We found this lovely satirical prophesy by an amazing knitter of words, Soogun Omoniyi, and knew right away you would love it too. It is a brilliant forecast of the events likely to follow President Buhari’s victory at the polls come 2019. Enjoy!
SECONDS AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT: 70% of Nigeria will groan. Only if they know what will happen in the coming months. The remaining 30% which is made of up aliens, Stockholm syndrome patients, and herdsmen will jubilate.
HOURS AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT: President Buhari and Nigerians are still in shock. Nigerians are wondering how he got to win. His Excellency is wondering why he didn’t take 100% of the vote. After all he’s done for Nigeria and Nigerians. Ungrateful bunch!
In an unbelievable joy frenzy, Herdsmen will slaughter some of their cows in thanksgiving. They will share the meat across Nigeria, but only the Yorubas will eat.
Riots will start in Igbo and Hausa states.
A DAY LATER: Congratulatory messages will fill the atmosphere. Representatives from Boko Haram will visit the Aso Rock to felicitate with His Excellency. Other presidential candidates will send in their goodwills. Fela Durotoye will go on national TV and talk about the beauty of taking risks, about how you shouldn’t retire from your desire, but instead re-fire till you acquire, despite the quagmire.
He will be arrested minutes later for hate speech.
The riots will keep escalating.
The Presidential speech will be read.
AFTER ONE WEEK: His Excellency will be getting ready to go into a 6-month ‘hibernation’; to figure out the best ways to proceed with the beautiful change process he has started. It’s not easy to be president. Especially when you’re an old one.
People will suddenly discover the highly inspiring presidential speech that was read is a potpourri of Martin Luther, George Washington and Tupac. And they will be happy to have such a well-read President.
The Nigerian army will eventually be deployed to end the riot turned mini-war. They will get there and end things peacefully, encouraging the people not to fight again. As brothers and sisters.
ONE MONTH: the ‘hibernation’ will begin.
There will be a mass emigration of ungrateful Nigerians. Those who can’t afford the expenses to Canada, Holland and England will relocate to Ghana, Cotonou and South Africa.
There will be a ‘power surge’ amongst the herdsmen, and they will begin to commit plenty atrocities. The Igbos and some Hausas will resist and fight. But the Yorubas will not be able to talk because they have eaten fried meat and kilishi.
6 MONTHS: His Excellency will return, but he will get ill. Stress. Too much work has gone into the past months. His cabinet will beg him to go to England and treat the headache. He will say no, that he wants to keep leading by example. No public servant should be treated abroad!
Getting to the National Hospital, the doctors will be confused. They’ve never seen this kind of headache before! They will not have the expertise to treat it.
Finally, His Excellency will reluctantly agree to go to England.
AFTER A YEAR: His Excellency will return again. Messiah. Straight spine. Drums. Gunshots. Cute smiles and encouraging hand waves. Headache gone.
While walking around, will notice that almost all the north and some parts of central Nigeria have been wiped off by Boko Haram and the machine-gun-carrying Herdsmen. He will be livid and warn them not to do that again. He will then order that their guns be seized, since they don’t really need guns to guard the cows.
The good works will then continue. Because his Excellency doesn’t believe in doing the same thing and expecting a different result, he will change his cabinet from the old and recycled leaders to fresh and young minds. He will provide the herdsmen with staffs. And beg the military to forgive them, because they know not what they’re doing.
AFTER TWO YEARS: the purchasing power of the Naira, like it has been since his first day in office, will keep increasing.
His Excellency will complete the hospital and educational projects he has started since the past four years. The National Hospital will now be able to treat headaches.
Boko Haram will finally be crushed. 80% of the herdsmen will be using staffs.
The ungrateful Nigerians will begin to migrate back.
Full of clues and ideas, His Excellency will keep delivering. A Naira will finally be equal to a US dollar. Nigeria will continue to experience fuel surplus, pump price will go from 45 Naira/liter- which he made possible during his last tenure, to 20 Naira/liter. Another airport will be built in Ekiti. The monthly 5000 Naira paid to extremely poor Nigerians will be increased to 10 thousand Naira.
AFTER THREE YEARS: the plan has finally taken an amazing shape. The change. Complete freedom from corruption.
All the recovered monies and loots will be read out, and Nigerians will be satisfied they have so much money to save. Workers will complain bitterly about how the government doesn’t wait for them to finish spending one salary before paying another one. Do they think they are that needy?
Nigeria now has the strongest economy in the northern hemisphere. A drastic increase in life expectancy will be experienced, because every provision for social amenities has finally been perfected. After 7 years.
Nigeria will start begging other countries to come get employment, since we will now have more than enough. Nigerian universities will become educational hubs. Russians and Americans will start going the length to get Nigerian visa and scholarships.
We’re capable, we don’t just have some of the youngest and strongest populace, we also have the natural resources.
AFTER FOUR YEARS: his Excellency will be honoring the invitations of other developed nations to help fight corruption.
Fellow African nations will cry out to Nigeria to teach them how a national reformation can be started in four years, and then completed in another four.
Nigerians will start weeping, they will miss a great revolutionary leader, who has single-handedly lifted Nigeria out of perdition.
Ex president, Pastor Olusegun Obasanjo will write a letter of apology.
His Excellency, President Buhari will be crowned African of the Decade.
Prophet Soogun Omoniyi I.
PHL, BCHL, WB, PHGP, PCKR, CCKN.