By: Abdurrahman Onifade
This National Amnesia and Allied Matters (NAAM) Bill, like most bills that have passed through Nigeria’s legisla—thieve process, seeks to prioritise frivolities, trivialise priorities and idolise mediocrity.
This is a bill for an Act to institutionalise National Amnesia, Official Corruption, Political Theatrics, and Insecurity in Nigeria. The Bill, herein referred to as NAAM, sets to cater for the peculiar mess of politicians and public officials, and also to stimulate and enhance pervasive docility among the masses.
This Bill is sectioned into the following:
- The National Amnesia Commission (NAC);
- The National Agency on Political Theatrics and Official Stupidity (NAPTOS);
- The National University of Corruption (NUC).
The National Amnesia Commission (NAC) shall by this Bill be:
- Empowered to promulgate all policies that will facilitate National Amnesia, using government-owned and biased private media outlets;
- The focal body to provide institutional frameworks for other bodies/institutions captured by this Bill to make National Amnesia every government’s priority; and
- Funded with proceeds from corrupt practices and shady deals in the oil and gas sector, and/or other juicy revenues agencies.
The National Agency on Political Theatrics and Official Stupidity (NAPTOS) shall:
- Train all politicians and public officials necessary theatrics to evade court summons and judicial proceedings;
- Ensure politicians, family members (with potentials in corrupt practices) and public officials are equipped with exceptional expertise in “Public Fainting”;
- Empower politicians and public officials with skills to “gas out” amidst probes in public hearings;
- Arrange for politicians’ “Industrial Training or Internship” on how to be properly laid while being wheeled to courtrooms or public hearings; and
- Certify politicians and public officials on best practices of sitting properly on wheelchairs in courts.
The National University of Corruption (NUC) shall:
- Be headed by a former Chancellor of Vice whose CV must contain at least three plagiarised academic publications;
- Be open to nominations from members of the academia who are reputable for gagging dissenting voices or deflating staff and students’ “gra—gra”;
- Initiate, facilitate and make all efforts to domesticate “National Amnesia” as a core General Studies course across all tertiary institutions, including those without official license, i.e. Universities, Polytechnics, Colleges of Education, and Monotechnics.
- Ensure that any student who refuses to take a module in National Amnesia, after this Bill comes to effect, shall not be eligible for graduation, except he/she has fleeced and maneuvered the system as a former member of Students’ Union or NANS;
- Shall encourage and provide necessary templates for members of the academia to engage in occasional strikes while using the docile students as baits.
This Bill has become necessary to perpetuate government’s ineptitude and crassitude; especially on issues of governance that matter most. When passed, kidnapping of innocent citizens and students, and negotiating their release with huge sums that could be used for national development will be normalised.
Celebrating successive governments will also become a norm for their beautiful failures will become achievements. The citizens would have forgotten that if not for the failures of the former, the latter won’t have to be there.
Political criminals and their acolytes will be elected over and over again especially those who have stolen funds in the billions or living ostentatiously on pensioners’ money. The masses need not bother; they will be given palliatives during campaigns––which do magic, particularly if they boldly bear the faces our political looters. One can always rest assured that four plus four equals eight, or more.
Likewise, young legisla-thieve members who have engaged in domestic violence or public assault will be awarded as “Vanguards of DemoCrazy”. Nothing earns one such awards than being engaged in undemocratic acts in a country where National Amnesia is an attractive culture.
Senator Apoborie Omo-Mushin Senator Danladi Abagana
District of Militant People of Nigeria District of Insurgent People of Nigeria
Senator Agbotikuyo Ako’gba Senator Chibi-onike Otosha
District of Agbero People of Nigeria District of Baby Factory People of Nigeria