… where sa-tyres never go flat

Unseriously Serious

If Nigerians adopted Buhari’s odd approach to assets declaration…

If Nigerians adopted Buhari’s odd approach to assets declaration…

In the news: President Buhari submits assets declaration forms

President Muhammadu Buhari has, in compliance with the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, submitted his assets declaration forms to the Code of Conduct Bureau, CCB, which by law must precede his oath-taking slated for tomorrow, May 29th.

The duly completed forms were submitted to the Chairman of the CCB, Professor Mohammed Isa, on behalf of the President by Sarki Abba, Senior Special Assistant, Household and Domestic Affairs.

The forms, as signed by the President and sworn to before a Judge of Abuja High Court, showed no significant changes in assets as declared in 2015 by him.

There are no new houses, no new bank accounts at home and abroad and there are no new shares acquired.

The Chairman of the CCB commended the President for leading by example by declaring his assets in accordance with the law.

Garba Shehu
Senior Special Assistant to the President
(Media & Publicity)
May 28, 2019

If we all decided to adopt the approach…

A defendant to the judge:

“My lord, I swear! I did not kill that man. It’s a blatant lie. All the things the prosecution is saying are not true. I have plenty evidence that will prove my innocence before this court and I have shown my lawyer, a Senior Advocate of Nigeria. He said my lord will strike out the case with that amount of incontrovertible evidence. In fact, I know who really committed the murder. But unfortunately, I cannot tell you any of this or show you the evidence. You have to believe me.”

A husband to his wife:

“My dear, I cannot afford to buy you a new phone o. You know my salary is just N30,000. I have been earning that same amount since 1989, and you know now there is even inflation again. My promotion to Deputy Director added no significant increment to my pay. You want to check my bank statement? Haba now! I won’t lie to you. Everything is with the account department at the office. They’ll bear me witness.”

A footballer about his age:

Wallahi, I am one of the youngest people on the national team. I am only 15 years old. Don’t pay attention to these wrinkles on my face o; that is how we used to have it in our village. When I was born sef, the doctor thought I had spent two years in my mama’s belly, but it was the normal nine months. All my teeth don already come out. If you ask my mom, she will tell you the same thing. Though she died of heart attack three months ago.”

Politician commissioning project:

“My people! My people! I hereby donate to this community, out of my goodwill and generosity as a token to thank you for your support, this ultra-modern gigantic hospital. It may look like just one building, but there are many more hidden behind it. Inside, you have everything you can think of: Defibrillators, anaesthesia machines, patient monitors, EKG machines, radiotherapy machines, surgical tables, and so on. You can’t go in for treatment though even if you can afford to, but I assure you all these things are inside. The only thing missing are the doctors, but at least now you can boast of having an ULTRA-MODERN HOSPITAL, first-of-its-kind in the town.

Job applicant to interviewer:

“I am the perfect candidate for this job sir. Finished with a first class from the University of Nigeria, and summa cum laude from the University of Toronto, Canada. I was the best graduating student; I even broke a 200-year-old record at the department. I have work experience of over 50 years even though I’m only 27. This is from working full-time for five companies at the same time. You can ask my former employers sir. My credentials? Why I don’t have them here? Er… Sir, I kept them at the bank, but it got liquidated in 2017. So… What do you say? (smiles sheepishly).

Mother to her son:

“Heyy Junior! Uncle gave me N5000 to give you when he came last week. Where is it? See his mouth like where’s the money. Don’t worry. I have opened an account for you at Access Bank. I even added N1000 to it. When you grow older and you’re ready to marry wife, I will hand over everything to you. You hear? Ehn ehn.”

Doctor to his patient:

“Congratulations Mr Yusuf! We are happy to inform that you are now well and have been officially discharged by the hospital. Don’t worry sir, though we haven’t done the surgery yet, our test results show that you no longer have lung cancer and diabetes. It’s all gone! Miraculous, isn’t it? Though we also need the bed you are using so that we can admit the senator’s son who just broke his leg, but that is besides the point. Sheer coincidence. Ha-ha. And no sir, you cannot see the test results. Our printer is faulty and we couldn’t get any hard copies. Have a nice day, Mr Yusuf!”

Random blogger:

“Eight years ago, my sugar daddy threw me out of his one-bedroom apartment. Today, I have built myself a mansion that is times ten in size. I picked up all the stones he threw at me, gave them to bricklayers, and they came up with this beautiful house. I don’t even know how they did it. I became too strong and fortified. I am a child of grace and, yes, this is a testimony that dreams do come true. Yes? Why am I not taking pictures inside the building? Oh, that’s because my ex-sugar daddy forgot to throw a key too. I’ll go and ask him … Also, you know, my pastor has to bless the place first.”

Etc. etc. etc.

0 0 votes
Article Rating

Share this post

I am Tubosun, the first son of Ajanaku; and my forte lies in casting light upon the bottomless pits of societal ills through the pastiche of news and satire.

Wanna leave a reply?

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x