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How to recover from a bad break-up as a straight man

How to recover from a bad break-up as a straight man

By: Ayodimeji Ameenat

Break-ups can be harsh, painful and can make life suck a whole lot. Yet, people don’t talk about how hard it is for heterosexual men to deal with heartbreaks. Here is the talk: Heterosexual men, you  don’t have to wallow in misery. Recovery is a shining sun; all you have to do is pull the curtains.

It might be hard because, a point after your heart break, you might be tempted to do crazy things. So stay away from sharp objects because you might be tempted to carve her names in objects and in fruits. But don’t do that, because eating a fruit her name is carved in will remind you of how good it felt to eat her and you don’t want to remember.

Instead, make a beautiful tool of your hands and fingers to milk yourself. This will give you the satisfaction of knowing that just like they made all your efforts go down the drain, some of the resources to make the beautiful babies you once planned are also going the same path.

Every night after you are done milking, read a fiction book that ends in a break-up, they help more than music. After finishing a chapter, replace your pillow with the book because your soft pillow will remind you of her body and what it feels like resting your head on her thighs and chest, but you don’t want to remember. So don’t use pillows.

Only take cold water baths, because warm water will remind you of the warmth of her body and how imperfect warm water showers are without her in it, you would be reminded of how it was like to have her in your embrace. So stick with cold water, something to match the temperature of your heart and to ensure your body temperature doesn’t get too high.

Get a rebound. The saying goes: When a phone is damaged, sell the spare parts and buy yourself a Lemonade drink. Give yourself to someone who needs a broken person, so you can make sweet Lemonade together.

Finally, if everything doesn’t work, call her back. If you love her so much push for it, fight for it. Rejection is the final recipe for recovery and you, my friend, are Ramsey Noah.

Ayodimeji Ameenat is a law student who loves reading satires.

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