By: Obafemi Shedrach
A man is nothing if not a cloak of conscience and consciousness. At least, that’s what makes him different from the beast of the field. It means he has a clear mind and can make conscious decisions. Well, until he gets inundated by the white substance. Then, he loses consciousness and conscience and becomes no different from the crawling beasts.
But I digress; today, I will teach you, in seven steps, how to roll a “joint”. Don’t ask how I learned how to do that. In fact, I don’t know exactly, but I am sure of how to self-destruct, and I will teach you.
Step 1: Gather your supplies
To get on the journey towards societal oblivion, you need your materials ready and available. You’ll need some rolling papers, a filter tip, and the most important ingredient: your preferred substance. Now, I don’t know where to get them, but I can point you to people you can get them from. I see them rolling in the gutters (I mean, “roll a joint to roll in a gutter” doesn’t exactly sound bad); some are chained to beds in the hospital; in fact, I saw one roaming the streets fully unconscious, yet mobile. Haq! Before I forget, you will need a matchbox or a lighter just to lighten the spark of your downward spiral.
Step 2: Prepare for the ritual
Now, you need to find your way from the judging eyes of the society. You know they can be a bit nosey. They want to tell you the dangers of drug abuse, such as psychosis, depression, addiction, poor performance, and, in extreme cases, death. I mean, a recent study shows that 70 per cent of young people with substance use mentioned in their health data also had a record relating to mental illness, but really, that doesn’t concern you. You and I know they will not mind their business, so choose a place where your poor life choices will go unnoticed, like your parent’s basement or a dimly lit alley, or maybe in the company of friends-in-crime. How else will they know you are a “responsible adult” if you are not indulging in activities that could lead to health issues, legal problems, and social alienation?
Step 3: Make the filter
I had an experience a while back in my place of work. By the way, did I tell you I work in a hospital? Yes, I do. So, I see people brought in daily due to drug overdose and substance abuse. The experience I had was a patient who had downed seven cans of bullet, being rushed in. I mean, he was literally almost lifeless. Further questioning revealed that it was a bet amongst friends, and the prize was (just guess) … a whooping sum of ₦5,000. Yes, “Tinubu naira,” not “Biden dollars.” 5k dollars? I might just try it myself. Okay, I wouldn’t. ₦5000, and he was ready to risk his liver, kidneys, and heart; a perfect exchange, in my opinion.
I mean, you are in Nigeria, you can easily get a transplant, and with your minimum wage, you can afford the medical bills. Easy-peasy. Again, I digress! Step 3, yeah? Make the filter.
You need to make the filter tip and roll it carefully into a tight cylinder. It serves as a gateway to coughs, chronic bronchitis, and the inevitable lung damage. Okay, there could be some moments of “Why did I ever start this?” But then, if you back down now, what will happen to your steeze?
Steeze >>>>>>> Organ damage.
Step 4: Add the magic
This step is quite easy: spread the substance evenly on the rolling paper. Someone said it must be even to get the false layer of hope and disillusionment. Haq! Big grammar. I meant a false layer of high. Well, according to the law of gravity, anything that goes up must surely come down. When you attain that high, you are sure to come down with mental disorders and organ damage, amongst others. But who cares, you’re here for a good time, not a long time.
Step 5: Roll with precision
Now, in life, precision is key. What is worth doing at all, they say, is worth doing well. Ensure the paper is well packed. Then, carefully lick the strip and seal it with saliva. Now that I think about it, isn’t it interesting that you could seal your journey to destruction with just saliva?
Step 6: Light it up
The most important step is here: Light it up! This is the peak of it. Light it up and take a puff. I know you plan to stop just after the first puff. Inhale deeply, letting the smoke fill your lungs and your mind with delusions of grandeur. Now, that feels good. Maybe one more puff, and you ditch it. However, have you actually come this far for just two puffs? Nah! Let it not be heard. Take one more puff. And then one more. And one more! Okay, why not just finish this and then stop afterwards? The sense of misguided pride you get is second to none; even though your ambition, productivity, and clear-headedness may dissipate into the air along with the smoke from the joint, nobody cares.
Step 7: Enjoy the consequences
Like everything, the moment of euphoria is ephemeral. Anxiety is creeping in. Your mind is getting foggy. Your mind is clear. No, not clear mind. I mean, your mind is completely void. You see clearly. Clearly enough to see your friends hailing you. Sadly, not clearly enough to see that your body is getting damaged. Or that your parents are in agony watching you puff your future away. Enjoy the false sense of creativity and profound thoughts you won’t remember tomorrow.
Now, the key to sealing your destiny lies in repeating this process until you sufficiently numb yourself to the world around you. With each puff, you bid goodbye to opportunities, relationships, and overall health.
See that! If you have followed these steps religiously, you are definitely a stone’s throw from destruction. I’d say safe journey, but you and I know there is nothing safe about this journey. So, enjoy the ride!
NB: Substance abuse is a menace that negatively impacts every area of your life. If you have not engaged in this dangerous activity, steer clear of it. Invest your time in things that can help and improve your life. And don’t mingle with friends that do. If you are into it, the best time to stop and seek help was yesterday. The next best time is today. Seek help! It is not over for you.
Obafemi Shedrach is a pharmacist and can be reached on Twitter @CherdyB. “When I’m not in the business of saving lives, I am in the business of saving my life.”
