By: Winifred Òdúnóku
As a woman, you don’t have to like your husband. You don’t even have to know him in advance. You just marry him.
In addition to that, you must also be found an unspoiled virgin. You must curl your legs together in feminine modesty while sitting, and bow your head while talking to your husband.
If you must work, only sell the produce from your vegetable garden on market days. Do not think of starting a trade.
Your husband owns you, just like God does. And you are to satisfy his every need – physical, emotional, and sexual. No objections.
Master calling him “Dim oma” or “Nna anyi” even when he is not being a good husband or father. Make sure to always swoon over him to let him know that, without him, you are nothing.
As a man, you don’t have to consider her age before marrying her. You just make your intentions known to her people with due diligence.
You are to give her children and food; she is to cook and bear the children.
If she gives birth to just girls, – remember that this is solely a product of her own making – do not fret or even work too much. Just marry your daughters off as soon as they are ‘ripe’, and rest assured that you would soon become the richest man in your umunna before you know it.
If she proves to be a woman indeed and fills your dwelling with boys, then you can take parenting seriously. As soon as your boys start walking, do not allow them to stay at home with their mother anymore – you must teach them how to become strong men, and just that they’ll be.
If all things go well and she gives you twice as many boys as girls, please go ahead and respect her. Call her endearing names like “Onye nkem” or “Uso’m”, but do not use these pet names too often. You don’t want her to get used to them and start being jumpy, or else just address her as ‘woman’ stressing on the M-A-N so that she knows that, without you, she cannot come to be.
As couples, you can both temporize calling each other “Obi’m” … until your first child arrives. Then you must immediately substitute the pet name for “Papa Uche” or “Mama Uche” as the case may be. There must never be a public display of your love, or lack of it thereof.
Bottom line is: you must tolerate each other for the children. Just for the children.
Then if you feel like it, marry a second wife, a third, and maybe a fourth in quick succession. Blessed is the man who can extol the virtues of his manhood and command a league of wives effortlessly.
Feature image by Tribune Online Newspaper.