by: Jairus Awo

Benue State is currently looking for who to be their Governor. Well, the qualities you need to have are not much. Remember, the titles that come with being a governor are juicy, sweet, and dearing. Names like Nyamkyume, the defender of the Benue valley, and other voluntary nomenclature will follow. But be sure of the title Nyamkyume. 

Perhaps, names like Asiwaju of Lagos can even be domesticated and we would have something like; Asiwaju of Benue Valley. The man with the big head. The consumer of the Benue treasury, the buyer of the Benue companies, the accuser of the brethren, the blame gamer, a talkative thief. 

Before attaining these positions, there is a secret. You must be endowed in the art of shedding tears.

Let me tell you a secret: in Benue state, we don’t care if you are even a school drop out. By the way, what will a governor do with education? Even me, I was a wheelbarrow pusher and motor park conductor. Today, I dine and wine and even whine and twerk with whoever you can think of. Isn’t being a governor wonderful? 

Did you just mention capacity? Oh come on. The only capacity you must have is that you must know how to channel the talk. You must learn the act of apportioning blames to the right quarters – playing the blame. You must not be on good terms with your President. And never forget, you must accuse everyone of your ineptitude.

Forget infrastructure; who e help? Infact, buy the one the state already has and sell it instead. Then buy it. Do not bother if you cannot speak good English. What happens to “fian fian fian”? These are the words to use. But you have to know how to cry in all churches when you go for a campaign. 

I tell you, maybe what to add to crying is that you will lie flat at the altar in these churches, with your face buried in the ground. Make sure the pastor is already being told to put a microphone on your mouth while on the ground. Let people hear you sniff in pain. That way, you are on your way to being a Nyamkyume. Do I need to tell you? That Nyamkyume no be guy man name. Once gotten, it remains forever yours. 

At times your “thing” no go stand up when you wan do the do with your wife. Don’t worry, stand up, go to the bathroom, wash yourself, the next morning, call for a press conference. Cry again that ‘your state is under siege by the ‘fulani militia’. Once you do that, Atikumulate will come to your aid and land you some rabbers. Pastors and Apostles will come and drop some bundles. Ordinarily they will mention that it is for the IDPs, forget. Just make sure your wife has a foundation. When they ask you. Tell them it’s been disbursed already. 

I would like to teach you further, but I would tell you how to handle your government when you win.

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