Today, Salami called you a pretender. Right to your bloody face. He says you’re living a fake life. Now that you think of it, you see it too, don’t you?
You don’t smoke. You don’t talk dirty. You no dey follow yansh. You no dey tear ticket – no, reason am. Na life be this? You see it too, you know it. You are a pretender.
As your selfless instructor who values your inner personality and is deeply invested in seeing you thrive in the ways of the world, here are a few tips that should help you discover your true self and quit living that fake life. Amen?!
First, my boy, smoke loud. Yeah, you’ll cough at the first few trials but we’ve all been there, it’ll pass. Remember, you have to show Salami. If that boy smokes three, you should take it to fifteen. That way, you show the nigga who’s the real GOAT. The furnace in you is greater than the one that lives in him. You don’t like the smell? Shut up! Pretend as if you do. Pretend as if it’s the smoke of smoked fish for instance. Perfect! You’ll get used to it. It’s all part of the process.
Oh, the main goal of this whole thing is not to pretend? Whaaaaaaat? Who would have guessed? But you see, pretending to like loud is different from pretending not to like loud. One pretence is real and the other pretence is just … nerdy. You will not be a nerd by the special grace of God!
Second, follow the girrrllsss! Especially those with big … you get. You get, eh? Omokomo! Hehe.
You don’t like to? Come off it! Stop pretending! This is a safe space, yunno. You’re a fine boy, you have money, so you’re a follower of women by default. And that’s that about that.
On a second thought, big alone does not cut it. Follow tall, follow short, follow dark and follow light. Sha make sure they all follow the duality of aesthetics. Awon oni word and opposite. Ìbà!
Moving on, partyyyyyy!!!!!!! Now, it really doesn’t matter that you hate the sound of speakers, or the smell of cheap perfume and party goer’s sweat. I, and the rest of the world, do not care that you think the Ameno hour is just a waste of money.
I mean, who doesn’t like to get lost in the bottles once in a while? Who on God’s own earth doesn’t like a little time out at the club now and again — I mean, lálaálẹ Sátidé? Come off it man! I repeat, this is a safe space, you need to keep it real. If that requires a bit of pretending, so be it.
The drinks too, very important. Yeah, it tastes bitter. What do you think they put in Gulder and Stout bottles? Strawberry? You think Star was made in Apple flavor? Of course it is bitter! That’s the stuff men are made of. Bottoms up now, you’ll get used to it.
If Salami conks out after ten bottles, make sure you stand straight after fifteen. Who’s his daddy now?
Also, don’t worry about the vomit on your clothes later on. Behavioral hazard. Happens from time to time. I mean, that’s a very little sacrifice for keeping it real, don’t you think?
Now, to the most important rule. As you paint the town red, everybody must hear! You, my dear, have arrived and their daddies need to hear it!
I mean, what’s the use of loud that you smoke in the corner of your room? Always step out in style, with a roll behind your ears and smoke coming out of your eyes. Don’t also forget to upload the video from the recent smoke party Abdul forced you to attend. Boya you should block the parents before that sha, you know how Alhaja can get. In fact, block all the family members, make no busy body go pour sand for your garri.
Now update your status and your feed.
Don’t forget the Hashtags.
#nonpretenders #wherewewere #hatersgonnahate #keepingitreal #badboyz
PS. Don’t forget to drop a hint about that girl that was playing hard-to-get in your class soon. Don’t say it with your full mouth though, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.