by: Alex Omenye
Who is your candidate for the 2023 Presidential elections? Who will you vote for in the polls to determine if Nigerians love their chains or freedom? Who is your candidate, and what’s his policy for the development of Nigeria?
I have chosen my candidate, and he has already said he will send us to Mars to Neflix and chill small because we have suffered enough for eight years. My incoming GCFR has us in his thoughts. He understands that we have suffered enough and deserve rest before he officially takes over. A man of the people already.
What has your candidate promised to do? A candidate said he would recruit the youths into the army, train them to fight North Korea and then feed them with yam, and cassava. Is that candidate your candidate? Please tell him that it won’t be necessary because my candidate said the yahoo boys would be trained to become tech bros who will turn produce robots that will fight WWIII when the need arises. Your candidate isn’t in touch with the emerging realities of the world. He was still stuck in 1984. My candidate is truly the man for this Presidency. On his mandate l stand. You should leave your candidate and join mine abi you want to be eating cassava every day in the Barracks?
What will your candidate do to tackle the poor economy? My candidate is an Oxford and Harvard-trained economist. We will print more money and share it with the poor people; that way, people will have cash and not die from poverty. To reduce the Naira rates against the dollar, he said he would use police dogs to chase Bureau De Change operators who exchange the Naira for the Dollar in a high rate. Those Bureau De Change that doesn’t hear word will say and hear pepper and shege from the hand of the GCFR. E go shock them. Don’t forget he will shut down websites like AbokiFX that will make the administration look bad.
My candidate has stated that he will extraordinarily fight corruption. The ruling party is a party of saints. Sainthood is one of the characteristics of the ruling party. Even if you looted your state or the agency you’re inc lharge of dry, once you join the ruling party, you will be forgiven. To err is human, to forgive is divine. If you mistakenly get jailed before joining the ruling party, in the next state pardon, you will be pardoned. Go and sin no more. My candidate is the best for Nigeria. The one who has a human heart and not the one who will use EFCC and ICPC to prosecute looters. What is the essence of charging them when governance na turn by turn. Forgive them because if e get to your turn, you go loot too.
What is your candidate going to do about the seasonal ASUU strike? Tell me what your candidate will do about the yearly love lost that ASUU and FG exhibit yearly? ASUU is a nuisance. They can go on strike as long as they like, and when they’re tired, they will resume. My candidate’s children are not in public universities, wetin concern am with the strikes?
My candidate will do a lot. To make the citizens happy, the Presidency will host parties every month. Your elected officials will be representing you at those parties and dinners. You can watch them live at NTA. What more will the one God sent to us do to make the Nigerians that elected him happy?
My candidate came from humble beginnings. He struggled very hard to get to the top, and as such l trust him so much that l know he won’t steal public funds. He is a billionaire. What does he need public funds for? Nothing. We should be grateful for a candidate like my candidate. He is doing us a favour. We should be grateful and not be ingrates.
For the other policies that my candidate will introduce that l didn’t state in this article, l intentionally did it. I want my candidate to be shocking and choking those who don’t believe in him. Anticipate my candidate dears. He is the man for you and l.
My candidate is better than yours. Don’t battle with a man that has a divine mandate, or you will end up in disgrace.
May affliction never rise the second time.
Alex Omenye is a writer and social commentator. You can reach him on Twitter with his @_UncleAlex where he spends most of his time talking about tech, history, politics and every other thing that concerns Gen Zs.