flag bearers from different teams are in the boxing ring, trying to snatch the hardest WWE belt from the ruling party which will soon be over in May.

For emphasis, had the electoral body not changed its mind on where to establish on the actual voting day, we all would be in wild jubilation and hailing ‘our president’.

How the election was lost but won 

You’re reading to reach the end of this analysis (hopefully). So I won’t bore you about the collation centers on WhatsApp and Twitter.

‘Our’ candidate lost because there was a dichotomy in Brother Kabir’s family: His entire family members like their person. They know little about ‘our’ candidate. To make matters more ridiculous, Brother Kabir was arrogant to explain to his family and friends (especially the bigot ones) alike why ‘our’ candidate is the best man for the job.

All he says is: ‘we no dey give shishi’. Where is the cash to give sef.

Secondly, there was no lubricant to oil the smooth process of erecting structures. In a county where one of the candidates sees the soon to be vacant post as birthright, and with the combo (his vice), strong structure could not be built in such a short period of time my bros and millions of frustrated members of the ‘movement’ want ‘change’, adding the fact that they are broke to give shishi to electorate that have been impoverished. 

Besides, those that voted against ‘our’ are yet to be ‘liberated’. How could they stand against ‘our’ candidate who comes clean with pristine intent to rule us?! 

But Global Data says they are not to be blamed because the county’s literacy rate just reached 77.62% in 2021. 

Besides, Statista decried that, out of the over 200 million people, only 81 million of us have access to mobile internet, meaning they can’t connect with the message of ‘our’ candidate. So, you see why we cannot blame the women in Shagari gate Central market and peasant farmers in the hinterland of Borno street who voted against ‘our’ candidate. 

Instead, let’s flog the 62.3 eligible voters who were reluctant to vote for free, even in the face of vawulence. 

In the spirit of win some, lose some: ‘Our’ candidate really tried, especially with the unprecedented feats recorded in some districts. 

Imagine a tenant slapping a landlord in his own house! Abomination of the 21st century political game!

But ‘our’ candidate is not a coward that will shudder in fear after his people were suppressed. Blind Mary Justice will do the justice! She will set the record straight and return ‘our stolen’ mandate. In Sha Allah.

And I will like to ask Ẹ̀gbọ́n Wale and Brother Kabir: when a bank transaction failed, what do a stranded visitor do: ‘He will try again’, they chorused.

‘Our’ candidate won on social media, we just have to make him the president. Let Elon Musk retire for now. 

4.5 2 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

Wanna leave a reply?

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x