Marital rapists are like bras; here’s why you should love them

By: Ayodimeji Ameenat

Like bras, husbands who rape their wives only have a goal; to show their women love and give them the greatest pleasure. Every pain it causes is irrelevant extra and that can be overlooked.

Besides, a woman who abandons her bra because it makes her uncomfortable is weak but maybe it’s just that she has other bras in her closet. She would most probably cheat on her husband and leave him in the marriage because he’s dogged about performing his primary duty— the duty of making love to his wife. Abi, should it even matter if she wants it or not? Isn’t a duty a duty? Acting like she doesn’t want it doesn’t displace it as the best and most affectionate way men show love, and you all love it.

Iamdumb.com defines ‘strong’ as being able to live with pain, hurt, discomfort and losing the ability to move on. My girlfriend should be strong. You can’t let your homegirl throw away that peng bra on an it-makes-me-feel-slightly-uncomfortable-on-the-inside kinda excuse. For Pete’s sake, she looks perfect on the outside and isn’t that good enough to keep it on?

A bruise down there isn’t painful; it’s pleasure on a Kama Sutra level. A husband giving such to his wife should be branded the best in bedmatics. Moreover, his intentions are good and she’s his lawfully wedded wife— not the hoe from the broth’ at 3rd street.

When you buy that beautifully expensive lace bra that’s often outta stock at the mall, you lose your right to complain that it makes your claustrophobic boobs feel caged.

Such cage is after all beautifully patterned and classy expensive. Abi what better purpose should it serve when you’re married to the fine, handsome, rich, every girl’s dream kinda guy?  He is a complete gentleman out there and you know it. You see how he treats the ladies at the supermarket and how he helped the old lady at the airport. You don’t expect him to be all gentle to you too, he is a man; isn’t it enough that he shows it out there?

He has urges and you gotta let him satisfy them. You should be grateful that Sadé at Zone 4 doesn’t tickle his fancy even with your stretched marked belly of four pregnancies.

The bras that cause aches are the best. You get to think of them the whole day. They’d linger in your mind and remind you that nothing beautiful came easy. Forget that wearing a bra makes you all sweaty, it still gives you the lift you need. Your husband too lifts you up. He assists your career, buys you flowers, and take you on abroad vacation. The only thing is when he’s horny, he’s a monster, but still treats you well every other time. That’s a good signal. It means he still loves you as much as he used to. At least, notrealfacts.com says 80% of ladies don’t know the way to a flower shop and only 10% of ladies can survive without their husband’s support, and you know you ain’t part of the 10%.

Marital rape is consent rape. You signed up for it at the marriage registry. You even got a certificate. You should be happy and frame it up for display, so the single girls out there would know you ain’t their mate. I’m sure you wouldn’t want the certificate withdrawn, it’ll speak bad of you. You’ve consented, let him through even if you don’t feel it, moan to it and savour your breath in it. Your will won’t stop you from enjoying it even though it burns a little. Be the strong woman and own it. You’re a wonderful wife. Be proud.

Write an article and title it ‘The nitty-gritty of a lasting marriage’. Brag about it. Brag about how you got crowned a queen and how the dark lids of your eyes were from the silent battles in bed, of rods and sacks and the drizzle in between. Tag your conquest ‘girl power’ because it fits.

Ayodimeji Ameenat is a second-year law student, with a keen interest in writings (creative writing especially) and journalism. She enjoys spoken words and loves reading books. Her favourite food is plantain.